Brad's hometown

January 31,2019
“Pizza with a Clinton High Maroon”

            Here it is. “Clinton, Illinois, founded in--” Whoa! Sorry, about that. You caught me doing a little research on Brad Meyer’s hometown. It was founded in 1835. And, don’t ask why towns get “founded.” Established, created, started… Only two-year olds say “founded.”

            Brad’s hometown was thunked up by two important guys who stopped in the middle of the prairie in Central Illinois to get a drink from a creek. After a few gulps, one guy commented on how the area would be a good place for a settlement. About 200 years later, 7200 people are living in and around the spot where two men took a drink. Should’ve named the town “Crickwater.”

            The town was called “Clinton” in honor of the dead Governor of New York, Dewitt Clinton. It might’ve been named after the Illinois Governor, Joseph Duncan, but he was still alive at the time. Weird how some things happen.

            My curiosity about Clinton was stoked by a recent visit with reporter, photographer, food-critic, and friend Brad Meyer and his charming wife Nancy. She’s a doll. Brad, not so much. Brad invited Kay and me over for homemade pizza, because he’s a nice guy, and because it was his turn. You see, Kay and I recently had Nancy and Brad over for meatloaf. They felt obligated, and I could do nothing to shake them from that premise.  

            By the way, Brad made the pizza. He chunked a wad of dough on a giant cookie sheet and then smashed it flat. He then baked the thing until the crust was crispy. Then he spread on the sauce, chunked on the sausage and then cheese. Lastly, Brad layered that bubba with pepperoni so thick that you couldn’t see the white of the mozzarella. That pizza beat meatloaf all to pieces.

            We ate on the covered deck out back. Brad had his gas burning fire-pit in the middle, surrounded by deck chairs. It was the perfect night for a cozy fire and good pizza. By the way, I was with Brad when he bought that fire pit from some guy in Atascocita. Brad could’ve bought a new one for what the guy was asking. Brad eventually made the man see reason. One of those offers he couldn’t refuse, which led to Brad and I getting no help loading the eight-ton fire-pit into his truck. My doctor told me to come see him if I thought the bulge from my hernia began to look too hideous. It was enough that he was concerned.

            During the Pizza feed, I picked up on some good stuff about the Meyers. Way back when, Nancy sang in a country western band. Brad said she was great. Of course, he didn’t know her back then, but he has since heard her sing. Kay and I haven’t, because she refused to perform. She said she just loved the song “Make the World Go Away,” just not enough to sing it for us.

            Brad can’t sing. He’s not that good an actor, either. He was once coerced into playing what he thought was a small part in a local movie. He was on a set getting info for a story about one of Chuck Walker’s movies, when Chuck, the Olympian boxer, handed Brad a script and told him to memorize a few paragraphs for an upcoming scene. Chuck figured that an acting role would give Brad a better slant when writing his article.

            I happen to know that Brad Meyer is great on video, radio or in front of an audience if he’s allowed to say whatever comes to mind. But if he has to memorize something to say, he bombs. At such times, I can’t keep a straight face.

            It was shortly after the story about his movie debut, that Brad and I started a discussion on our childhood days. I love childhood so much that I refuse to leave it. Brad told me about being born and raised in Clinton, Illinois. I had to stop him during his “being born” story, but thoroughly enjoyed his stories about his hometown.

            Brad was raised in a small town, named after a dead Governor of New York. Remember? I was raised in the suburbs of Pasadena, Texas, which was named after Pasadena, California, which got its name from the Chippewa word meaning “crown of the valley.” (I don’t know how many locales in this country have names derived from Native Americans. Bound to be a bunch.)

            As kids, Brad and I both pretty much played the same outdoor games; went to the hometown theatre on Saturdays, where we both saw “The Tingler.” A real live Tingler was released in my theatre, and I was so scared that I cried and my big sister, Lynda, had to put her arms around me. And I was 18! (That part’s a joke.) Brad didn’t cry because he didn’t have to worry about a real live Tingler climbing up his leg.

            All in all, it was a great evening, capped off by me tripping over a step on my way to the kitchen. I experienced one of those three minute falls where my mind goes from “I’m okay. The only thing hurt will be my pride.” to “Oh, my goodness, I haven’t made funeral plans!”

