Healthy as all get out

MARK’S ARTICLE -- March 20, 2010 “See what I can do?”

Don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve really cut down on fried foods. I’m pretty sure you can see the difference. What if I turn this way? See? What’d I tell you?

Yep, since watching a health documentary, I’ve really changed my eating habits. I now not only use a fork, but I also swallow my food before taking another bite. That’s hard for an ex-teacher to do. For 26 years I had 20 minutes to eat lunch. That’ll turn you into a beast.

But, back to the fried foods. I haven’t eaten a real Cheeto in weeks. I’ve switched to baked Cheetos. They’re pretty bad, but they leave your fingers orange, so your mind can be tricked into believing you ate a real Cheeto. Who am I kidding? I’m not the brightest bulb in the chandelier, but I can sure tell when I’ve eaten a make-believe Cheeto.

I keep dodging the fried foods, though. Last time I went to Luby’s I didn’t even order the fried chicken. Luby’s has the best fried chicken breast in town. Possibly in the world… if you don’t include Rupbuxik, Uzbekistan.

So, instead of Luby’s fried chicken, I got the chopped Angus steak. I wasn’t that pleased. Tasteless. Couldn’t tell it from an Argentine Criolo. What the world really needs is an Angus chicken. That’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout.

I don’t think I did right by getting the chopped steak, ‘cause you’re only supposed to eat beef once a week. That’s what the TV show said. In fact, three days a week, you’re supposed to go meatless. No beef, chicken, fish or lizard. Like that’s happenin’.

But, I am cutting down on fried foods and beef. Oh, and salt. Salt is killing us. If you eat a fried, salted steak, you might as well stick a fork in your spleen. Same difference. I can’t believe our tickers are still ticking. I forget what salt does to you, but it’s not good. Something to do with blood.

Right before I watched the fried food, beef and salt show I bought a couple of jars of dry roasted peanuts. They were salty as all get out. But, on sale. So, I poured ‘em in a strainer and ran water over ‘em for awhile. Then put ‘em in the oven. Not bad.

I have gotten to where I can eat unsalted peanuts without much trouble. I even bought some unsalted cashews the other day. It was a bridge too far. Never do it again.

I did try to desalt my sunflower seeds. Don’t know if you’re aware, but it’s impossible. The salt marries the husk. Till digested do they part. They don’t dry out easily, either. You end up with salty, soggy seeds… which, incidentally, is the name of a popular singing group. Probably.

By the way, not only have I changed what I eat, but I’ve also started an exercise regimen. Started it with Kay. She bought us an exercise tape. We’ve got a bunch.

The exercise guy in this tape is the same person who got Oprah to lose all the weight... one of those times she lost weight. He’s a neat guy. He first tells you about salt and meat and fried stuff (just like the documentary we saw) and then he watches as we exercise. Tells us what we’re supposed to be doing.

I like him a lot, ‘cause he only makes us exercise for about 15 minutes. I can do almost anything for 15 minutes. Except watch a “reality” show. Oh, and brush my teeth. Fifteen minutes would drive me nuts. I can’t hold my breath, or stir Jell-O, or read a telephone bill, or… well turns out there are a lot of things I can’t do for 15 minutes.

But, I can exercise with the Oprah trainer. I can’t do it the way I’m supposed to, but I give it all I’ve got. Some of what I’ve got. A little bit.

You can sure see the results, too. Look at this. I’m gonna sit down on the floor in the yoga position, with my feet folded up in the middle there. And, I’m gonna reach back and, uh… Well, that really hurts. I could do it a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been neglecting my regiment a little bit. It’s not that it takes long, it’s just that I hate anticipating having to do it. Anticipation is a bear.

Come back in a week or two, and I’ll show you what I can do when my feet are folded inward like this. Right now, if one of you could just give me a—That’s better. Oh, that hurt. Thanks.

So, give up the fried chicken, cut down on your beef and salt intake, exercise occasionally, and… uh, well forget about the exercise for awhile. Sorry I even brought it up. Don’t think I ever had anything knot up like that. That’s really-- Kay!

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