Bed that inclines, reclines and declines

You spend a third or more of your life in one of these things.

    Kay and I are saving for one of three things on our wish list. We’ve yet to agree on which of the three we’re saving for, because Kay has her priorities all messed up.

I refuse to let the squabble end our marriage, but I’ve got to say, a less patient husband would’ve walked long ago.

The list? Kay and I have wanted to go on a trip to the Northwest for the longest. Oregon, Washington and then a cruise to Alaska. The trip will cost about two million dollars. I did the math.

    New flooring in the living room and study is a definite priority… to Kay. She wants to yank up the carpet and put down some kind of wood-flooring so all our floors will match. The House of Matching Floors sounds more like a bad horror movie than a feasible way to spend money we don’t have.

    Kay is torn between these two costly endeavors. Me? I want what’s behind door number three. -- A new bed! -- And, there is singing in the streets.

    Some of you are thinking that the cost of a bed doesn’t match with the cost of a trip or flooring. That’s ‘cause you’re thinking about a bad bed. I’m thinking about a tempurpedic, bed that will incline, decline and recline. In other words, I want a giant hospital bed without the visitors, the tubes and the blood pressure thing that wakes you up every 10 minutes.

    What I’m looking for will cost well over $5000. The mattress ads won’t tell you that, but the guy in the mattress shop has to. Of course, it’s the last thing he tells you. He’s got you lying on the proverbial lap of luxury, in a reclined position just perfect for watching TV or reading. Now, he can hit you with the price.

Kablooey! Kay wasn’t with me during the sale’s pitch or she would’ve likely kneed the salesman. “Don’t you ever throw a price like that at me again! Ever!”
Before I ran home and told Kay the price, I told her some of what the salesman said. We spend a third of our lives in bed. Isn’t that something? And, then I added, “If we got a bed that we could read and watch TV in, we could spend two thirds of your life in bed.  

We could get the king size dual recliner. “If you want your feet lower, lower ‘em! If you want your back higher, raise that mamba! I can touch my feet to my toes and you can lay flat for all I care!”  -- Then I hit her with the price. Fortunately, I blocked her knee.

I think we’ve purchased two mattresses during our 40-year marriage. Two pillows, too. I used to have a Tempurpedic pillow that cost me $100, but I left it in a cheap motel in Atoka, Oklahoma. I would’ve called and asked them to mail it back, but I felt too sorry for the maid. The minute she put her head on that thing, she couldn’t give it up.

They’ve got fake Tempurpedic that’s a lot cheaper than the real. Is it just as good as the real stuff? The salesman swears it is… right after you tell him you can’t afford the real Tempurpedic.

The thing is, there are people who can’t stand their Tempurpedic mattresses. That’d be terrible. They took their child’s college fund to buy the bed, and end up not liking the thing, because it’s too hard and doesn’t bounce. They should’ve gone on a trip to the Northwest with their kid’s college fund. 

You wanna know something scary as all get out? Of course you do. Someone in the Asian community has invented an air-conditioned bed. What I’m sayin’?

I want the last bed I ever buy to be air-conditioned and reclining. Since I will be spending much of my later life in bed, it needs to be the best there is.

All I have to do is get Kay to bite on this notion. One of my best arguments has been that if we spend our money on a trip, we’ll end up back home sleeping on an old, non-reclining, unair-conditioned bed forever.

And, the flooring? Since we’ve been living in this house, we’ve yet to have a single soul ask if our living room floor matched all the other floors. Yet, almost daily, someone asks me, “Hey, Mark, how’d you sleep last night?” I get that a lot. Maybe 3, 12 times a day. More if it helps.

You know what’s gonna happen don’t you? If I keep pressing this thing, Kay will take a cruise to Alaska right after registering me in a room with a twin bed that reclines with a railing on it that secures the remote control and some of the tubes that will be sticking in several of my orifices.

Oh, yeah. And, the blood pressure machine that goes off every ten minutes.

end


You can reach Mark at mark@rooftopwriter.com