“How sickness causes the mind to go dumb”
Have you noticed how some of us use a dog as an example of how sick we are? Well, you need to start picking up on stuff like that. Sociologists have determined that 58 percent of Americans use the canine as a measure of enfeeblement. (Sociologists always use bigger words than is necessary.)
I used dogs and horses as examples of stuff. Numerous times I’ve expressed the ability to eat like a horse. I’ve never been as fast a horse, though. But I knew a guy who the coach said was as fast as a gazelle. The same coach used an ox as an example of my speed.
The point I’m trying to make here is that mankind uses animals as our barometer for the human condition. I suppose it’s safer than using fellow humans. “Hey, slow down partner! You’re eating like Edith.” The word “Edith” just popped into my head. I had no Edith in mind when I wrote it down. I don’t know that many Ediths, but not a of ‘em are known for over consumption. I must’ve subconsciously thought the word “eating” sounds close to the name “Edith” instead of Elsie.” My mom was an Elsie and she never ate all that much.
None of that has anything to do with today’s article. I brought it up because I intended to start the article off with “I’m as sick as a dog.” During the few times I’m normal, I’m right as rain. Begging the question, is rain ever right? But get past that, would you? Can’t you see that I’m not myself?
My sickness involves a nose that is in the constant state of drip. The quantity of drip has lessened a bit since I took some Sudafed, A few minutes ago Kay told me that the 18 letter word for what’s in Sudafed does something to the blood vessels in your nose that curbs the amount of sn— uh mucus to form. I may have that backward, but I don’t want to ask her again, because I fear I’ve put her at her wit’s end. A “wit” isn’t endless, you understand. It’s got an end beyond which one should not tred.
While my nose is runny, my ears are clogged. Not my outer ear. That’s stupid, Something down my ear canal is stuffed up. My runny nose, clogged ears, lack of balance, and absence of wit used to be signs of a cold. Now there are no signs of a cold, because COVID has cured the common cold. You couldn’t get a cold if you wanted to. It’s COVID or nothing.
By the way, I was among the first to get my shot. I got three of my own and two that belonged to other people. I think. I didn’t take my cold shot, though. I don’t think there is one. But, within three weeks, I did get two flu shots. When the doc asked me if I had a flu shot, I couldn’t remember, so I told him I hadn’t. That’s why I know I don’t have the flu. That and the fact that the flu was eradicated by COVID.
So, right now I’ve got the COVID cold. I’ve got a COVID test kit, but Kay won’t let me waste my kit on a cold. The girl knows stuff. And, she’s as sure-footed as a Northern Rockhopper. I could watch her all day. – And, no, I don’t know where that came from.
My condition got me into a lot of trouble with Brad Meyerson. The guy cracked a couple of ribs a few weeks back. His explanation of how it happened sounded Shakespearian. It seems that while holding his camera he had one foot in his boat and his second foot on the pier. No idea where he kept his third foot. While in this awkward position he managed to crack two ribs without even falling. I guess I should have written down what he said, but my mind wandered.
After the injury, Brad was sick as a dog with cracked ribs. We had to put off our racquetball games for a long time. A couple of weeks ago, he said he would be okay to play the following Tuesday. I emailed back. “I’ll be there. Just look over your shoulder, dunderbutt” I stole part of that line from the Supremes”
Well, last Tuesday came around, but I didn’t. I was sick as the proverbial dog with this nose running thing and forgot about my meeting Bradthorp at the gym, so he called the house 15 minutes after he showed up at the gym. Kay answered my cell phone because I’m sick. Did I mention that? I don’t know what was said, but Kay giggled a lot and then handed me my phone. The first word and half out of his mouth were “What th—” After that, he read me the crude version of the riot act.
Bradstone rescheduled our next game for Thursday. I promised not to let him down this time. Well, when Thursday morning came around he sent me an email saying that he couldn’t make it. As a joke, I wrote back, “Can’t make what?” – Well, after getting my email he called me back and accused me of a bunch of things, some of which I’d have to have a medical degree to know what he was talking about. Had Kay been around, I would’ve handed her my phone so she could hear the way the real Brad Meyerski talks.
All of this is the reason I’m unable to write a normal article. All of the other times, I’m normal as, uh, as an animal of some kind. Just pick one yourself.
end
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