Al and Mark get major backstbbed

MARK’S ARTICLE –April 4, 2010
“Quiet on the set!”

“Quiet on the set!” That’s what you hear when somebody is making a movie. Hear it a lot. “Quiet on the set!”

When you hear “Quiet!” you’re supposed to shut-up or quit walking or stop clicking your ballpoint. Planes should exit the sky, cars brake, lawn mowing cease and squirrels sober up… like that’ll ever happen.

Director Chuck Walker sets the scene featuring Lorenzo Lamas and Tammy Barr

I would really hate to be a soundman on a movie set. The director will holler “Action!” Two seconds later the soundguy says, “Airplane.” Matt is our sound guy. A calmer person would be hard to find. Yet, yesterday he blew his stack. He kept hearing noise that would make Chuck have to holler “Cut!” Eventually, people started yelling at Matt for stopping the filming, so he quietly said, “Hey, I just record the sound. I don’t make it.” That’s about as frustrated as he gets. We all told him to calm down.

Beg pardon? Oh, right. I forgot to mention that we’re on a movie set in northwest Montgomery County. It’s being filmed at David and Pam Carter’s Chantilly Country. (I love David and Pam. So, book your wedding and family event now!) Absolutely scenic. Perfect place for this movie.

Chuck Walker and Sam Cable are the big honchos shooting the flick. What I like about this movie is that it’s a non-Western and I’m not playing a crazy guy. I’ve been so typecast.

Naveen Ramineni wrote the script. He’s supposed to be a surgeon in the Woodlands. I have trouble believing that ‘cause he looks too young. He’s a super nice guy, though.

In fact, everybody is nice on this set. Nicest crew and group of actors I’ve ever been around. The only mean person is Big Al, and he’s nice to everybody else. With me, it’s “Hey, Mark, you can slow down with the peanuts. They’re not going anywhere.” and “Just once you need to say the line the way it was written.”

Al sits amidst the greatest film crew in Western Civilization.

Fortunately, Al’s already been killed. This is a stabber, stalker kind of movie called “Backstabber.” I think I could do the soundtrack for it, but Chuck won’t let me. -- “He only comes out at night. He’s a backstabber!” -- I’ve already got a good start.

Like I was saying, Al got stabbed big time yesterday. He was crawling on the ground and everything. Zach killed him, because Lorenzo Lamas hadn’t arrived yet. Zach Cadwallader is the big brother of Michael one of the helper guys. Gaffer, grip, grabber. I don’t know what the crew people are called. I’m just throwing names around so fewer people will be mad at me for not mentioning them. Did I mention that Big Al was mean?

Lorenzo is on set today, so he will actually be killing me. I don’t wanna give anything away by saying that Lamas is the bad guy. Maybe I’m the bad guy and need killing. I play a really nice guy who everybody hates. I’m acting my buns off, ‘cause I am so likeable in real life. What? So much mumbling on a movie set.

Let’s see who else you might know. Tammy Barr was mentioned in Brad Meyer’s article about the movie. She’s in “Young and Restless” and she’s done a lot of other stuff. She’s a doll. She calls my character some bad names in the movie, but I don’t think she means ‘em.

You wanna know a nice guy? Leesa’s dad, Jack Zimmermann, has been on the set helping out. If I wanted a Raspberry soda about now, Jack would look for one. Nicer than nice. Oh, and Leesa is the girl who almost gets eaten by the alligator. Tammy saves Leesa from drowning and then Sean Busse kills the fake alligator. So much stuff going on.

Oh, yeah, Gary Parker with Quanah Parker Productions is the cinematog-something-or-other. In a normal world, I’d call him the cameraman. Gary’s cool. Al and I work with him on MyMTVnetwork.com. Jonathan Massey is another cinematog guy. I like him 'cause he’s so encouraging. He says stuff like “Mark, you weren’t all that bad. Besides, we’ll probably cut the scene editing.”

Who else can I keep happy? Let’s see, there’s Bea and Yankie, the two people really running the show. Annie puts on my makeup, and Bonnie will make me look stabbed. Grant Fratt (Gator), another technical guy, had the best non-recorded line so far. He said, “I’ve never seen a crew that had so many people with Alzheimer’s.” He said that after stuff kept getting lost. – “Hey, I didn’t have it Gator. I gave it to Tyler.” Tyler is the guy you’re always supposed to blame. It’s just an understanding we have.

And, then there’s Jared (Good actor. One of those pale vampire types.), Bardia (First Bardia I ever met. A funny guy.), Sarah (She acts like a whiner, but she’s a peach.), Erin (She had to wear high-heels out in the woods. Always had trouble keeping up.), David (Next to me, probably the loudest actor out here. Really sells a scene), Ben (plays a real quiet guy who really is.), Errol (He’s the cook and the first person killed. Just doesn’t make sense.)

Did I mention Lorie and Ginette? (Good workers and huggers. I like hugs.) I’m leaving out a bunch of names. Brad Meyer told me never to worry about leaving people out. Too many names make the piece less interesting. Brad said that ‘cause he’s meaner than Big Al. (Brad is the Montgomery County food critic. Remember? And, one day I’m gonna be reviewing with the big meany! I’ll try to turn him nice. *See the comment about sober squirrels.)

“Quiet on the set!” Oh, shoot, I think I get stabbed after this scene. I’d better go get—“Quiet!” Oh, yeah. Uh, next time.

END