Mentalless

MARK’S ARTICLE – February 18, 2010
“Body Language”

There’s a directory going around that lists the names and e-mail addresses of people who write for newspapers and such. There’s bound to be, ‘cause I keep getting a bunch of press releases concerning everything from a Minneapolis museum opening to the invention of a spit-driven pepper mill. Why else would I get stuff like that?

There is going to be a D-Cinema Festival in Kawaguchi, Japan this July. Thought I’d share that with you. I know what “cinema” and “festival” mean. I assume the person who forwarded this to me thought I knew what the “D” meant. We all know what can happen when you assume.

Due to a proposed video project, I’ve started eating out with Montgomery County’s restaurant reviewer Brad Meyer. You might’ve noticed. Since then, I’ve been getting press releases from all over the place about culinary happenings. Did you know there’s a Culinary World Summit in Halifax coming up? Someone thought I should be aware of it. Someone who doesn’t have the foggiest of what an unsophisticated goober I am.

That said, if Brad can get someone to pay my way, I’ll be there. Don’t care if he goes or not. I’ll take notes and let him write the thing up.

Fortunately, not everything I’ve received has been useless info. The whole intro has just been a buildup for the book I just bought on Amazon. Seems I got a press release from Gregory Hartley’s agent. I had never heard of him either. The release mentioned a book he had written with the help of a Maryann Karinch (no idea.) titled “The Body Language Handbook: How to read everyone’s hidden thoughts and intentions.”

The e-mail encouraged me to call Greg and interview him about his book. While in the U.S. army, the guy apparently taught a course in interrogation and resistance to interrogation. I e-mailed back that I’d like to have Greg appear on a Rooftop episode with Big Al and me. His agent responded that Greg lives in Atlanta. I took that to mean that I’d hafta fly his buns out here and put him up somewhere. If I don’t have money to get myself to Halifax, I’m sure not gonna fly Greg over for a visit. Read this body language.

But, I will read his book. Haven’t gotten very far, yet. Just got it yesterday. I bought the thing ‘cause I’ve been getting more and more confused by what people tell me. I think I need to be able to read them to see what they really mean. Like “The Mentalist.” That guy is great. Kay especially likes him. He could put on a show about how to paint doorknobs and Kay would watch.

The Mentalist knows when you’re lying or scared or worried, but don’t want anyone to know. He reads body language and voice inflec-- uh, tone, I guess.

I’d like to be able to do stuff like that. Not to show-off or anything, though I’m sure I would. But, I’d genuinely like to know what people really mean when they’re talking to me. After an audition I’ll hear, “Fantastic! You blew us away! I’ll call you tonight.” That usually means, “You stink on ice. I think you actually hurt my retinas.” You can never trust people in the acting business. I’d like to be able to read ‘em right off, so I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

If this book works, I’ll be able to take everything at body value and not word value. The body says a bunch… according to Greg. You ladies may not realize that when a guy folds his hands in front of him, in a fig leaf sort of way, that means he’s under stress. Men know that, ‘cause we’re smart like everything. I do the fig leaf pose every time one of the brothers enters a room with a rolled up newspaper. Believe I’ve mentioned that.
When a lady folds her arms across her chest while talking to you, she may be annoyed and want to put distance between the both of you. I usually just use a book or pillow or chair. Just kind of shove it out there. But, folded arms will do in a pinch.

By the way, my attitude is one of a defeatist. I know that ‘cause I stand in a constant slump with my shoulders drooped. Greg and Maryann say I do that ‘cause I’m defeated. I think it’s just ‘cause I’ve got lousy posture… possibly brought on by defeatism.

Oh well, I didn’t buy the book to find out about me. I know me. No, I got it so I could read other people. Like the Mentalist does. Of course, I’m pretty sure that Kay doesn’t care one way or the other if I can read people. She’d just like me to look like the Mentalist. She hasn’t said it, but even without a book, I can pick up on things like that. It’s a gift.

END