            I recovered from the fall, but it was close. Brad was a bit worried, but only because he feared a lawsuit. Unfortunately, I didn’t break, bruise or dislocate anything. If I had, I would now own Brad’s gas fire-pit. And, I assure you, he’d have to find someone else to deliver it to my house. That thing weighs eight tons if it weighs an ounce.

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Ted Talks

January 1. 2019
“Death: the Best Invention of life. – Say what?”

            You can imagine my surprise when I heard of Carol Channing dying a second time. I don’t know when it was that I first assumed she was dead, but it was a good while back. Now, it becomes obvious that she is not only merely dead, but really most sincerely dead. You could’ve knocked me over with a munchkin.

            It’s hard for me to mourn Ms Channing’s demise, considering she was 97 when she died and that she died doing what she loved to do. -- I have not a clue as to what that might’ve been. I hate it when I write myself into a corner like that.

            Some of you may think it a bit crass to try to invent humor out of someone’s passing, but it’s okay if I do it, because I too am going to be a dead person. One of these days. It’s something that each of us has to do, unless we’re a vampire or one of the characters on “Big Bang Theory.”

            Even if you’re fairly sure you’re going to heaven, most of us will likely go out kicking and screaming. Let’s face it; dying is something we’ve never done before. It’ll be something new to us, and you know how much we fear change.

            However, Steven Jobs said that knowing you’re going to die is actually a blessing. While delivering a commencement address at a big college, he said “Death is the single best invention of life. It clears out the old to make room for new.” -- Okay, whatever. Let me try out this other quote:  “If you live each day as if it were your last, it one day will be.” Boy, the guy was deep.

            Jobs said that you have to look back on your life and connect all the dots that involve you doing something you were good at and that you enjoyed. Assuming it didn’t involve hallucinogens, we should each view our “good” moments and see how we might be able to make something of them in the NOW! Something enjoyable. Something that might involve creativity; something that matters – to you.

            By the way, I listened to Jobs’ talk this morning while visiting TED on the Internet. “TED” is a non-profit outfit, formed in 1984 (before personal computers) to spread ideas about Technology, Entertainment and Design all over the world. Over the past 35 years, the list of subject matter has grown exponentially. With the advent of the Internet one can now easily find people, of all make, model, age and talent, delivering short talks on everything from “What I learned from 100 days of rejection.” to “A brief history of cheese.” 

            I don’t believe any of the talks are over 18 minutes. Many are half as long. And, as I said, they cover practically any topic you can think of. Including, “Why it’s now okay to end a sentence with a preposition.”

            What got me involved with TED this morning was Carol Channing. Remember her? Right, she died. And, that got me thinking about my death, because it’s always about me. The worst thing that can happen to me is to live just to die. I don’t see myself doing that at the moment, but give me a few years.

            Let’s face it, the best time to do something good; something that is enjoyable and that matters is when you’re still alive. In other words -- NOW! -- With that in mind, I visited TED to learn from other people who had groomed their imagination and creativity to the point where they discovered new opportunities… new directions in life. Enjoyable and purposeful stuff they could do besides wait on death.

            At the TED site, I checked on several ideas that interested me. One talk was about what I previously mentioned. The one titled “What I learned from 100 days of rejection,” I absolutely hate rejection. Makes me want to quit trying. Weird thing is, it did the same things to Jia Jiang, the young man who delivered the talk. The person who set out to experience rejection each day for 100 days.  

            One day, he went to a Starbucks and asked if he could get a job as a greeter. Another day he went to a popular hamburger joint and asked if he could get a refill on his burger. After 100 rejections, the young man no longer feared rejection or failure. He had even learned several techniques that seemed to help make people more accepting of his really dumb ideas.

            Like I say, I listened to several more talks and learned something valuable from each. What I’d like to leave you with here, is the realization that it doesn’t matter your age or interests; there’s something out there for you. I believe Steve Jobs said it best when he urged us to:  “Stay hungry! Stay foolish!” -- Unfortunately, I’ve never had a problem with either one of those. Didn’t help me one bit.

            I now have a desire to listen to the talk entitled “How to accept reality.” I’ll let you know if it helps.                     

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You can contact Mark at  hayter.mark@gmail.com.

