Patinence, in time the grass is milk.

“A Summer Sit”

    ROOFTOP – Even though there’s a full moon out tonight, I don’t care to see any of you go crazy on me. What say we just sit up here, look at the night sky and sweat?

Boy, it’s hot. Breezeless, too. The bats have to make a running start. The crickets are obviously out in force. Maybe a frog or two. Neeker Breekers is what JRR Tolkien might call ‘em. Speaking of which, did you read where the movie “The Hobbit” is going to be a trilogy? Peter Jackson said there was too much stuff to try to squeeze it all into one movie.

    I don’t take his word for it, but I do take Kay’s. She’s read the book. Multiple times. All the Tolkien books. It can be aggravating to be in a conversation with a person who read the book from which a movie is being made.

I haven’t read many books that have been made into movies. One of Lee Child’s books is soon to be on the big screen. I’m not sure which one, but I do know that Tom Cruise is miscast as the lead. I’ve mentioned the Cruise miscasting to you and to Kay. She acted almost concerned.

Child’s “Jack Reecher” character is a hulk! Six five and built like an Abrams Tank. Tom Cruise is 5’7” and is more like a Honda Fit. It’s like someone went out of the way to really aggravate me.

Speaking of which, have you noticed how calm I’ve been of late? Well, then just pretend. I’ve been working on my patience. Felt a need.

Up until the time I was talking about the Lee Child movie, I was doing pretty well. Take today. This morning I had an 8:45 appointment with my kidney stone doctor. A followup.

The visit usually takes about 10 minutes … the part that happens after the nurse hands me a labeled cup. The doctor’s visit takes only five.

After being called out of the big waiting room, I was ushered into a doctor room where I sat for an hour a half. I could hear the doctor walking into the other rooms and greeting people. Doctor walls are as thin as examining-table paper. The stuff that sticks to you moments after the doctor says, “Okay, you can hop down now.” Hop down and take four yards of paper with you.

As the minutes ticked, I kept reminding myself about how patient I was. I did open the door a couple of times, just so someone could see I was still there. I wasn’t being pushy.

Each time I opened the door, a nurse walked by, told me it’d just be a few minutes and then closed the door. I think they were afraid that, with the door open, I might take off my clothes and sit on the examining table. Some people do that. I imagine.  

After awhile, I started thinking about how there is a fine line between patience and stupidity. Maybe I was being “Punked” by the doctor. There was a camera in there and he was studying my behavior.

At the 90 minute mark, I decided to go to the nurse’s desk and lie about having an appointment. The doctor could e-mail me at the end of his busy day and let me know how healthy I was.

The nurse wasn’t keen on that. She asked what room I had just stepped out of. When I told her, she said, “There must be some mistake. Room Two isn’t even on the list.” Two nurses closed the door on me without realizing I wasn’t on The List.

Did you catch that? Who on earth got credit for my specimen? – “Mrs. Clover, it appears your three-year-old daughter has the urine of a 62-year-old lethargic male with a history of kidney stones. I thought you might want to know.”

Bottom line: if I had been more patient, I would still be in that room. Likely with my bare rear stuck to the examining table. Yeah, at some point I would’ve undressed.

So, losing my patience turned out to be the smart thing to do. There’s a moral to this somewhere. Maybe even a movie.

Tom Selleck could play me. And Tom Cruise could be my urologist. He’d make a cameo appearance. The doc got me a gallon jug and told me to collect my pee for a day. I didn’t know whether to take him serious or not. – “You know, that writer guy that sits on the roof? He’s so gullible he brought me a gallon of his urine!”

Patience? Gullibility? Hard to know what to do sometimes. Right now, the best thing for us to do is to climb off this roof. I’m sweating like Batman in a Guatemalan tour bus. --  Don’t push, people! But, yes, the host goes first. 

By the by: August 9 from 4 p.m. to 9 p.m. and August 10, 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., the city of Montgomery is hosting its Experience Montgomery Showcase -- Denims to Diamonds. Big Al is the emcee of the Entertainment segments. Google for details. And hug my kid brother. He likes that.
end

You can reach Mark at mark@rooftopwriter.com