A spectacle on ice

MARK’S ARTICLE – January 5, 2009
“Ice follies”

Big Al and I shot a “From the Rooftop” episode last week at The Woodlands Ice Rink. In a week or two you oughtta be able to see it on My Metropolis Television Network. (www.mymtvnetwork.com)

My MTV Network is the only place that airs all of the Montgomery County happenings that you care to see. And, some you’d just as soon not. -- Hey, I think I just came up with their slogan. It’ll probably get me summoned to the Producer’s office. Mr. Tyler Forner. The man’s a bear.

In fact, he’s the one who ordered us onto the ice. Al and I figured we’d just go the rink and interview people. Little kids, medium-sized kids and wanna-be kids all skating along like they had good sense. Great episode.


But, noooo. The big guy wants Big Al and me in skates. Tight-fitting, ankle twisting, balance hampering footwear. Mr. Forner wants to see us out on the ice having fun. He wants me dead is what he wants. A shot of me dying on ice would be great for the ratings. That’s the way the man thinks.

Big Al? Not worried at all… at first. Then he put on the skates. Grace was nowhere under the tent. Al managed to hold half an interview before he fell on his rear and had to be helped up. Took about three of us. Al was worried for about three minutes. Then he was all over the place. He’s an athlete. I’m so tired of hearing that.

Me? I was worried from the get go. I had been ice-skating once many years ago and came home with my pants soaked. Some of the water came from the constant landing on the ice.

Fortunately, people at the ice rink couldn’t have been nicer. We had a great interview with Jim, the manager, and with Victor, The Spectrum manager who set up the whole operation.

Victor yelled at Al when he tried to turn off all 100,000 lights around the complex by unscrewing a single bulb. Al is such a goober. After that, I thought the ice rink manager would be mean to us, but Jim was a peach. He even agreed to provide us with an instructor. I think I kissed the guy.

Yeah, but get this; Jim’s complementary instructor turned out to be a five-year old girl named Addison. The kid explained how we were supposed to move our feet and how to stop and how not to fall. Then she carried her tiny walker onto the ice and scooted along. I would’ve been really ticked off at Jim, had li’l Addie not been so cute. A doll she was.

Long story less long, Al and I skidded and tripped and double faulted all over the ice. I never fell, ‘cause I married the railing. Al fell once. Took him about two minutes to eventually hit the ice. People were applauding.

Yes, the skating part was shaky as all get out, but it happened inside a giant tent full of fun. There are some people in this county, people of all ages, who really have some graceful moves. And, those with less graceful moves have twice the fortitude I do. Hey, had I been Columbus, the Santa Maria would’ve turned back at Gibraltar.

Yes, we did a lot of laughing and clowning at the rink, which, incidentally will be open through January 18. Take grandma and the kids with you. Watch grandma pretty close.

The important thing is, I didn’t get hurt. Humiliated big time, but not hurt. And, Kay missed it. That’s another good thing.

Unfortunately, she’ll see it when it comes out on My Metropolis Television Network. Maybe in a week or two. The network is in its infancy. When it’s in full swing, you’re gonna see some serious stuff. And, some not so. Al and I are the not so.

Of course, if Forner, the big boss man, doesn’t tone himself down, I’m gonna get super serious on one of his fists. The man’s a bear I tell you!

END