September 8, 2019
“I'm pooh, poohing pumpkins here!”
Every morning, Kay reads something to me from one of
our on-line newspapers. Occasionally, she shares something interesting. Usually,
she reads me a real yawn-maker. Yesterday, she told me that petting a dog can lower
your blood pressure. I said, “So can knitting socks, but I don’t do that
either.
That
was yesterday. Shortly after she climbed out of bed this morning, I informed
her that Kroger has “Sugar Bowl Bakery Pumpkin Fritters” on sale for five
dollars. Had she been wide awake, she would have come up with some award
winning sarcasm. – “Okay, on your way back from Kroger, please stop at the
library and check yourself out a copy of “Tell someone who gives a hoot!”
Not
having time to get her mind finely tuned, Kay said, “What do I care? I don’t
like pumpkins. You know that!” Of course, I know that. That’s the reason I buy
the Marie Calendar Pumpkin Streusel pie at Kroger. It will be all mine, because
Kay is not a fan of pumpkin. The only way she’ll eat it is if it’s in a
pancake. Apparently, IHOP syrup masks the pumpkin taste.
I
like pumpkin bread, pumpkin cake, and pumpkin pie. I don’t want even a hint of pumpkin
in my coffee, ice cream or M&Ms. The main part of a pumpkin that I don’t
like is the part called “pumpkin spice.” The reason I don’t like pumpkin spice is
because there is no such thing. Pumpkin isn’t a spice anymore than green beans are.
The spices added to a can of “pumpkin pie
filling are cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, allspice and ginger. We all agree that
the BEST of these spices is cinnamon. You can put cinnamon and sugar on wet cardboard
and I’ll eat it. In fact, I believe I have.
But,
nutmeg? Nutmeg messes up almost everything it touches. A little bit is okay. A
little bit more is way too much. Same with cloves… except it’s not good in
anything. It was one of God’s three instructions to Adam and Even while they
were in the garden. “Tend the garden, don’t eat the fruit from the tree of the
knowledge of good and evil, and don’t touch the cloves.” But, I’m sure one of
‘em did. Thus, Cloves Chewing gum was invented. As a child, I sometimes bought a
pack, just because the big kids pretended to like it. Same with Bit-O-Honey
bars. Might as well take out your teeth and put ‘em in a bag.
Ginger?
For me it’s the name for an odd-shaped root that’s good for naming baby girls.
I like the name, but am not a fan of the root. That being said, only one percent
of the world’s population knows what “allspice” is. Up until 10 minutes ago, I
was among the 99 percent who had no clue. I thought it was a name associated
with a manly deodorant company. Come to find out, allspice is a weird berry
that Christopher Columbus found in Jamaica during his second voyage. I have
every confidence that Christopher didn’t discover the berry. He likely traded one
of the natives a jar of fire ants for a dried pumpkin gourd, filled with allspice
berries.
According
to people who know, “allspice” when dried, tastes like a combination of nutmeg,
cloves and cinnamon. When Columbus gave his mom a taste of his allspice, she
said, “This tastes a little like cinnamon. She couldn’t discern the taste of
cloves, ginger, and nutmeg, because in Europe at the time, they were as rare as
boomerangs. Anyway, Chris’ mom decided to add a couple of the dried berries in
her pumpkin pie filling. From that moment on, the pie world evolved into what
we have today.
By
the way, when I asked Kay if she knew what allspice was, she said, “What do I
care? It’s used to make pumpkin pie, and I’ve never made a pumpkin pie. Never
will.” When I asked her if she would make me one if I requested it while on my
death bed, she said, “I wouldn’t hold my breath, Babe.” The girl is quick… when
she’s awake
Speaking
of nutmeg, it’s not a nut. I just learned that a few minutes ago while
researching pumpkin pie filling. While I don’t give two hoots about nutmeg, I
doubt I’ll ever get over cashews not being nuts. Nutmeg is a seed that comes
from the center of a fruit. Cashews are seeds that come from the weirdest seed
container you’ll ever see. I don’t even care to talk about it. Considering the
time and effort required to separate and dry a cashew, a can of the nuts/seeds
should cost ten times more than they do. Oh, and the cashew contains absolutely
no cholesterol. Nutmeg? I don’t know… or care.
In
case you’re wondering, I wrote this week’s article to set the stage of next
week’s piece. The idea came while ordering a pumpkin spiced latte at Starbucks
for my nephew Nalin. Nalin was recovering from a serious surgical procedure
that required him to consume only water laced with medicines. As soon as the
doctor narrowed my nephew’s consumption restrictions, Nalin asked for a “pumpkin-spiced
latte.” I was shocked. Hayters don’t like pumpkin spice. Yet, Dennis’ son was
longing for pumpkin-spice in his coffee milk mixture. I was beginning to wonder
whether or not Dennis sired the boy.
Then
I read something that explained how our likes and dislikes are established.
Next week, I shall attempt to explain the phenomenon. I occasionally clear my
topic selection with Kay. However, in this case, I know she’ll approve. She
would say, “Well, Babe, after last week’s, article you’ve got nowhere to go but
up.”
end
hayter.mark@gmail.com
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