"Look! In the sky! Second thought, wait and rent it.
This week, I’m going to review the new Superman movie, “Man of Steel.” No, you can’t stop me. While HCN has some exceptional reviewers, they all come across as professionals who really know what they’re talking about. I’ve yet to be accused of that.
The best thing about the latest Superman flick is Russell Crowe, who played Superman’s dad, Jor-El. Had the movie been called “Superman’s Dad” I might’ve liked it better.
Crowe got to ride a really large, flying, four-winged, horned toad creature. The thing died saving his life. Saved his life about four times. The noblest of toads.
When the poor creature finally croaked, Crowe didn’t say thank you or kiss my cool-looking armor. No, he grabbed a stolen black skull and raced off to de-materialize it so he could— Well, I’m not real sure what that was all about. Had something to do with DNA and his son, Superman.
By the way, Jor-El didn’t call his infant son Superman, ‘cause that would’ve been confusing. Superman’s real name was Kal-El, which is Kryptonian for “Wally.” I researched the daylights out of this thing.
As you should know, Jor-El wanted to get baby Kal-El out of Krypton because of the impending implosion problem, ‘caused by excessive underground mining. I had no idea that was the problem. I doubt Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster were even aware.
Besides the impending imploding problem, Krypton had some disgruntled citizenry. Not uncommon during most impending imploding planetary problems. I like saying that… but I’ll stop.
From the previews, you probably realize that Superman (Wally) was not the only one to escape Krypton. Nor was he the only one to make it to Earth. General Zod, played by Michael Shannon, an absolutely fabulous actor, and a few other really mean Kryptonians also managed to escape. How they did that was not made clear enough for me. Some things you’ve just got to spell out. I’m a decent thinker until I start forcing popcorn down my gullet.
Okay, enough of the beginning of the movie. Did I mention it was the best part? So, Wally ends up on Earth with Kevin Costner and a makeup-less Diane Lane, as his new Dad and Mom. When Superman, Henry Cavill, gets grown up, he looks major buffed. During his appearance in his Superman suit, Kay zoned out, making it possible for me to finish off the rest of the popcorn alone. I’d be jealous, but surely Kay has no chance with Cavill. Surely.
Eventually, Zod and the other bad Kryptonians, make it to earth. Each one of’em possess the same power as Superman, the result of which is a 40 minute knockdown drag-out with no-one suffering as much as a dislocated pinky. They do manage to carry the battle into the stratosphere and maybe even the moon. pretty I slept through some of it. After awhile you’d think they’d realize that each of ‘em can really take a punch, so what’s the use?
There have been two action movies that put me to sleep. One was the last King Kong. I can watch just so many minutes of a Tyrannosaurus chasing Jack Black through the jungle before I nod off. Same thing with Superman and the bad guys destroying buildings. We’re talking massive collateral damage throughout Metropolis.
During the big fight scenes there are thousands of extras in the background standing around gawking like they’d never seen super humans throwing buildings and vehicles at one another. After awhile, I quit rooting for Superman, and started rooting for the buildings. “Please, don’t destroy another one. Pleeeease.
I don’t want to give away too much, but Superman wins. He used a wormhole or blackhole in one instance and an old wrestler’s move in another. I didn’t understand the black or worm “hole” occurrence, but the wrestler’s move made perfect sense.
Regardless, the entire world now knows that Superman and any other pre-implosion Kryptonian-migrants can be killed by either Kryptonite or a particular wrestler’s hold. – I wouldn’t have shared that info, but I do believe you really need to know ahead of time how Superman kills General Zod. I want you to be prepared so you won’t shout out, “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Hey, anything to keep you from embarrassing yourself like I did.
There were several other holes in “Man of Steel,” but being an unprofessional reviewer, I spent too much space on the best part of the movie. Now, I have no space left to mention anything about other holes in the movie or about Lois Lane, Perry White, or the hardly present Jimmy Olson. So, please see the movie and e-mail me so we can commiserate.
As for now, that pretty much ends my short career as movie critic. That being said, I next plan to see “World War Z.” Kay hates movies about zombies and war, but she’ll go see WWZ with me because of two words -- Brad Pitt. That girl could be trouble. I’ll hafta get back to you on that.
end
You can contact Mark at mark@rooftopwriter.com
Superman flying over what is left of Metropolis
This week, I’m going to review the new Superman movie, “Man of Steel.” No, you can’t stop me. While HCN has some exceptional reviewers, they all come across as professionals who really know what they’re talking about. I’ve yet to be accused of that.
