Neighborhood Meeting and McRib

 

Hayter’s article for Nov 27, 2022

“Neighborhood Gabfest”

        MARK:  All right, I need you all to settle down and take a seat! And, the one of you who took me literally last time, please return my borrowed fold-out chair that I accidentally took from the church on Christmas Eve 2017. I still have every intention of returning it.

        Before we get started with tonight’s neighborhood gabfest, there are a few items we need to take care of. First of all, it’s time to take down your Halloween decorations. There are skins of deflated pumpkins, ghosts, and witches all over the neighborhood. Box ‘em up, bag ‘em up, or sell ‘em to some other desperate soul. Neighbors, it’s time to put Halloween to rest and start thinking about Christmas. 

        No, Wanda, we’re not yet ready for the gabfest. -- What? – No! I have not mentioned the award for best Halloween decoration, because we don’t have one. Never have. Never will. In fact, I’m about ready to cancel the Christmas decoration contest. – Oh, yes I can! Read the bi-laws I sent you. Why do I even bother?

        While I’m on the subject, several of you forgot that we are not decorating for Thanksgiving. It’s just stupid. And one other thing, some of you, and you know who you are, need to stop bugging Loretta! The woman delivers the mail, for heaven’s sake! She doesn’t have time to talk to any of you. Yes, I know she sometimes starts the conversations, but she’s just being polite. And gabby.

The City Postal Boss, is threatening to install one of those giant mailbox things with all of the little locked doors on it, thus making us walk past dogs and people we don’t care to see on our way to get the mail? Nobody wants that, so leave Loretta alone!  -- What is it Blake?

BLAKE:  Did y’all know that McDonald's is again offering the McRib? Only this is the last time they’re ever making it.

MARK: Thank you for that, Blake. It appears you’ve stolen the attention of everyone in the room, so what say we dispense with the important issues and get on with the gabfest, that Blake just started.

I am proud to say that I have never tasted a McRib, so maybe one of you can tell me what kind of meat is in it. It can’t be rib.  -- Yes, Doug? 

DOUG:  I heard that nobody knows what the meat is. Some scientists think it’s restructured pork shoulder, shaped like a small picket fence to make it look like ribs.”

MARK: Well, that was my fifth guess. I assume the pork is ground to a paste, like the guts of a Vienna sausage, only with some texture to it.

Maybe I can get Kay to eat one of those things before they become obsolete. By the way, Doug, the McRib is never going away because of people like you. -- Does anybody have any questions about the neighborhood? Dog problems? Loud music? Break-ins? Late-night auto repair? Anybody? Yes, Patty?

PATRICIA: Did you see about the guy who spent three to five hours every day for 2995 days at Disneyland in California? On a wild hair, he decided to go to Disneyland every day for a month. It was probably his wife’s idea. Anyway, after a month, he decided to do it for an entire year.

After that, he was hooked. He eventually tallied 2995 days straight. That’s a little over eight years. If it hadn’t been for COVID, he’d still be riding those stupid teacups. But, in March 2020, Disneyland closed for a year because of COVID. He apparently enjoyed his time at home, because he gave up on Disneyland.

MARK: Fascinating. Peggy, do you have any idea how much it would cost a person to visit Disneyland every day for eight years?

PATRICIA:  As a matter of fact, I do. You can get a one-year ticket for $1600. For eight years, figures out to $4.38 a day. If you had to pay for each day separately, it would amount to—”

BEA: Wait! Don’t tell me! Three billion dollars, give or take. That’s it, isn’t it?

PATRICIA: Almost, Beatrice. Not counting food and tax, it would run you $320,465.

MARK: Fascinating. Now It’s my turn. Do you have any idea how you can tell if a plastic bottle, lid, dish, or jug is recyclable? – Wait! You’re going crazy on me. – Okay,

You have to look at the number embossed on the bottom of the jar or whatever. Makes, no difference, you won’t be able to read it anyway. 

But never mind that.  All plastics can be recycled into something. But not all plastic is worth the effort or the health issues that recycling may create. The question is, how much plastic does Montgomery County actually collect for the supposed purpose of recycling? – Right, I don’t know either.

But, mathematicians tell us that while 94 percent of all U.S. citizens believe in recycling, a little less than seven percent of all plastic waste gets recycled. And do you know who’s to blame for that? – No, Wallace, not Belize. -- China! In 2018 China quit buying our trash

Since then, we’ve been burying and burning more trash than ever. And, China? They also had to bury, burn and chunk in the ocean all the garbage we already sent ‘em. Just like we do

And, what point am I trying to make here? – Well, I tell you. It’s about those deflated plastic pumpkins and ghosts, and the soon-to-be Santas, Rudolfs, and Snoopies that are coming to our neighborhood! Have you learned nothing about pollution?

And, that my friends, is one reason I choose not to display gigantic inflated objects in my yard. And, on that note, I think we should take a break and munch on all of the biodegradable snacks some of you brought. – Oh, and Doug, you need to bring back my fold-out chair. – Oh, I know you did.

end

hayter.mark@gmail.com