Hayter’s article for Jun 5, 2022

“Jill and her scary movies”

Lon Chaney, Jr.

          There was a time when the TV Guide was all I needed to figure out what to watch. I don’t think they make ‘em anymore. Today, such a guide would be as thick as a printed copy of the Texas Constitution. I doubt you could cram that thing into a footlocker.

          Do you have any idea how many cable Networks there are in this country? Neither does anyone else. The number of TV programs, Movies, Documentaries, Sporting games, game shows, and sitcoms airing right now is known only by God. And, it’s not one of his priorities.

          That’s why I called Jill. My kid sister has kept a rating of every movie she’s seen since the advent of cable TV. She keeps her data online, because it’s easier to categorize, alphabetize, and numericalize her findings. Mesmerizing it is.

          I don’t know if you’re aware, but it takes me a long time to decide what to watch. I can spend an hour or two cruising through Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, and everything else. I could watch an entire movie in the time it takes me to find a movie I wanna watch. Kay thinks my process defies logic. I told her, “Oh, yeah?”

          The movie networks have made selection somewhat easier by providing reviews of the movies. They call ‘em trailers because it makes less sense than “previews”. Trailers are tricky. They can show you an exciting scene in an otherwise boring movie. I’ve found it best to call Jill. In this particular instance, I asked her about a werewolf movie. There are 137 of them, and I don’t remember the name of the one I asked her about. She looked at her computer and in a few seconds told me that she gave my werewolf movie a C+. That’s a high grade for Jill.

She read me the good and bad parts, but I wasn’t paying attention, because I changed my mind about werewolves. I told Jill (for the 10^th time) about when I was camping out in the backyard of one of my two David friends. It was about midnight when we finished the last of the snacks, and decided to cancel the campout. I wasn’t invited into David’s house, so I had to grab my bike and haul my buns home.

          On my way home, the monster I most feared was a werewolf. Specifically, Lon Chaney, Jr. You can’t outrun or out-peddle a werewolf. You’re just dead. I told Jill that when a werewolf gets you it’s best they kill you. If they just bite you, that means you become a werewolf. That’s a lousy life. Mom would never let me out at night if I was a werewolf. Jill said she wasn’t worried, because there aren’t any girl werewolves. However, I think I saw one in 2009.

          I immediately changed the subject to “how much special effects in scary movies have improved. Now they don’t have to cut the camera when a person gets halved. They let the video keep the top of him together and render the bottom part so it looks like a red pair of limp jeans. That stuff doesn’t scare me anymore. If they had been that graphic when I was a kid I would’ve probably wet myself. Now I just try to close my eyes before the gore hits the screen. It grosses me out. The same thing happens when the news shows a segment of people getting COVID shots. I don’t watch when I’m getting a shot, and I sure don’t want to watch you get one.

          Back to werewolves, Jill said, “You know what gets me? It’s when somebody’s running away from a werewolf or vampire and they look back every two seconds to see if it’s closing in on them. Do they have any idea how much slower you run while looking over your shoulder? I learned that running track.

          The way I know if Jill is enjoying a scary movie is by how piercing her screams are. If it’s a good movie, she’s gonna let it all out. She’s reached octaves that Celine Dion only dreamed about. The worst scream was during “Jaws” when the rotted head bobbed up in front of Richard Dreyfuss while he was underwater inspecting a sunken boat. There’s no music to warn you about it, either. Jill was sitting in front of me, and that girl let out an eardrum-burster. She wasn’t the only one, but her scream caused others to scream. You could hear people screaming from the concession stand. Maybe.

          At one point during our discussion, I asked Jill to name the movies that rated an “A”. She said there were only two. ‘To Kill a Mockingbird” and “The Searchers.’” She asked for my favorite movie and I said, “Hombre” with Paul Newman. It was the first great movie that came to mind, so I went with it.

          After our phone chat, I logged in to YouTube and watched the greatest running plays in football history, then the 10 best knockouts in boxing history, the most costly errors in baseball, and unexplained weird stuff. There’s a lot of that going around. After that, Kay called me to bed. Mom used to do that, but she never let me stay up as late as Kay does. Even though she criticizes my logic, she was still a good catch.

end

hayter.mark@gmail.com