Again with the stones.

Me on inverting table trying to dislodge kidney stone.

“Return of the kidney stones”

   
    You’re going to have to give me a second here. I’m a bit out of breath from jumping up and down. Kay made me do it after I got the call from Diane.

    I couldn’t pick Diane out of a two-person line-up, but the girl had some important information to convey. Seems Diane is an agent of the hospital. The financial part of the hospital. She told me that unless I pass my kidney stone by the day after tomorrow, I’m going to be out $2116.88. That’s after insurance has paid its share.

Now that I think of it, I pay before the insurance pays. The hospital will not mess me until I kick in my share. Insurance companies they trust. Me? Not so much.

    Like I said, shortly after the call, Kay had me jumping up and down in the living room. Kay has a list of stuff she wants to buy. No where on the list will you find the words “Lithotrypsy for Mark.”

    Lithrotrypsy is the procedure whereby kidney stones are crushed with sound waves. I’ve had it done several times, and I still don’t understand how it works. I assume it has to do with a Tiny Tim recording piped into your kidney. What else could it possibly be?

    Kidney stones have cost me a fortune over the years. The last bout was about three years ago. I had two large stones, one in each kidney. After the doc crushed ‘em, he told me to lay off tea, drink a lot of lemonade and take an anti-kidney stone pill multiple times a day. Not the cheap one. The expensive one. He didn’t say that, but that’s what happened. 

    Yeah, I followed his directions and three years later I’ve got a stone in each kidney that’s likely too big to pass. Since I’ve been in pain for a week now, the doc said the one in my right kidney is not likely to pass.

    He showed me a picture of both stones. One of ‘em is still in the kidney, but the one giving me the trouble is stuck somewhere between kidney and bladder. – Hey, I don’t enjoy telling you this any more than you appreciate hearing about it. It’s just that when I have kidney stones I have trouble thinking about anything else. I’d write about ducks or cheese spread, but I’m just not in the mood.

    To show you how serious this is, Brad Meyer called to check up on me. Brad! Meyer! The guy who drags me with him to review eating places. If you knew how little Brad cares about me, you’d weep. Yet, he called. He actually called to get some information from me about an article, but he first asked how I was feeling.

    Last week, Brad and I were about to give a talk to a group, and right before we were introduced, I walked out of the room. Kidney stones give me the perpetual feeling that I have to pee. If I weren’t feeling so bad, I wouldn’t have just used the word “pee” in the article. My sense of propriety would’ve kicked in. Right now I have no sense of propriety, couth, direction, or smell. Maybe I can smell. I just don’t care.

    When I made it back to the auditorium, Brad gave me the ol’ stink eye and told me that I about scared the daylights out of him. The big goober could’ve handle the room by himself, but he needed me for a prop. I’m the target of some really keen insults. I don’t know if I’m that stupid, or he’s just an insult wizard. Probably some of both.

    The good news is, in a couple of days this will all be over. The stone will either have passed or been crushed by Tiny Tim’s rendition of “Tiptoe through the Tulips”.  If Kay gets her way, the stones will be jostled out of me. If not, we’ll be paying for the doc’s kid’s fall semester at Princeton. The last time I paid for the anesthesiologist to take his wife to Bermuda.

Kidney stones are the most expensive mineral in the world. I don’t know what they’re made of, but it’s not tea, milk, cheese or soda pops. I’ve given up all of those for a period of time with no favorable results.

They may be made of some kind of expensive anti-kidney stone pill. These last two stones grew quicker than any others did. I’m thinking this crop was pill-aided. That’s as good a theory as any.

end

To view Mark and Brad's review of "The Counter" click on photo below.