Fall go boom.

“Movie mishap”

    Last weekend I went to the Market Street Theatre in The Woodlands to see “The Rover.” I am so pleased that Market Street provides an outlet for little known Independent films.

    “The Rover” was billed as being about post-apocalyptic Australia. Kay doesn’t like post-apocalyptic movies set in Australia… or anywhere else for that matter. Oddly enough, she didn’t even enjoy any of the Mad Max movies. I have no idea how this marriage is holding together.

    While I much prefer going to the movie with Kay, going alone does have its perks. I don’t have to share my popcorn and I can get a root beer instead of a Coke Zero.  Market Street’s large popcorn comes in a bucket. I’m not sure the bucket holds as much as the medium bag, but it’s a bucket. Get it?

I entered the last theatre on the right about five minutes before previews. The theatre was one of the smaller ones. The one where if you sit on the far side you have to walk in front of the screen to go to the restroom. I hate to do that.

    Anyway, I walked in feeling as happy as if my car had just passed inspection. I had my bucket of popcorn and medium root beer and was going to see Guy Pearce playing Mad Max.

Before heading up the steps I counted five patrons -- one lady sitting on the first row, a middle-aged couple on the fourth and another on the sixth. No one appeared to be a threat. Jason Bourne taught me to always make a note when I enter a place. Bourne was never taken by surprise.  

No one noticed me casing the joint, because I’ve got panache. Loaded with panache. They noted nothing suspicious when I took my first step and then my second. But the third step? That’s when it all went crazy. My right foot never landed on the third step. It hit the surface of something, causing me to stumble a bit. No problem. I’ve got great balance. All I had to do was find it.

I was going be fine. Slightly embarrassed, but I can deal with slight embarrassment. But, I kept stumbling, so much so that I lost a bit of my popcorn. I figured maybe two bucks worth. I can do math fast.

I gave up searching for my balance, ‘cause I knew it was gone. Now all I could do was plan my fall. I figured I’d land on my right knee and spring right back up. Piece of cake. Unfortunately, my legs were uncooperative. I was going all the way on this one. This would be a big one. Oh, the humiliation.

I was about ten minutes into the stumble, when I lost all the popcorn. It went everywhere. I believe the laser-like beam from the camera showed some of it fly across  the screen.

Fortunately, the floor finally came up to meet me. Both my elbows landed on the same step. Not real sure what happened to the rest of my body. At some point during the free fall, my root beer left my hand and hit my left foot. I soon discovered that the medium cup holds a lot of liquid.  If I had let the girl talk me into the large drink, they would’ve had to re-carpet the entire theatre.

I stayed down longer than I intended, ‘cause I wanted to savor the moment. The first thing I noticed was that the place was quiet. Everyone was staring at me, but not saying a word. The entire spectacle was a little over 40 minutes, yet, no one had reacted.*

After gathering my wits I said, “All of you keep your seats! I’m okay.” Everyone continued to sit and stare. They were expressionless. Void of expression.   

The lady sitting closest to me did ask if I was okay, and then reminded me that I could get a free refill of popcorn. I felt like giving her a hug just for expressing a kind thought.

I did go out and tell a theatre employee about the mess. The kid showed up with a broom, a bucket and paper towels. While he was sweeping, I noticed that the steps had different widths. Every second or third step was wider than the one before it. That’s so you can enter the rows better. I guess. I must’ve subconsciously been expecting a longer platform ahead of me when there was really just a short one. 

When the kid finished cleaning up, I tried to give him some money, but he declined it. Told me he was only doing his job. I was about to wrestle him right there in the theatre, but figured I had already made enough of a scene.

Oh, and the movie? “The Rover.” Most forgettable. Mad Max it wasn’t. It did have a bunch of flies, filth, desert and mean people. The most memorable thing about the movie was the guy who fell on the steps.

As for me, I’ve never seen anyone trip in a theatre. In fact, the only fall I remember was at college when a guy slipped on an icy sidewalk. It took him 15 minutes to hit the ground. I got a good laugh out of that. And, last Friday at the Market Street Theatre I got my payback. Payback is a bear.

* Scientists will tell you that only three things can slow time. Gravity, an object going the speed of light, and a fall. Einstein did the math on all three.

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Mark@rooftopwriter.com