The best thing about the latest Superman flick is Russell Crowe, who played Superman’s dad, Jor-El. Had the movie been called “Superman’s Dad” I might’ve liked it better.
Crowe got to ride a really large, flying, four-winged, horned toad creature. The thing died saving his life. Saved his life about four times. The noblest of toads.
When the poor creature finally croaked, Crowe didn’t say thank you or kiss my cool-looking armor. No, he grabbed a stolen black skull and raced off to de-materialize it so he could— Well, I’m not real sure what that was all about. Had something to do with DNA and his son, Superman.
By the way, Jor-El didn’t call his infant son Superman, ‘cause that would’ve been confusing. Superman’s real name was Kal-El, which is Kryptonian for “Wally.” I researched the daylights out of this thing.
As you should know, Jor-El wanted to get baby Kal-El out of Krypton because of the impending implosion problem, ‘caused by excessive underground mining. I had no idea that was the problem. I doubt Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster were even aware.
Besides the impending imploding problem, Krypton had some disgruntled citizenry. Not uncommon during most impending imploding planetary problems. I like saying that… but I’ll stop.
From the previews, you probably realize that Superman (Wally) was not the only one to escape Krypton. Nor was he the only one to make it to Earth. General Zod, played by Michael Shannon, an absolutely fabulous actor, and a few other really mean Kryptonians also managed to escape. How they did that was not made clear enough for me. Some things you’ve just got to spell out. I’m a decent thinker until I start forcing popcorn down my gullet.
Okay, enough of the beginning of the movie. Did I mention it was the best part? So, Wally ends up on Earth with Kevin Costner and a makeup-less Diane Lane, as his new Dad and Mom. When Superman, Henry Cavill, gets grown up, he looks major buffed. During his appearance in his Superman suit, Kay zoned out, making it possible for me to finish off the rest of the popcorn alone. I’d be jealous, but surely Kay has no chance with Cavill. Surely.
Eventually, Zod and the other bad Kryptonians, make it to earth. Each one of’em possess the same power as Superman, the result of which is a 40 minute knockdown drag-out with no-one suffering as much as a dislocated pinky. They do manage to carry the battle into the stratosphere and maybe even the moon. pretty I slept through some of it. After awhile you’d think they’d realize that each of ‘em can really take a punch, so what’s the use?
There have been two action movies that put me to sleep. One was the last King Kong. I can watch just so many minutes of a Tyrannosaurus chasing Jack Black through the jungle before I nod off. Same thing with Superman and the bad guys destroying buildings. We’re talking massive collateral damage throughout Metropolis.
During the big fight scenes there are thousands of extras in the background standing around gawking like they’d never seen super humans throwing buildings and vehicles at one another. After awhile, I quit rooting for Superman, and started rooting for the buildings. “Please, don’t destroy another one. Pleeeease.
I don’t want to give away too much, but Superman wins. He used a wormhole or blackhole in one instance and an old wrestler’s move in another. I didn’t understand the black or worm “hole” occurrence, but the wrestler’s move made perfect sense.
Regardless, the entire world now knows that Superman and any other pre-implosion Kryptonian-migrants can be killed by either Kryptonite or a particular wrestler’s hold. – I wouldn’t have shared that info, but I do believe you really need to know ahead of time how Superman kills General Zod. I want you to be prepared so you won’t shout out, “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Hey, anything to keep you from embarrassing yourself like I did.
There were several other holes in “Man of Steel,” but being an unprofessional reviewer, I spent too much space on the best part of the movie. Now, I have no space left to mention anything about other holes in the movie or about Lois Lane, Perry White, or the hardly present Jimmy Olson. So, please see the movie and e-mail me so we can commiserate.
As for now, that pretty much ends my short career as movie critic. That being said, I next plan to see “World War Z.” Kay hates movies about zombies and war, but she’ll go see WWZ with me because of two words -- Brad Pitt. That girl could be trouble. I’ll hafta get back to you on that.
end
You can contact Mark at mark@rooftopwriter.com
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