Evidence you're dreaming

MARK’S ARTICLE – August 8, 2010
“How to know when you’re dreaming”

Kay and I saw a movie a couple of weeks ago about dreams. Did you see that? “Inception” was the name. If a title is supposed to in any way tell you what a movie is about, I’d have to call the movie “Cool Special Effects.” Apart from that, I’ve got nothing.

I WAS able to determine that the story had to do with people getting inside other peoples’ dreams, all the way into the dreams that you’re dreaming your dreaming… and beyond. You might hafta read that a couple of times. I’ll wait. (“When you hear the trumpet sound – Tarantara Tarantara…”)

Okay. When I left the theatre after watching “Inception,” I had a red spot on my forehead where I had been slapping myself. For about a nanosecond I caught on to something that happened in a scene. It was short-lived brilliancy, followed by a deep, thick fog. I decided it a good time to go to the restroom. -- What I think? Any drink that takes two hands to pull out of the cup holder is too big.

Had I been cast in “Inception,” I could’ve never memorized my lines. -- “Ariadne, you can’t debilitize an anomaly without leaving metaphysical conjectures.” – “Cut! Mark, this time say it like you mean it! Once more. Action!”

All in all, I thought the movie interesting, but I can’t recommend it to anyone in the family. They haven’t forgiven me for recommending “Close Encounters.” In truth, just about everyone I know considers my opinion fairly weightless. Of course, this article might incite a couple of the undecided, first time readers to go see the thing. If you do, go ahead and get the large popcorn and drink. It’ll come to about $12, where as the small will cost you about $11.85. Somebody explain that to me.

No question that “Inception” has gotten people to thinking about dreams. On news broadcasts, talk shows, Kroger checkouts… there have been a lot of discussions. In fact, the movie inspired me to write this article. You see, DiCaprio’s character had a gimmick that would let him know if he was dreaming or not. I never followed the logic behind it, but I accepted the daylights out of it, ‘cause the guy who wrote this thing was way up there in smarts.

Weird thing is, I’m so dumb that I have no trouble differentiating between the World of Awake and the World of Dream. No gimmick for me, I just try to apply a rather shallow form of reasoning And, I’ll show you how you too can dispense with those needless worries that scare the soup out of you while you’re sleeping. You’re welcome. – No, no just buy me some cashews next time you see me in Walgreens. The honey roasted kind.

First of all, forget the buildings rising up and folding over on one another, like they did in the movie. That’s a dead giveaway of a dream… or of happy hour.

However, if I am ever out in public, wearing just my underwear, it gets a little more complicated. The secret is, if no one notices or cares that I’m in my underwear, I’m dreaming. Likewise, if I’m ever in a public shower and some women carrying towels nonchalantly walk in, I’m dreaming.

If I’m ever in a football uniform, it’s a dream If I’m ever in a gym and I suddenly leap above everyone on the basketball court and dunk the ball behind my back, unfortunately, I’m dreaming. I love that dream.

If I’m walking down the mall or through some massive building complex and I find that I can glide across the floor like I’m wearing skates, it’s a dream. If I find myself floating around at treetop level, staring down at people who don’t seem to care that I’m floating, there’s a good chance I’m asleep. About 80 percent.

If I’m in the kitchen and my dad comes walking through the backdoor and announces that Weingarten’s has a sale on coconuts, I’m dreaming. The “dead” giveaway is when I notice that I’m the only one who doesn’t realize that Dad has been dead for 30 years. -- “Jill, do you remember Dad’s funeral?” – “What are you talking about, Willis?”

Just about anytime I try to run from something – a maniac, crazed monkey, mercenary or Triceratops -- and my feet will only go in a slow skip, I need not worry. I’m dreaming.

Anytime my mouth just makes wah wah noises while I’m trying to deliver a talk, I’m a citizen of the dream world.

If someone I knew from high school suddenly appears in my living room, looking just like he did back in high school, while acting like there’s nothing bizarre about his appearance, I’m dreaming. If the guy suddenly turns into my mother, I’m hitting par on the dream course.

In fact, anytime I’m anywhere, doing anything and I have to ask myself if I’m dreaming… I’m dreaming. Seems every second I’ve lived in the world of the awake, I’ve never had to question whether or not I was dreaming. You might say I’ve been blessed.

Unfortunately, I’ve found it matters not. In my dreams, regardless of how many times I tell myself it’s not real, I still find myself embarrassed about being in my underwear, I’m still scared silly by charging Triceratops, or I’m weirded-out by the fact that I can levitate myself and no one else thinks it odd.

Dreams? Like “Inception,” they’re a complete mystery to me. But, in the hope that I’ve helped at least one of you, I consider this one of my more worthwhile articles. – What? No argument. As usual, I see a some big red spots on a few foreheads. What’s that all about?

END