I'm Normal

 

Hayter for January 7, 2024

“The Good News is, my doctor thinks I’m normal..” 

          On Tuesday I got a checkup with my family doctor. We both didn’t get the checkup. He was the one who administered it. – More and more I find it necessary to clarify myself.

First off, the doctor asked if I had any problems. I thought, “Where to start?” I ended up starting with my short-term memory. I told him it was shot to heck and back. He informed me that he saw a movie with a similar name. The man has a great sense of humor.

I started off by bragging about my long-term memory. It’s great. I told him that I could remember tripping this kid on the playground when I was in the second grade at Richey Elementary. The kid was running lickidy split right in front of me. He was moving so fast that I didn’t have time to think. I just stuck my foot out and tripped him. The playground teacher asked why I did it. I didn’t know why. I told her it was an accident. I just took a step without seeing Josh jetting past me. It still bothers me to this day.  – The doctor said, “Mark, I think it’s time you let it go.”

He missed the point. I told him that was an example of my long-term memory. It’s fantastic. It’s my short-term that stinks on ice.

As an example, I told him about the incident during the U.T./Washington football game. In between plays, the camera zoomed in on one of Texas’ backup quarterbacks, Arch Manning. The kid looks like he’s in the ninth grade. His grandpa is Archie Manning, and his two uncles are Peyton and Eli. But, I could only remember Archie and Peyton’s names.

I went through the alphabet twice. There wasn’t a single letter that resonated. Archie, Peyton, and… uh, who? About five minutes later it hit me. “Eli! New York Giants, winner of two Super Bowls!” Yay, me! So, it’s Archie, Eli, and, uh…” I lost Peyton! It took me five minutes to forget the name that was embedded somewhere in my noggin. But, where?

          When I told the doctor the story, he had no comment. I said, “You know what I’m talking about don’t you, doctor? I’m losing my mind.”

          He kept his eyes on my chart and said, “Your mind is better than mine. I didn’t know the  names of any of those guys.”  -- That’s only one reason I like my doctor so much. He’s got a great sense of humor. And, while not recognizing the names of football players, he knows a lot about bone structure, organs, blood, migraines, spider bites, weight gain…

          The doctor explained that what was happening to me was common among people my age He said that the time to worry is when I’m driving and forget where I am and where I’m going.

          I thought that an encouraging thing to say. I shall assume I’ll keep my mind a year or so longer. Kay has managed to cipher my code names. I’ll be walking around with my keys in hand and she’ll ask what I’m looking for. I’ll say, “My keys.” She immediately notices that I have my keys in hand, so guesses at what I’m really looking for. “Your wallet is on top of the hall cabinet,” she said. I can’t let anything happen to this woman.     

          Speaking of the New Year, we didn’t have the traditional New Year’s meal. I had purchased a head of cabbage for New Year’s but ended up turning it into coleslaw two days prior.  There was still a bit left for New Year’s Day, but I’m not sure coleslaw counts for cabbage.

The black-eyed peas didn’t happen. We had a can in the cabinet, but neither of us cared for it. Monday’s are not good for black-eyed peas. I must’ve read that somewhere. Anyway, this New Year’s was the first one in memory that we didn’t eat the traditional meal

Do you want to know why I’m not concerned? Well, I’ll tell you anyway. We’ve had some lousy stuff happen to us during some of the years when we ate the traditional New Year’s meal. I don’t know what that tells you, but it tells me that black-eyed peas and cabbage are not lucky charms. Neither is the breakfast cereal by that name. “Lucky” my keester!

          There’s already been one thing that’s messed me up for the New Year for me. Brad and I were supposed to play racquetball the day after New Year’s, but he said he was sick. He had been sick the game we’d played previously, but he made a go of it. I beat him two games out of three. That seldom happens, so this time, he refused to let it happen again.

          I make it a point to mention racquetball during my doctor checkups. “So, Mark, have you been exercising?” – “Have I been exercising? I’ll have you know, Sir, that I play racquetball two days a week.” -- I didn’t mention that I tend to lose a lot. I don’t think my doctor cares if I win or lose, just as long as I’m exerting myself.

In truth, I don’t exert that much, because Brad is good at hitting the ball away from where I’m standing. This year I’m going to surprise the Bradster by moving a bit faster on the court. That’ll shock both of us. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to have to trip him. I’m apparently good at that.

end

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