Go out and snap some weird pictures

MARK’S ARTICLE – July 26, 2010 “Waiting for photos”

You know what killed the Abominable Snowman, Sasquatch, Yeti, Big Foot, Lee J. Cobb? Do you? No, they’re all one and the same… except for Cobb. I just threw his name in to see if you were paying attention. Hate to lose people this early in the piece.

Well, what killed Big Foot is the same thing that killed the Loch Ness monster and most UFOs. Ready for this? Ta da! It’s the cell phone. Pretty obvious wasn’t it? Well then, apparently my mind just thinks differently. Not better, necessarily… but, different…ly. (I’m using way too many of those “…” aren’t I? “Ellipsis” I think they’re called. I’m sure I’m using ‘em wrong, too, but they just seem to show up occasionally… along with Bigfoot, ghosts, extraterrestrials…)

Back to “death by cell phone.” I thought about cell phones while seeing about five minutes of the latest program on Roswell and Area 51. The Roswell incident happened back in ’47. Area 51 has been around since… who knows? I don’t.

Area 51

It could’ve been out there during the time of Moses. They’ve probably got Elijah’s fiery chariot in a hanger right next to the Roswell spaceship. (For those who consider that blasphemy, I don’t really think they have the chariot. That was just silly talk.)
I only mentioned Roswell and Area 51 because I’m tired of hearing about ‘em. It’s sad to think that that’s the best we can do. We’ve got some conversations with people who say they saw stuff? Is that it? Oh, I know there are blurry photos of UFOs and scary stuff, but come on, man, how come every witness to a “happening” turns out to be a lousy photographer with a cheap camera?
The only decent photo of Bigfoot was the one taken of the guy in the woods walking straight up, wearing the gorilla suit. He’s looking right at the camera like he’s saying, “Is this about where you want me, Herbie?

No, if there are any real Sasquatches out there, we’ll have some real pictures pretty quick. Maybe next week. And, that’s because of cell phones. Those things take great pictures. We had a family get-together awhile back, and Jill was snapping pictures right and left with her phone. They came out better than mine did, and I was taking photos with one of those disposable camera things. You can’t get any better than that… I thought.

Today, nobody goes anywhere without a cell phone. Well, that’s a lie, but since it adds more credence to what I’m saying, I thought I’d use it. People do that on talk radio all the time. It’s become an accepted practice. Accepted by everyone in the Free World. -- See how easy it is to do?

So, whether they’re in the woods, at the beach, on a dark and stormy night -- insert ellipsis -- everyone has the ability to take a picture or a video of anything weird. So far, we haven’t gotten any good stuff. Oh, there’s Grandpa’s pants falling down, a dog attacking a vacuum cleaner, a kid blowing spaghetti out his nose, a lady falling out of a canoe, ellipsis.

But, we see no in-focus UFOs, Yetis or sea monsters. Notice I didn’t include ghosts in there. That’s cause ghosts are among the few apparitions that show up mostly in pictures. You don’t know they’re there until you look at the photo. Hey, I’ve seen one. If Al can find the picture, I’ll see if the boss won’t put it in. If you don’t see it’s ‘cause Al couldn’t find it or the CIA wouldn’t let The Villager print it.

If you think I’m trying to debunk Bigfeet or Loch Nesses or UFOs, you’re sadly mistaken. Well, not sadly. That doesn’t even make sense to me. Point is, I’ve seen a UFO. At least I saw something in the air that I couldn’t identify and it was weird as all get out. Haven’t seen me on TV talking about it, have you? The Government won’t let me. Again, that’s a lie, but it’s really working here.

Unfortunately, during my sighting, I didn’t have a camera with me. If I had, the photo would’ve come out all blurry and weird, ‘cause I’m a lousy photographer. Or, maybe I had a camera and the aliens confiscated it and left a shard of something in my earlobe to make me forget. I’m liking the sound of that.

I’ve mentioned before that I’d really like to be the President, so I could find out what the government really knows about UFOs and aliens and what all. I’d make somebody show me all that we’ve got. Of course, I saw a preview of one of the new TV series where they showed a clip of the President telling some underling to give him some info. The guy said, “I’m sorry, Mr. President. That’s on a need-to-know basis.”

Boy, if I were President and somebody told me I didn’t need to know something, I’d have the nearest Secret Service guy make him talk in a squeak for the rest of his life. “Need to know basis” my foot! For a President “need to know” should be the same as “want to know.” If the President is kept in the dark, he could push a button to send missiles to France, when it was really the escaped extraterrestrials from Area 51 who attacked Silver City. (No offense meant to the French. I just drew France right out of the air. Could’ve easily been Paraguay… No offense to the Paraguayans.)

Oh, well, the only thing left to do is just sit back and wait. If there is anything out there, we’ll probably get a picture of it in a week or two. If we don’t, that means there’s nothing out there. What I’m thinking. There are too few places for oddities to hide anymore. And there is absolutely nothing that can dodge a camera. They’re everywhere. Of course, that’s not true, but it’s true enough to serve as evidence.

Area 51 and Roswell? They were yesterday. I want to see some new stuff. So, let’s all go out there and take some cell phone pictures. Starting with Jill. Post ‘em on You Tube. Don’t give ‘em to the government. We know what they’ll do with ‘em. Stick ‘em right there in Area 51, right next to ET’s bicycle. They didn’t let that poor creature go. You’re aware of that aren’t you?

END