Perk yourself up

April 21, 2019

“Perk yourself up. Plan a trip and don't take it."

 

            Kay was talking to me during a commercial, and as usual, I was hanging onto her every word. However, I did manage to hear a voice from the TV say, “Tell your doctor that you are ready to--” I couldn’t make out the end. 

            What caught my attention was the part where I “tell” my doctor something. Usually, it’s recommended that I “ask” my doctor for something. Have you noticed how pharmaceuticals assume doctors don’t have a clue? 

            Since the pharmaceutical person sounded so urgent, I begged Kay’s pardon and hurried to my computer to find out what to tell my doctor. What I found was a list of a few dozen things I would never share with my doctor or my wife. I keep secrets from Kay because I’m afraid she’ll tell our doctor. We have the same GP. I have no idea what she’s been telling him about me. He always gives me a questioning look when he enters the room. I notice stuff like that.

            I was ready to exit the drug website and start playing solitaire when something caught my eye. What my eye landed on was the address of a site that offered 70 things to make me feel better about myself. I figured if even three of ‘em were any good it’d be worth the read.

            So, I went to the site and immediately discovered that a psychologist was recommending some really impossible stuff. Like, “Try listening to someone. Really listening.” -- Yeah, like that’s going to perk me right up. Two minutes into someone’s rant, I automatically experience an out of body experience. I consider it a gift from God.

            “Do something spontaneous,” was another recommendation. – Right now, I can envision many of you spontaneously turning to another section of the paper. – Here’s an idea that sounds much better: “Learn something new today.” Okay, let me Google a weird fact for us. – Whoa, get this. “All major league baseball umpires must wear black underwear while on the job in case their pants split.” Well, that little factoid has completely changed the game for me. 

            Besides, I doubt that’s true, so let me find something else I didn’t know. “It is physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.” Okay, I never thought of that, mainly because I don’t care. But, speaking of licking stuff, did you know that the imprint of your tongue is as unique as a fingerprint. I don’t know what that does for you, but it tells me to keep my mouth shut when committing a crime. 

            Here is something else I could do to make myself psychologically healthy: “Take a risk.” I must admit that risk-taking would go contrary to my usual behavior. I’m not crazy about risks. The closest I might come is loudly singing the theme song from the TV series “Jim Bowie,” while waiting at the grocery checkout. -- “He roamed the wilderness unafraid from Natchez to Rio Grande. With all the might of his gleaming blade, he fought for the rights of men. Jim Bowie, Jim Bowie!” --  I would sing the song from Gilligan’s Island, but I’m fairly sure the people around me would join in. Then they’d start telling me everything they know about the series, and I would have an out of the body experience right there in the store. 

            “Drive to a place you frequent, but take a different route.” – In other words – Get lost! Hey, I don’t have the brain capacity to come up with two directions to the same place. I’m getting depressed just thinking about it.

            “Go to the children’s section of the library and read aloud a “pretend” book about a lost walrus.” I made that one up, but I like the sound of it. Here’s a ripe one. – “Apologize to someone you may have offended.” – Good grief! I apologize for stuff every day. Anything I haven’t apologized for has been hidden from me. Depending on where I happen to be, I’ve been known to apologize at the sound of my name. And, I must say, it doesn’t have that much of a calming effect.

            “Do something to put a smile on someone’s face.” – For this one, I may pull up next to a guy in traffic, roll down my window and yell, “Forget world peace! Visualize using your turn signal!” (That’s not original. I borrowed it from someone’s bumper sticker.) If I were to say something like that to anyone, I would immediately apologize.

            Finally. “Plan a trip, but don’t take one.” Planning a trip is supposed to boost your happiness for up to eight weeks. Like you, I have no idea how someone figured this one out, nor why he or she made a distinction of “eight weeks” instead of “two months.” The thought is that when someone returns from a trip, his or her happiness immediately falls back to the baseline. I have no idea the level of my happiness baseline. I imagine it’s way up there.

            However, I happen to know enough about myself to realize that I would receive no happy vibes whatsoever from planning a trip that I’m not going to take. I believe that’s called the fourth stage of madness. You see, it makes me happier to think of all the bad stuff I don’t have to do than it does to anticipate something fun that I’m not going to do. -- And it is that thought that makes me think that I may be more mentally stable than at least one psychologist.

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You can contact Mark  hayter.mark@gmail.com