“Denist, Jehovah Witnesses and Smoothies"
OUT BACK -- Do you know what cottage
cheese does to your body? Do you? I don’t either, but that is the question that
led to me sitting out here. It’s part of this unsettling day.
It started early
this morning with a visit to the dentist where I got a bunch of goop stuffed
into my mouth. I was getting fitted for what’s called a hugger bridge. A hugger
bridge is a removable contraption that fills the gap left by a missing tooth or
teeth. I used to have a permanent bridge in the gap, but it came unbridged by a
Breakfast on a Bun from Whataburger. The story cuts to the heart, so I’m not
retelling it.
While at the
dentist, it took multiple mouthfuls of quick dry cement to get all the settings
required to make the hugger. -- “Okay, Mark, don’t move your head, mouth or
cheek, and breathe through your nose. By the way, have you and Kay gone on any
trips this summer?”
When I got home
from the dentist, I decided to eat leftover frozen pizza. Kay wasn’t hungry.
The timer on the oven had five more minutes when the doorbell rang. It was the
Jehovah Witness ladies. They visit Kay once a week around lunchtime. Kay and I
are not Jehovah Witnesses, but Kay enjoys talking with the ladies. They like
Kay. Everybody likes Kay.
While the ladies sat
at the table, I hid in my study with my pizza drying out in the oven. After
about 15 minutes, I decided it was time for me to make a fool of myself. I
interrupted the session announcing that Kay and I were devout Christians who
just had a different take from Jehovah Witnesses on some of the less obvious points
of scripture.
I’ve got to tell
you, there is no arguing with three Jehovah Witnesses. You would have more luck
with two white shirted, bicycle-riding Mormon young men marching up to your
door in Bellsnap, Nebraska. I used to thank God that I wasn’t a Mormon, ‘cause
I just couldn’t handle the thought of knocking doors in Peoria in an attempt to
win over unsuspecting Second Baptists in central Illinois.
At this point, I
feel it necessary to tell you that I like Jehovah Witnesses, Mormons,
Episcopalians, Pentecostals… any religious group that doesn’t want to hurt or
pester me. I realize that there would be absolutely no arguments on religion if
God had only refused mankind the right to choose. When given a choice, humans go ape.
Regardless of what we read, we don’t all read into it the same thing. Even
atheists don’t agree on what’s going on.
The three ladies
didn’t hate me when they left. I hugged them each right there in the kitchen.
They’ll be back next week. I’ll probably be busy weeding Kay’s garden. In
spirit.
After lunch, Kay
went to her art class, That girl is so gifted. I can’t wait to see how good an
artist she is with lessons. While she was gone, I took a nap. A short nap. The
doorbell rang just as I got into the dream about going to the dentist in my
underwear.
I hated the
dream, but hated answering the door even more. But, thinking it may be the
Jehovah Witness ladies bringing me a fruit cake, I went to the door only to
find a salesman with a special on pest control. His company was spraying the
entire neighborhood at the ridiculous price of $50 a residence, and wanted to
sign me up. His spray even killed insects with backbones. For whatever reason,
that seemed to be a selling feature. I filled the guy’s water bottle and sent
him on his way.
After that, I checked
my e-mails and noticed a pop-up ad that showed an open carton of cottage cheese
with the question “Do you know what cottage cheese does to your body?” Truth be
told, I’ve got enough worries as it is without stewing over the effects of
cottage cheese consumption.
I then left my
study and made myself a mango smoothie. I’ve gotten into fruit smoothies… and
no, I don’t want to know what they’re doing to my body. After the smoothie, my
body felt cooler, so I decided to sit on the back porch. And that’s when you
walked up. There’s only one rule out here today. Anyone who mentions how hot it
is must go home.
By the way, I’m
glad you're here. I need to backup on something I told you last week. When I
mentioned that my niece has a phone that not only will locate my phone, but
will tell me how fast it’s traveling. What I meant to say was “It will NOT tell her how fast I’m traveling.” When a reader,
Wanda, asked me about that, I got in
touch with my niece who told me that she was only joking when she told me I was
speeding. She could discern my progress, but not my exact speed. So that takes
care of that.
Okay, now, let’s
take a look at the birdbath. I bet that water is 102 degrees. – What? You’re
leaving? Too hot? No, don’t go! I’ve got enough frozen mango for maybe two more
smoothies. Anyone? – Well, that’s just ducky. Talk about an an unsettling day!
And, it’s only half over. -- I might as
well go inside. It’s too hot out here. – Next time.
end
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