I have a friend who takes no prescription medication. Says he’s fine without it. He’s about my age, less squatty, more hair and groans less, but other than that we’re the same.
Lanny (perhaps his real name) does take one of those baby aspirins every day. You know, the universal 81 mg dosage? A group of scientists got together and threw a dart at a chart. - “Eighty-one. So, we’re all in agreement? Our findings show that every air breather needs to take 81 mg of aspirin per day?”
Aspirin is supposed to be good for our hearts. A whole aspirin thins our blood too much, but 81 mg is perfect for everyone. If you don’t believe me, believe the dart-hole in the chart.
My body laughs at baby aspirin. When I swallow my fistful of medication every morning, that little yellow pill joins an assortment of spheroids that turn into the soup-of-health. If that tiny aspirin never showed up… well, I doubt it would be missed. I can’t see my stomach saying, “Wait a minute? I don’t see that li’l yella fella. The heart isn’t gonna like that.”
I do not know if all the medication I take does what it’s supposed to do. I do know that it all constipates me. Gives me the Big C. I don’t know if it’s the make-up of the pills or just their shape. Something about medication does a number on my digestive track.
The stuff I take to prevent kidney stones will sometimes completely skip the urinary tract and join everyone else in the big party goin’ on in my intestines. And, that pill for gout? Nobody knows what it’s doing. It’s supposed to go to my foot, but may end up in my underarms. How do pills know where to go?
Truth is, I never read the encyclopedia of information that comes with each pill bottle. Constipation is a given, but I’d just as soon not know about the other side effects. There are thousands listed for each medication, and if I read them all, my brain will mimic every one of them. – “May cause weight gain or loss of appetite, hair growth or loss, constipation and/or diarrhea…”
If I read anything about brain irregularities, I go crazy. My brain has been really taxed of late, due to a role I got in “Inherit the Wind,” which opens March 21, at the Owens Theatre in Conroe. (Hey, support the arts, okay!) Anyway, I’m having trouble memorizing all my lines for the play. Director Don Hampton thinks I should be able to say my lines without continually referring to the script. I don’t know what planet he’s from.
So, I was in the study trying to memorize “…But one of the peculiar imbecilities of our time is the grid of morality we have placed on human behavior…” Kay came up to visit, so I told her how much trouble I was having.
Kay said, “Well, you are taking Lipitor for your cholesterol, and Lipitor is a statin. Statins can cause confusion and memory loss” How does she know stuff like this? What all do they talk about on those designing shows she watches?
Goes without saying that I quit taking my statin. I’m going to have to explain to my doctor during my next visit, why my cholesterol reading is still a bit high. Either that or I’ll have to diet and start exercising. Ha!
It’s odd how my mind suddenly settled down after I quit taking Lumxapro or hippotor, whatever. The statin thing. I’m still royally messing up my lines, but at least I’m less confused about stuff. Like trying to figure out which foot goes with which sock. Did you know that socks are actually ambidextrous? Either foot. I’m not joking.
I wish I had a doctor I could really trust. Someone who would change all my pills to placebos. He’d say stuff like, “Mark, whatever you do don’t take two of the small orange ones that look like Tic Tacs. One is enough to control your night sweats.”
“Actually, doc, it’s ‘restless leg’ that I’ve got.” – “Whatever.”
I’d have to find a real trustworthy doctor, one that I would trust not to give me a placebo, or else it wouldn’t work. I want a doctor like the one who gave poor ol’ Emma Brand on the Andy Griffith Show those candy pills. Bless her heart. I think she had the sciatica.
That’s all I ask. Just give me a piece of candy coated pellet and make up something good about it. My mind will do all the rest. Of course, I’ll still ask, “Will it constipate me?” To which the doctor will say, “Not if you insert it into a chunk of cheese.”
Even with the confusion and memory problems, I doubt I’d fall for that one.
End
Mark@rooftopwriter.com
You need to be checked for an MTHFR gene mutation. If you don't want to go that route, at least find a good probiotic and take a methyl version of B-12. (not the synthetic form) Methylcobalamin... your body doesn't have to work as hard to utilize it. Jill, too!
ReplyDeleteSo funny, Mark. Sure makes since to me, I think we are cut from the same mold. Love you, little brother.
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