COVID

 

Hayter for February 18, 2024

“Who do you think is the sickest?”

For the past seven days, my crossword puzzles have been eating my lunch. Normally, I breeze through those things like a wiener dog at a run on a waxed kitchen floor. Now? I’m embarrassing myself. – Of course, I’m kind of proud of my wiener dog analogy.

While I would like to believe that crossword puzzles have just gotten so much more difficult, I know that’s not the case. It’s COVID. I tested positive last week. Kay caught it three days later. You ask me, I carry the sickness much better than she does.

A couple of hours after the hellish nostril swab, Kay told me that she was sicker than I was. Her basis for determining that comes from which of us acts the sickest. As you know, I hesitate to brag on myself, but I don’t make a big deal about being sick. I suck it up and handle it like a man.

Kay broadcasts the severity of each of her symptoms. – “You think you have a sore throat? You have no idea, little mister!” – By the way, Kay is too sick to edit this article, so there is no need for you to share any of this with her.

Speaking of which, since Kay didn’t edit this thing, there’s bound to be some serious misspellings, verbiage issues, and horrible sentence structure. I’m thinking, just a little worse than usual. I was tempted not to write anything for this week but feared readers wouldn’t notice. That would just add to my sickness.

          This is not the first time I’ve caught COVID. My first case was about two years ago. Since then I’ve been getting the new shots and wearing a mask, just not religiously till now. I remember my first case being bad. Nausea, sore throat, cough, headache, thought process ruined… No diarrhea. I think that germ was destroyed a couple of weeks after the ’69 football homecoming game at SFA.

          I don’t even know how the Lumberjacks managed to field an entire team for that game. Kaopectate sold out in Nacogdoches. It was the first I had ever heard of the chalky liquid that fought against frequent fecal evacuations. I haven’t needed the stuff since then, which is just my luck because it now comes in different flavors. But let’s put that behind us.

          I have learned something new from my second bout with “CO-rona-VIrus Disease 19” – (the source of the acronym.) The virus will lull you into a sense of wellness. After day three, I felt almost normal. It was a “ding dong, the witch is dead” moment. The following morning I was sick as whatever dog it is that’s always sick. By bedtime, I felt much better, but in the morning I was as sick as the proverbial canine.

          The only positive I can see out of this thing is that I’m losing weight. I’m not tempted by fried chicken, steak, shrimp, tater tots, or cashews. I prefer a bottle of near-frozen HEB Cola. A bottle of Coca-Cola tastes like it’s got too much of something in it, and not enough of something else. I’d be more specific, but my memory is shot to pieces. I thought I mentioned that.

          Things were a little better when I was the only one sick, but now I’ve got to worry about Kay and ME! Kay took care of me fairly well at the beginning, now she’s little help. We both take turns taking care of one another, but right now I’m the one doing the most work. I’m banking on her being better tomorrow and me being worse. Then we’ll trade places.

          Overall, you’re best bet is to not be the only one who gets sick. Your spouse will have to help you then. Make sure she wears a mask! Don’t sleep together, don’t touch one another, and don’t wear one another’s clothing. That hasn’t been much of a problem for me but for Kay? She looks so much better in my stuff than I do.

          Speaking of doctors, we haven’t seen one. Kay called a doctor’s assistant who asked to see the results of our COVID tests, so he could prescribe us a new medication for COVID. He didn’t have time to explain much about it, though. I believe a lot of people are getting this third or fourth wave of the virus.

The same day Kay called the pill assistant, I had a ZOOM appointment with my CPAP nurse, Maggie. CPAP stands for the device that you attach to your nostrils, so it can shoot air up your nose. You can’t quit breathing when that hose fills up your nasal passage with a continuous gust of blowing wind.

Anyway, when I told Maggie that I had COVID she filled me on what I needed to know about the virus. She said she caught it before it had a name. She had it for six months. Somewhere in that time, it got the name “Chu zsa pah saxi gen” or ‘COVID-19’. I didn’t take notes during Maggie’s Zoom meeting so I had to make up the the Chinese name for the virus.

When I told Maggie about how many projects I had to complete, she ordered me to stop. She said, “You can’t worry about that. Do you know why? Because you're sick!” That was the coolest thing she could’ve told me. Unfortunately, she felt the need to add,  “Of course, you can’t lay in bed all the time. You’ll have to get up and move around each day, or you’ll get static. And do you know why?” -- “Because I’m sick?” – “No! Because your lungs will fill up with mucus and you’ll die!” – Maggie’s got a good sense of humor. I’m just not sure that was an example of it.   

