October holidays

Hayter’s article for Oct 16, 2022

“October: a month of celebration”

          Halloween is going to be scarier than usual this year. When I drive around the neighborhood, I notice more than just stop signs, pets, and dry lawns. I notice the scary stuff displayed in front of the houses.

 Since early September my neighbors have been preparing for trick or treat. I can see getting a two-month jump on Christmas. But Halloween? My neighbor, has had a gigantic spider web running from the eve of his house to a tree at the far end of his sidewalk. Fascinating.

Near the corner of our block are the bones of a horse, pulling a hearse with a skeleton in the driver’s seat. It’s been there since Halloween 2020. To the neighbor’s credit, he commemorates other special days with minor tweaks on the same contraption. On Christmas, he may place a Santa hat on the skeleton and a red bulb at the end of the bony horse’s nose. It’s genius!

Then there are carved pumpkins in yards and on porches, ghosts in trees, and a cat in our flowerbed. These are the early signs of Halloween… all except for the stupid cat.

This adds up to me needing to purchase more candy. I don’t skimp on Halloween candy. I get what I like in case there are leftovers. To make sure there are leftovers, I turn off the porch light when the bucket runs low. 

Last year we did have a lot of Trick or Treaters, yet I heard only one “Trick or treat!” Kids today are apparently not comfortable threatening strangers to give ‘em candy. Instead of a shout from the porch, we generally hear a quiet rap on the door. Occasionally, a parent might raise a small ghost or minion up and let the child ring the doorbell. I’m eager to see what I’ll find at the door this year. 

But, forget Halloween… if you dare. You may not realize it, but Monday week (Oct 24) is Diwali. I too was surprised to hear of the Hindu holiday celebrated at the appearance of the first new moon that appears after mid-October. 

The five-day celebration celebrates the god Rama defeating the demon king Ravana. I choose to go no further with that brief synopsis. I’ve found that it’s impossible to defend one’s spiritual faith by using human logic as an arguing point. It’s the stuff of wars. 

Diwali celebrates a victory of good over evil, light over darkness, help over harm… There are five hallowed days during the festival, and something special happens on each one. The fifth is where siblings honor one another. Brothers have to be nice to sisters and vice versa. Another day is for honoring parents.

My two favorite celebrations are the Row of Lights, which is a nighttime event involving lanterns, candles, fireworks, and electric lights shining all over the place. This happens during a new moon because that’s when the night sky is at its darkest. 

Tied with the Row of Lights for the best day is the Day of the Feast. I like the sound of that. You take away the curry and I’m sure there is some Hindu food I would like. (By the way, there are at least two other religions that recognize Diwali. They’re not crazy about one another, but they accept the holiday.) 

          I don’t want to start a revolution or anything, but, I see the Diwali event as far superior to Halloween. More food and a longer amount of time to celebrate. Schools might be closed for an entire week. So with Diwali and the Christmas Holidays, teachers might survive longer. 

          Speaking of holidays, I completely overlooked last Monday’s holiday. I couldn’t even tell you whether or not schools were closed for Indigenous Peoples’ Day. Nor did I realize that was the name chosen to replace Columbus Day. I am pleasantly surprised that a majority in Congress agreed to change the name. Congress made the decision in October 2020. Had they waited until after November’s Presidential election, Columbus would still own the day. Neither side would come close to agreeing on anything. 

          I do hope the descendants of the true founders of this land reach a consensus on a name not derived from Europeans. I researched the word “Indigenous and found that it came from the English who toyed with the Latin word for “Native”.  I fear we’re at a point in civilization where it’s near impossible to be politically correct when referring to one another.

Other than their horrible treatment by Anglos, I don’t know if the different nations of indigenous people have recognized enough commonality with one another to agree on a name. -- And if what I just wrote was an insult to anyone, I did not intend it to be. 

That being said, do any of you remember what started all of this? Halloween! Now, I don’t think I care to even celebrate it this year. – I take that back. I am reminded of something that happened on Halloween almost 40 years ago. This small boy was dressed up in a great Darth Vader costume. Cuter than cute. I asked the lad, “And who are you?” I could hear some heavy breathing from behind the mask. Thinking his mask would muffle his voice the kiddo yelled, “I’m Dawth Vadah!” 

