And, here we have a weener dog!

“Pet Parade”

Do you have any idea who emceed the 2011 Montgomery County Fair Pet Parade? No, I didn’t ask if you cared. I asked if you… Oh, just forget it.

I was the emcee. Okay? Are you happy? All it takes is just two rude people to really pooh pooh my parade.

I take that back. It wasn’t my parade. It was instigated by Lisa Hightower. Lisa, is one of those people who work their buns off doing volunteer work, and then stand in the background whenever there’s any praise to go around. Just makes me sick.

Lisa is a wise and wonderful lady, except when it comes to selection emcees for Pet Parades. Before asking me to emcee, she didn’t even check to see if I was a responsible pet owner. Had she, she would’ve found out that while I’m responsible as all get out, I’m not a pet owner. Never have been.

Oh, there were the two gold fish that someone in the family claimed. Seems like it was Larry. I say that, because the fishes were named Larry and Harry. I never got real close to ‘em… emotionally. I took the news of their demise pretty well. “Hey, Mom, where’s Harry and Larry?” – “They died. I flushed ‘em.” -- “Ah, well, uh, can I have a Fig Newton?”

There were also some dyed Easter chicks we got on Valentines. I mean Easter. Mine was dyed yellow. Can you believe that? Why bother? There was a blue, pink, and green one, too. I think Big Al got the pink one. Anyway the chicks didn’t stick around very long. When they got big enough to cluck, they left us. We came home from school and Dad said the chickens flew the coop. It’s weird how all the bad stuff happened while we were at school.

Other than that, I’ve not been responsible for a single animal… other than bugs. Yet, Lisa still asked me to help out with the pet parade. And, I’m so glad she did. It was a blast.

The pet escorts had to be eight years-old and younger. Their pets were placed into three categories. There were large dogs, small dogs and miscellaneous. The last category sounded way scary to me.

Oh, and you need to know that this was not a professional pet show. My involvement should’ve told you that.

There were two judges, though. James Hemphill owner of Tractor Supply Co. in Conroe, and local Veterinarian Dr. Michael Brown. They were judging pets based on looks and manners. If the animal didn’t spit on or bite the emcee, that was a plus. The children were also judged on… uh, cuteness. I just made that up. That’s how I would’ve judged ‘em. I don’t know what James and Michael were looking at. If a kid was afraid of his pet that would likely work against him.

Turns out the only thing that scared any of the pet owners was the emcee. When Li’l John took one look at me he must’ve thought I was Santa Claus, ‘cause he started bawling. Li’l John is 18! That’s a joke.

Oddly enough, none of the pets acted the least bit leery of me. In fact, one or two might’ve liked me. The hermit crab even smiled. I think. It did something weird that looked like a crab smile.

Bottom line, I have never been around that many well-adjusted animals. That may be because there were no cats. I blame the absence of cats on the prominence of dogs. Hey, I’ve seen the cartoons.

The most well adjusted animal was one of the five gold fish. (I think that’s a rock group.) Four of the fish seemed bored, but one of ‘em was a real cut up. Doing the shark impersonation and playing dead. Hard for the audience to see all that, but up close it was cool.

Oh, and dogs. There were plenty. One of my favorites was Lady Bug. Lady Bug is a Teacup Yorkie. Had she been an Oil Drum Yorkie, she would’ve been much larger. She was just a little thing. Looked like Toto. I think that’s why Mackenzie, Lady Bug’s owner, dressed like Dorothy. By the way Lady Bug got first place in the Small Dog Category. Now, it’s on to Kansas.

Sprite, a black and white Border Collie won the Best Large Dog award. Smart dog. Would’ve tied your shoe had you asked. And, get this, Sprite is a rescued pet. Brooke is the dog’s proud owner. Brooke is a doll.

Back to the miscellaneous entries. I feared there might be a snake or a spitting llama or maybe a big lizard. None of that. There was a spider dog. I had never seen one before. Looked a little like a toy poodle with four extra legs strapped to it. I couldn’t be sure, ‘cause I kept my distance. The Spider Dog’s owner was dressed like Li’l Miss Muffet. Get it? The dog was the spider that sat down beside her. Imaginative as can be.

I did get to hold that crab I mentioned before. Princess was its name. I didn’t want to hold Princess, but Lesa West, Hightower’s friend and assistant, made me. Lisa with an “e”. She was invaluable when it came time to announce the winners. She had to sort through a load of entry forms, while Helper-out Girl Madison handed over the ribbons and trophies. Do you know what color a tenth place ribbon is? Taupe… I think. So many ribbons.

Chester won first place in the miscellaneous category. The longest legged and skinniest rooster I’ve ever seen. Chester wore a leash and walked out on stage leading owner Colton. Roosters don’t follow. The only other time I saw anything like that was in a Seinfeld episode. Chester wasn’t really all that personable, but Colton was a prize. He’s one bright kid.

Can’t say that for the emcee. I didn’t know breeds of dogs and in some cases specie of animal. When there’s just fur it’s sometimes hard to tell.

Obviously, those of you who missed this year’s event will want to show up next year about this time. In fact, you youngsters need to start grooming your pet for the big event. No spitting or biting animals, though. Or, cats. – Hey, that’s a joke! Dogs, fish and cats. Oughtta be interesting.

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Princess, the hermit crab

END

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