Hayter’s article for January
Brewing up coffee statistics
I am not a connoisseur of coffee, nor do I play one on TV, but I know what I like. I don’t know what you like, nor do I care to know. Perhaps I could sample what you’re drinking and possibly even like it. But it’s just not worth the effort for either of us.
Half of all urologists can tell you what coffee brand you drink. Having made that up, I don’t particularly care about urologists knowing me that intimately. I have changed coffee brands many times. My first sip of coffee was Maxwell House Instant. I was about 12-years-old and really hated the stuff. I only tried because I wanted to be like my dad.
It was during my first summer job that I had a cup of actual brewed coffee. It was at “Benjamin Foster’s Pipe Insulation and Coatings” factory where the foreman brewed real coffee every morning. The group of us would sit around on five-gallon buckets until the foreman said, “Okay, let’s get to work.” I wanted the foreman to think I was as manly as the others, so I took to drinking coffee. I liked it right off. Meanwhile, Dad was still drinking Maxwell House Instant!
Let’s skip ahead to the time the Keurig brewer came out. It was at this point that I came up with my coffee rating system. It’s complicated, so stick with me here. I rate my coffee “Good”, “Okay”, or “Bad”. I prefer “good” but can handle “okay.” One sip of “bad” is all I can take.
My first “good” rating went out to Dunkin Donuts, partly because I liked the word donuts. The number of spent plastic Duncan Donut Keurig pods that I threw in the garbage could’ve filled two-thirds of a garbage truck. Last year, Duncan coffee started tasting less good to me. It nosed into the “Okay” category. I don’t know if it was me or the coffee. I go through different phases. Not as many as women, but I’ve got phases all right.
From Duncan, I went to “Angelino’s”. They have a good flavored medium and a good bold. They also have a wide variety of flavors. After my first sample box, I discovered that I do not like flavored coffee. Only 32 percent of all male coffee drinkers can tolerate flavored coffees, while 78 % of all women not only enjoy flavored coffee, they PREFER it! All of these statistics are as real as I can make them. The Hayter brothers were at my house yesterday, and I managed to get Larry to take my entire box of “Crème Brulee” Keurig cups off my hands. Get this. He called today and thanked me for giving him the coffee. I was surprised to hear that until he told me he hadn’t tried it yet!
I was coaxed away from Angelino’s by a popup ad for “Tayst”. Tayst’s coffee pods do not encase their coffee in plastic. The coffee pods have a paper top affixed to a small, bowl-shaped coffee-filled filter. The spent pod is completely “compostable”… not that I’m going to start a compost. If I do that, I’ll have to start a garden. I am so past my gardening phase of life.
As concerned as I am about the environment, I still wouldn’t purchase Tayst if I didn’t like their coffee. The coffee rates a “Good”. I like their medium and bold. They call their medium “Medium & HEROIC”. The heroic flavor escapes my taste-buds, but the Medium part is Good. The bold is called “Bold and Brilliant.” I do not know the flavor of “brilliant”, but, I do know “Good”, and it is that. Yes, I do understand that coffee companies have so many different types of medium and bold coffees, that they must make up names for them. For example, “Medium Li'l Skippy” wouldn’t work nearly as well as “Medium HEROIC”. After a cup of that stuff, you can’t help but feel brave. – What? Right. That just doesn’t sound right. Some may consider Bold and Brilliant not to be bitter enough for them. Coffee has got some bitterness to it. You would have to brew it in cold water to get the bitterness out. I don’t like cold coffee. Eighty percent of all female coffee drinkers do, but that shouldn’t surprise anyone.
For me, Tayst has nailed their Bold flavor. They have another “Bold” they call “Brazen”. My thesaurus says that brazen means that the coffee is shameless and smart-alecky. Another taste of which I’m unfamiliar.
By the way, please know that my favorable rating of Tayst coffees has nothing to do with the great-looking coffee mug they sent with the coffee samples I purchased. The mug looks great. It’s good for soups, beans, oatmeal, and the like. But, it’s not good for coffee, because it’s too wide and short to hold the heat.
I’m a slow drinker of coffee. I sip. My daddy was a sipper and my grandpa was a… well, I don’t remember what Grandpa Ed was. Kay doesn’t drink her coffee fast or slow. She just doesn’t drink it at all. She’s one of the 53 percent of all women who don’t drink coffee. I rate that as “Good”.
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