Family article hellp

June 9, 2019

“Family Feud”

           

            You’re probably wondering why I called you here. As you know, Kay and I just returned from a month long trip, where we had a great time visiting part of our extended family in Washington State. Two of the family members told us to give each of you a big hug from them. That’s not happening. Except for Jill. I’ll hug Jill.

            BIG AL: So, you called us all here to give Jill a hug? Your next words better be something about a meal. Surely, you got us together so you could take us all out for barbeque. So, go ahead and order take-out. I want ribs and all the grub that comes with it. 

            MARK: First of all, Al, don’t call me Shirley. Second, if you’re going to whine about it, we can go out to eat when we’re through here. Right now, I just want to touch base with each of you, to see what all happened while Kay and I were gone.

            BIG AL: Okay, just so we can get this over, I’ll start. -- It rained a lot while you were gone. I helped Jeremiah out at the driving range, but I didn’t work all that much because it rained a lot. 

            MARK: So it rained. Fascinating. By the way, Al, I only got one response to my moose head article. I heard from a guy named Robert who has a whole moose head. Not just the antlers attached to a skull. It’s got the fur too. And, he’s letting it go for a song. So?

            BIG AL: So, what? I don’t have room in my house for a moose head. What made him think I wanted one?

            MARK: Remember last week’s article about Susan’s moose head?

            BIG AL: I don’t think you should talk about our sister that way. She’s never once mentioned your moose nose.

            MARK: Tell you what, let’s hear from the only family member who hasn’t made fun of my nose. – So Jill, tell us how things have been going since we left?

            JILL: Okay, Mark Snout. I mean Mark Scott. Well, while I was housesitting your house, I got to watch a lot of scary movies on your cable. And in that light, I’ve just got to ask --  why do husbands never believe their wives when they see a ghost in the house? A ghostly, demonic figure can scream and kick down the door, but until it actually attacks the husband, he acts as if she’s just imagining things.—MEN!

            LARRY: I feel your pain, Jill. You need to stop watching scary movies and watch movies like the one about old ladies wanting to be cheerleaders. It’ll pick you right up. Of course, being a MAN, I didn’t watch it. 

            DENNIS: Speaking of Larry being a manly man, reminds me of the fact that our senior citizen softball team lost every one of our games while you were gone. How can old men possibly have fun playing softball when they have no skills whatsoever. It’s embarrassing! I might as well run the ball over from shortstop to first, instead throwing it to the first baseman. The guy couldn’t catch the flu!

            LARRY: I resent that remark! I’ve still got it. True, I do have trouble catching the ball if it’s not thrown to me, and I have trouble running the bases, but I occasionally hit the ball.  

            The thing I can’t do is remember the names of our players. Last week, I walked over to the guy playing second base and said,  “Hey, I’m embarrassed to ask, but what’s the name?” He said, “You’re Larry.” I said, “How did you know that?”

            JILL: Give it a rest, Larry. Another thing you missed, Moke, was a recipe I came across for corn on the cob. You fill a pot with water and add a stick of butter and a cup of milk. Bring it to a boil and then carefully add your corn. Let it cook for about 10 minutes. If it’s not the best corn on the cob you’ve ever had, I’ll take your leftovers.

            AL: A whole stick of butter? So, I’m guessing that after you remove the corn from the pot, you throw some potatoes and cornbread in and have corn chowder.  

             JILL: What a great idea, little brother! Of course, that will call for another stick of butter and some canned corn. 

            MARK: What about birthday parties? Who had a birthday while we were gone? There were seven of ‘em in Susan’s family. There must be 40 people in  Sue’s family, and she gets gifts for each of ‘em. Christmas, too. I can’t handle it. I won’t handle it.

            AL: Birthdays, anniversaries, graduations and Christmas? I’m giving everybody the same thing I got you last year. 

            DENNIS: Good for you Al. I’ll go ahead and thank you for nothing right now.

            AL: Speaking of gifts, what happened to Susan’s moose antlers? I thought you were bringing the skull and antlers home to me. Somebody said you wrote an article about it. You mentioned how I’ve been so nice to you

            MARK: Al, if you’ll Google “Mark Hayter Courier moose head article” you’ll discover why I didn’t bring the moose skull home. But, I tell you what, if we go out for barbecue, I’ll pay for your meal

            LARRY: Wow! Did y’all hear that? Mark’s going to buy us some barbecue. 

            MARK: Okay, but I want every one of you Jake legs to know that I love you. But sometimes I can’t stand you. 

            DENNIS: Okay, I’m starting a list of what we each want.

            JILL: Jake legs? Didn’t Daddy used to call us that. Jake legs?

            end

You can contact Mark at hayter.mark@gmail.com