The moment was a prize that revisits me every Halloween season. As does the movie “Meet me in St. Louis”. I have watched the Halloween part of that movie more times than is mentally safe. So, this coming Halloween, I will be praying for another Darth Vader-like experience. – That was the cutest kid I ever saw… yet I never got a look at his face.  

end

hayter.mark@gmail.com

 

What's in a nose

Hayter’s article for Oct 9, 2022

“What’s in a nose?”

        I’m going to kick off today’s article with an experiment that will require your participation. Ready? Okay, I need you to close your right nostril and take a deep breath. – No, Fred, it shouldn’t hurt. Work with me, okay?

        Those of you who were able to plug your right nostril, I need you now to do the same thing with your left and then inhale. Did you notice any difference? – Well you were supposed to. You see, during your entire life, your nostrils have been acting weird. During each breath, one nostril takes in more air than the other. The part of your schnoz that takes in more air pushes it faster to your lungs than your other nostril. After a couple of hours, they swap.

        Once in your nose, air goes through some serious testing. You don’t want just anything sneaking in. If gasoline is detected, you may need to exit the area. If it’s chocolate, you may need another cookie. Regardless, before the air hits your lungs, it has been tested for smells, filtered by nose hairs, and moistened by mucus. You can’t have a bunch of dry air hitting your lungs.

         What’s the point of all this? Your nose is the point! You may recognize that some noses are more pointy than others. Some are larger. Much larger. A few are small. And very few are just right. Why is that? Well, nose scientists think they know.

        The path of small nostrils began in the north, where the air is cold and dry. Each time you breathe in a cold, dry climate your nose has to doctor the air with more mucus, so it doesn’t chafe your lungs. That will take some time. A smaller nose will allow less cold air in. Fortunately, a small nose doesn’t happen overnight. It takes centuries to shrink a nose. Millenniums, even.

You may have noticed that some noses are poorly shaped. You know, like British royalty. That can be caused by a bad nose job or the fact that one of your ancestors married someone in their extended family.  

Some people acquired their large nostrils from ancestors who lived in areas that were warm and wet. That’s the place where noses take in a lot of air, moisture, and smells. I must’ve come from a group that lived along the equator. My nose DNA came from my Dad. The other six siblings got Mom’s nose. I loved my dad, but I wish I could’ve picked my nose. 

You ask me, the largest contributor to my nostril size is my CPAP machine. Every night, I have to insert a flexible bulb into each nostril. The thing has to completely seal every square inch around the lip of the nostril. (That didn’t sound right.) If there is the slightest air leak, you’re in deep doo. Someone in Quebec monitors my CPAP machine and comes down on me hard if I leak. Begs the question, if a guy in Canada can detect nostril leakage, what else is he checking on? 

What upsets me about all of this is the fact that I have been breathing off and on for seven decades, yet no one ever explained my nose to me. They did take time to mention the size, but nothing about how it works. No one even hinted about the right and left nostril taking turns inhaling the most air. -- By the way, if you wait around a couple of hours or more, the weak nostril will become the more powerful of the two. Something is going on every breathing moment of your life.

        I used to think that one or the other nostril was always clogged up. What else was I to think? If the nose hadn’t popped up on my computer this morning, I would’ve gone to my grave without understanding what all happens after I inhale. Which reminds me. I mentioned that some noses look just right. God does that. He just blesses some more than others. Your beautiful nose is not due to surgery. I’ve never seen a nose job that looked good. Well, Michael Jackson’s doctors did okay by him. 

        I know that surgeons have done wonders with people whose faces have non-nostril issues. They couldn’t do that during the time of Moses, but they’ve gotten good over the years. It’s a gift from God that allows surgeons to do what all they do. And, yes, I know that every doctor worked his or her rear off getting to where they are today. I’m just saying that I don’t blame God for not giving me the talent or desire to be a surgeon. Considering what He did with my nose, no one would come to me for a facelift or nose job. The first thought in their mind would be, “Doctor heal thyself.”

        By the way, right now I need each of you to do the nostril test again. Me first. – No change. I might have to call you closer to bedtime before my nostrils swap jobs. 

Had I been the one to create humans, I would’ve never thought about giving so much work to the nose. But, if I did, I would’ve let more people know about it. I could’ve died before I knew. Then where would I be? – No, Fred. I wasn’t being literal. By the way, you can remove your thumb from your right nostril.

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hayter.mark@gmail.com