October 24, 2010 Hayter Hints

“A tip on pens and pencils”

I’ve had some Glad Wrap in the freezer now for a couple of hours. Kathy, a helpful hint friend of ours, said that you should keep your Saran Wrap in the freezer. I use Glad Wrap, but I’m pretty sure it’s the same thing. A see-through wrap that marries everything but what you’re trying to wrap?

Sticking it in the freezer is supposed to make it come off the roll so much better. It won’t fight you or anything. Kathy read that somewhere. Near the end of this I’ll go check.

I hope it works ‘cause Saran Wrap is the number three cause of profanity by people who don’t usually curse. Not sure you knew that. Some university did a study. Bucknell. If you don’t believe it, go wet a dishcloth, throw it in a pie pan and then try to wrap it. I’ll give you a few minutes. – Let’s go on. They’re not coming back.

Kathy thought up the freezer idea after it was mentioned that I was going to write a helpful hint article, along the lines of Heloise. Heloise and I are old friends. Well that’s a lie. Yes, we’ve exchanged e-mails twice and talked on the phone once. Other than that, she couldn’t pick me out of a lineup. I could pick her out. Unless she colored her hair.

I’ve written a couple of Heloisesque articles before. I started them off with some super obvious hints that fans have shared with her. Stuff like check your shopping cart to make sure you didn’t leave anything in it. It’s genius. I usually close my eyes and guess how many bags I’ve got.

Anyway, I was going to mention a few obvious hints, and then give some of my own. But, Kathy had to share a legitimate hint with me. Well, a little later we’ll see how legitimate. Right now I need to give you a few of my hints. Stuff Heloise probably wouldn’t care to share. Again, we’re not really that close.

I’ll start with my second most valuable hint. Do you ever get upset because you can’t find a pen or pencil while talking on the phone, or making a grocery list? Are you thinking of purchasing a few dozen of something that writes? Well don’t.

Here’s what do. Take a large coffee mug and set it on a cabinet somewhere. Put in one pen and one pencil, and then walk away. Don’t pay any attention to it for, oh, about a month. Then go over there and check it out. That mug is going to be full of pens and pencils. They’ll be wedged so tight you’ll need to wear eye protection to grab one.

I don’t know how that works, but one pen and one pencil attract stuff like you wouldn’t believe. You’ll have paperclips at the bottom and pennies and screws that don’t go to anything. You’ll have so much stuff that you’ll have to seed another mug in another part of the house. This year, I’ve grown three mugs full of pens and whatsits.

The only drawback is that any time you need a pen every one that you grab is terrible. And, every pencil has a broken lead. The house nymphs that put ‘em there really like to mess with you. Speaking of which, while you can grow pens and pencils, you cannot grow reading glasses. I’ve bought about 30 pair in the last two years. I can now find only two. If I put those two in a giant coffee mug, then leave the room and return an hour later, they’ll both be gone. It’s spooky.

Another almost as valuable hint has to do with putting a wastebasket in the corner of the dining room… or wherever you eat. Kay and I have started eating in the dining room. We used to eat in the living room while watching the news. Now we sit at the table and talk while eating. Quality time it’s called. Quality time without a remote control? It’s a paradox. Para-something.

In order to better appreciate the “quality” time, I placed a wastebasket directly behind Kay. This way I can wad up my napkins and s hoot ‘em at basket from where I’m seated. I go through a lot of napkins during a meal.

If I sink a shot, I make the basket sign like the ref does in a game. Two fingers pointing down from a raised hand. I’ve made mealtime – funtime.

Since I’ve been doing this, I’ve found that my food has been digesting so much better. A study at Bucknell revealed that tossing stuff at the garbage will add 26 minutes to the average adult’s life. It will, unfortunately, sap 6 hours from a spouse’s life span. I don’t think they know what they’re talking about. Bucknell Bisons, my buns.

My best hint involves something you shouldn’t do. So, just stop it. It involves hiding stuff from company. It’s necessary to do that, but you need to give it less thought. If I’ve got family coming over for the weekend, I find a place to hide the good stuff. You know, can of cashews, peanut M&Ms, Cheetos... My valuables.

I think up a bizarre place where no one would think to look. I come from a tricky family. I think there’s a double agent or two in there. Problem is, two days after everyone has left, I can’t find my stash. Don’t remember the bizarre place. It was too bizarre. Let me tell you that there are some serious snacks hidden in some funky places around this house. And, one day, they’re gonna show.

Oops, I see it’s time for me to reveal the frozen Glad Wrap findings. This is for you, Kathy. Wait here and I’ll be right back. Seriously, I’ll return. Hum something. No not that. – All right, are you seated. Frozen Glad Wrap rolls out great. But, like body temperature Glad Wrap, it doesn’t like to tear off.

By the time, I got my frozen sheet torn, it had thawed and fought me like a bad dog. I almost became a potty mouth. Almost. I think it will actually work, but only if you climb into the freezer with the roll and shut the door. We’ll save that for another time.

Right now, I’m going on a treasure hunt. And, if successful, I’m coming back with cashew breath. It oughtta be a cologne.

END