September 9, 2010

"Ask me something else"

I’d like to you to stand up if you’re able… oh, and if you’re in a place that allows you to stand. What? No, by all means, Malcolm, stay seated. Okay, forget it, everybody stay seated. I didn’t think that out well at all.

Tell you what, try this. Just sit back and go to the best thinking part of your brain. Mine’s in a thin area between the parietal and occipital lobes. Let’s not all go there. Barely enough room for me.

Okay, now close your eyes. Wait! Wsheeew, that was close. Only shut one of your eyes. I’d like you to close both of ‘em, but then you wouldn’t be able to read what you’re supposed to do next. You’d be walking around the rest of the week upset at me for making you blind. So, just shut one eye, please. Those of you with only one functional eye just sit there. Hey, I’d start this article over in a second, but I’ve already invested too much time.

All right, so, you’re all seated with one or none eyes closed, and you’re in a pretty smart part of your brain. Okay, I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to pretend that you’re on stage and a few thousand people are waiting for your answer. Oh, and you’re on TV with a few million people watching... just not all on the same TV. About eight of you are wondering what that meant. You picked the wrong brain place.

You’ve got two minutes to answer the question. Are you ready? Here goes: "What is one big mistake you’ve made in your life, and what did you do to make it right." The clock is ticking. People are waiting. Don’t make a fool of yourself, but answer the question. Did I mention the clock is ticking?

Okay, that’s the end of the exercise. No, I don’t want to hear your answers. I just wanted to try to simulate the situation Miss Philippines found herself in at the Miss Universe Pageant a few weeks back. From what I’ve read she was the favorite going into the question/answer part of the pageant. Her answer supposedly gave the title to Miss Mexico. Miss Mexico got an easy sappy question.

I didn’t watch the pageant, but I read about it. Miss Philippines came off looking a bit smug, according to one article and a short news segment I saw. She said that she had made no major mistakes in her life that she regretted. Then she mentioned the love and confidence she receives from her family. I understand that somewhere in the distance a lone bugle could be heard playing Taps. Like I say, I didn’t watch it.

I think the question a very cruel thing to ask. I mean, one of the other contestants was asked what she thinks about airport scanners that can see through your clothes. Was it a good thing to do? Hey, I can dance all over and around that question. – But "What one big mistake have you made?" Uh, can I think awhile and get back to you? Maybe mail in my answer?

When I asked you the question, what did you immediately think of? Wait! No, again, don’t tell me. But, I will tell you what I thought of. I thought of one or two big mistakes I made in my life. Stuff I’d just like to keep between me and the few who know. And, as soon as those two big mistakes came into my head, I couldn’t think of anything else. Not while I’m pretending to be on stage with a bunch of people watching and waiting for me to say something sweet and noble.

In my simulation, I eventually told the pageant judge that I had made a bunch of mistakes, none of which I cared to share with him and all the other Nosy Nellies out there. Of course, I had nothing to lose, seeing as how I had scored so poorly in bathing suit portion of the contest. Tore ‘em up, though, in the talent part with my impersonation of Janis Joplin.

By the way, William Baldwin (One of Alec’s kid brothers) was the judge who asked the question. I like William Baldwin. Can I call him Bill? Bill is a good guy, he just has no business judging a Miss Universe contest. Who the Sam Hill picked him? I can hear the committee now, -- Catherine Deneuve? -- Nah. -- Halle Berry? -- Nah. --How ‘bout William Baldwin? -- That’s it! Get his agent on the phone!

It’s similar to me judging a contest for the best design of a lady’s shoe, or me refereeing a soccer game, or keeping score in a bowling tournament. Hey, I can go on and on here if I need to. Bottom line, William Baldwin? No pageant judge. -- By the way, William, (I know you’re reading this) there’s a chance someone just handed you the question, in which case I apologize. You only did what you had to do.)

While I feel badly for Miss Philippines, I’m pretty sure I’ll get over it. -- Wait a second. I’m over it. – Regardless, I think she got a pretty raw deal. The only hope I see for her is the possibility of her entering another contest. There are several. Along with the Miss Universe, she could try out for Miss World, Miss International and Miss Earth. I would think that Miss Universe would be the best, but Miss Earth is nothing to sneeze at. If you were a woman, wouldn’t be great to be able to say, "Hey, I’m the prettiest, the most talented and the best answerer of a nosy question on Earth."

That’d be cool. It’d even be cool for some guy to be able to date such a person. "Hey, I dated Miss Earth. She’s thinking of running for Miss Galaxy and then on to Universe."

Any guy who lives in the US has a pretty good chance of dating a pageant winner. We’ve got pageants for Miss Distinguished Young Woman, Miss Outstanding Teen, Miss Teen USA, Miss USA, Miss United States, Miss US of A, Miss United States Teen, Miss America, Mrs. America… and a bunch more.

In fact, I may have married a pageant winner and don’t know it. I’ll have to ask Kay when she gets home. I’d really like to know what question she got. – "What is the worst thing about you, and why haven’t you corrected it? – Williaaaaaam! I would’ve thrown my shoe at the guy. Thrown something.

END

To see the video of Brad and Mark’s Pie in the Sky restaurant review, click on photo.