Blade Runner

January 10, 2019
“A sci-fi vision of 2019”

            We finally reached the year depicted in the movie “Blade Runner.” The Sci-Fi movie was loosely adopted from the mindboggling novel “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” written by an oddball genius named Philip K Dick.

            Dick’s 1968 novel was set in the futuristic San Francisco of 1992. Shortly before the movie came out (1982), screenwriters thought it best to shove the year up to 2019. Surely, it would take that long for flying vehicles to be the main mode of city transportation, and the establishment of “off-world” colonies with android workers. 

            The main character, played by Harrison Ford, is a bounty hunter of sorts whose mission is to eliminate six off-the-grid androids that, after their escape from Mars, ended up in Los Angeles. The six “replicants” were a new android upgrade whose creator instilled more mental capabilities than was spelled out in his contract. In short, they were smart enough to realize that they didn’t want to be slaves to humans, so they went all border wall on society.    

            With that concise explanation of an author’s view of earth some 60 years hence, how close do you think we’ve come to matching Philip K Dick’s predictions? To aid me in my research I called upon Geoffrey Fowler, reporter for the Washington Post, who recently wrote about a number of fascinating inventions of 2019. Some of these creations are available right now, but some are expected by the end of the year. Let’s see how closely they resemble stuff from Blade Runner.

            Inubox: A computerized dog toilet. It’s a 30-inch or so rectangular box, one side of which opens and lies flat of the floor. The dog steps on the area, relieves itself and eventually steps off. The door then shuts and the bad stuff is swept away and eventually stored in a bag of sand. After that happens, the box spits out a treat for the dog. It’s not exactly a colony on Mars, but it’s much more functional. Note: Findings are not yet available to prove with any certainty that cats will agree to take part in such a humiliating process.

            Ovis: A self-maneuvering, tag-along suitcase. It’s an upright suitcase that has cameras all over it. The suitcase knows who you are, where you are, and what you’re about run into. It is able to sense people approaching. You go into the restroom, it’s there; stand in line at Starbucks, it’s eager for you to get your latte so it can motor on. If someone tries to steal it, it releases a bag of sand that contains your dog’s droppings. (I made up that part.) Anyway, it should be available this summer at a cost of $800.

            Lovot: A robot pet. It looks like a grapefruit-sized plastic ball sitting atop a cantaloupe-sized ball. The, uh, thing appears to be wearing a plastic burka with a circle cut out revealing a face with two eyes. It gets around on two or three wheels. It has plastic arms that are covered in cloth so the Lovot can flap its arms at you to win your attention.  

            The Lovot mission statement reads, “Try to be affectionate to humans and their live pets.” The Lovot has sensors and cameras all over it, allowing it to recognize faces as well as the presence of other living creatures. According to Fowler, the thing demands a lot of attention, so after about 30 minutes you may want to punt it into the next room. (My words, not his.)

            By the end of the year, you will likely be able to purchase two Lovots for $3000. They only come in twos. I’m assuming that when alone, they wave their arms and make screaming noises.

             Elevate: A car by Hyundai that has wheels that not only roll, but also walk. Say you round a bend on the mountainous road and you come upon the remnants of a rockslide. Put the car in walk-mode, and instantly your wheels are moved around by multi-jointed legs that can climb over objects as tall as five feet, and across debris-filled roads.

            I’m getting this info and photos from Peter Holley, another WP writer, who mentioned that the Elevate can supposedly mimic the “gait” of a lizard or a bear. It can step across a five-foot wide ditch or walk through a snow bank. Nothing was said about side-airbags.

            At this stage, Elevate is merely a concept car. And, won’t be available until after the military’s order is filled. You ask me, it would easier to build a flying car.

             There is a lot of other new stuff out there, but I’ve seen enough to know that I much prefer life in the real 2019 than the one in the imagined 2019. Seems our advances in technology too often outpace our ability to anticipate their potential for bad.

            Reminds me of the last words Rutger Hauer delivered for his character in “Blade Runner.” After saving the life of Harrison Ford’s character, the replicant’s last words were, “I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.” -- That has nothing to do with anything, but I just had to work it in. And, I feel the need to find time for another viewing of “Blade Runner.” Maybe I’ll come close to understanding it this time.

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