Column evolves

Hayter article for May 24, 2020

“Time for a change?”

            I believe the age of e-mails is coming to an end. That’s sad because I don’t tweet, chirp, messenger-ize, or write letters. However, I am a big texter. That alone should put the nail in the coffin of texting. It’ll likely be gone early next year. That’s the rate of decline on things I learn to appreciate. 

            I prefer texting because I never have to worry about bothering someone when I text. They can deal with me when they’re up to it. Some people are rapid text responders. Others can’t hear their phones when a text message arrives. I have trouble hearing my phone because it’s seldom in the same place I am. It tends to wander.

            Unfortunately, I don’t have time to key-in my texts. With my keyboard, I can type rapidly with ten fingers. Speaking of digits, none of mine can hit a single button without including two others at the same time. Children can text with both thumbs. At once! I can only imagine what would happen if I used two thumbs.

            Fortunately, my phone has audio texting. I don’t know how that works, but what I do know is that it doesn’t work all that well. I was trying to send a text to my nephew, Clint, whereupon I said, “Clint Rock, I’m home. Come on over.” My phone heard me say, “Maintain ran a motto.” I’ve never even had a thought that involved those three words being together.

            About twice a day, I expect the world to stop and let me off. -- “Mark, you’re not coping well. Nothing personal, but just step off. Okay?” I keep fighting it, though. I’ll continue to audio text until they change it to “Thought Texting.” I can’t trust my thoughts.

            Which brings me back to e-mails.  Ninety percent of the e-mails I receive are ads. They’re stored under “Promotions.” I get over a billion a day. The next category is “Social.” An example of “Social” is “ Mark, Anita Goodwinn made a comment about you on Facebook.” Anita Goodwin was one of the waitresses in “A Tuna Christmas”.

            The few remaining e-mails are stored under “Primary.” I usually get primaries from Jill, Brad, and you. I can’t help but notice that you’ve pretty much given up e-mails for Facebook messaging. Last week I did happen on an interesting e-mail from one of you. Ronn had just discovered my article in The Villager. He let me know that he missed my articles, and went on to say that while my articles are still humorous, I’m weirder than I used to be.

            Have you noticed that? I have. My thought process is ever-evolving. That’s what I think. I’m evolving. My thinker is not any better than it used to be, but, hopefully, it’s not any worse. It’s just different. You would expect that from someone over time. As a columnist, I seldom run out of things to say. The challenge for me is to find interesting ways of saying things.

           

            A few of you may remember me writing about Virginia’s mom, Ruby Parker. About how Kay and I just loved the dynamic duo of Rodger and Ruby. They became our Conroe Mom and Dad from the time we moved here in ‘71. One of the best and worst things about Ruby was her honesty. I don’t think God intended for us to be as honest as Ruby. Slap yourself if you remember the time we took Ruby to Luby’s. (Ruby to Luby’s, a good title for a Charley Pride song.) Anyway, partway through our meal, a friend of Ruby’s stopped by our table to chat. After the pleasantries, Ruby asked, “Zeke (not his name), is your mother still big and fat?”

            I kicked Virginia under the table as a way of getting her to “Do something!” But, Zeke never missed a beat. He calmly and politely said, “Well, yes she is, Ruby Jewel. She’s still having trouble with her weight.” I brought that memory back to make this point. Ruby did not like many of my articles. She once told me that after reading the first sentence of any of my articles, she could tell whether or not she wanted to read the rest. Can you imagine the pressure I put on myself to get Ruby to like my first sentence? Turns out, that woman didn’t choose to read many of my articles.

            It’s Ruby’s honesty that made me try harder to capture the reader’s attention. I still have problems, but I continue to evolve. In the last 40 years, I’ve talked with you while driving, fishing, camping, sitting on the roof, waiting in lobbies of dentists, doctors, auto mechanics, movie theaters… I could go on and on, but I’d have to start making stuff up. At the beginning, I seldom mentioned my family in my articles. At least I did until I got letters asking me to write more about family.

            Now I include Kay in practically every article. She’s my live-in proofreader, and, oddly enough, seldom cuts stuff out. The few times she has, it’s been really good stuff, too.

            A few years from now, if the boss hasn’t let me go or the world hasn’t stopped to let me off, I hope to remember this moment in our history as a time we all united in a cause that we considered greater than any one of us. That we quit worshiping our opinions and adopted a creed that involves a greater concern for others. There are so many more “others” than there are of “me.” -- Whoa. I may have come up with another Charlie Pride tune. Ruby and I both loved Charlie Pride. 

           

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