          Maggie said as soon as we recover we’ll need to clean the walls, windows, remote controls, door knobs, shoestrings, air vents, and writing utensils. Without question, Kay needs to be the first one to get well.

end

hayter.mark@gmail.com

 

Big Al interview

 

Hayter for February 11, 2024

“What you may not know about Big Al”

          A few articles ago, I interviewed my kid sister Jill and wrote about my findings. I did that because I love my sister. That and a reader told me that she wishes I would write more about my family like I used to.

          I’ve cut back on that because we’re old and we’re so much less active than back in the day. No more hikes, campouts, flag football, softball, roofing each other’s houses… That and we don’t have  Mom and Dad. A loss of parents tends to curb family get-togethers. It doesn’t end them, there is just not much to do when you have ‘em, except talk about being old. A fascinating subject.

          That being said, it’s time to interview my kid brother, Al. I used to call him Big Al because he’s the biggest brother and could beat the stuffings out of me if he wished. He still can, but I’m less worried that he will. Right now, I shall quit talking about him and let him talk about himself.

          All right, Al, I’ve got some questions for you. If you don’t like one of ‘em, lie. I’m the only one who will know. First off, I’m going to ask you a question that the Assistant Director of the Texas Forest Service asked me during my interview. Al, where do you want to be in five years?

          “So, the Forest Service Assistant Director asked where your little brother wanted to be in five years. Strange. Five years from now I’d like to be above ground. Speaking of time, let’s go back a ways. Al, when you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up? – “That’s easy. I wanted to be a guy with a full head of hair. I would love that very much.” – Al, I would love it if I looked as good as you without hair. But, look at me! – “Mark, next question.”

          All right. Al, What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? – “That’s easy. It was in high school track. While learning to high jump I couldn’t get my back leg to roll over the bar. A close second was to figure out when to use a comma or just start a new sentence.”

          Well, I didn’t see that coming, but we’re getting some of our audience back. Al, when are you at your happiest? – “That’s a tough question because I’m always happy.” – Seriously, Al. – “Okay, I’m happiest when I’m spending time with my grandkids or right after I’ve taken my meds.” 

          Fascinating. So, Al, what are most people surprised to learn about you? – “That I like my steaks medium-rare.” – Wow, Al, that’s almost fascinating. – “You didn’t know how I liked my steaks, did you?” – No, but I thought you might mention some of the movies you’ve been in and all the actors you know.  --  “I’m sorry, number three brother, would you like to answer the rest of the questions for me?” – Ouch. -- “Hey, I’m jokin’! That was a nice plug. Don’t do it again.” 

          I promise. Al, what is the best memory of your childhood? It doesn’t have to involve me, but it probably does. – “It was Christmas 19 something, Mom and Dad faked me out thinking I didn’t get the 10-speed bicycle I wanted. Dad told me to pick up some of the boxes in the house and put ‘em in the garage. That’s where they hid the bicycle. Happy Day.” – Daddy did the same thing with Dennis and me when we got our bicycles. – “Cool. Save that for when you get interviewed.”

          Oookay. So, Al, who is your biggest role model? – “Would it break the rules if I chose my son? I wish I was more like him.”  -- Of course, you can use Clint. He’s a great kid. I mean man. I don’t mean he’s a “mean” man, He’s like— “Mark you’re ruining it. My son is a great father, husband, and son. And, he’s got the confidence thing going for him. I don’t know who he got that from.” -- It sure wasn’t either one of us.

Here’s another. Is there a ‘life lesson’ that you had to learn the hard way? -- “Really? The first thing that comes to mind is when I told the platoon sergeant he was an idiot.” – Hokey smokes, little brother! And you’re still alive? – “No, I passed away after that Texas Forest Service question. Look, I didn’t badmouth a platoon sergeant. I’ve got a bunch of life lessons. Give me a couple of hours and I’ll have you a list.”

          Super. This question is hard. What one day of your life would you choose to live over if you could? – “No, that’s pretty easy. I would like to live every day of my life over except from the time I was born up to the sixth grade.”  -- Whoa. Maybe this time you’ll teach me how to work your bike gears.

          Do you have any regrets in life? – “Of course, I do. I wish I had learned to play a musical instrument.” – Cool. What kind? – “Guitar, drums, and those bamboo flutes. I think you buy at Six Flags.” – Yeah, I think Dad hid your bamboo flute.

          Last question, bro. Where do you find inspiration? – “Hmm. When I see kindness. That is inspiring.” – Good answer, Al.

          Al, I’m not out of questions, but I am out of time. So, how do you want to end this thing? – “How about ‘Goodbye’”. – Kind of abrupt don’t you— Ah. Goodbye, little brother. Okay then, we’re through here. So, next time. I prefer that over goodbye.

 end

hayter.mark@gmail.com