Hayter article for August 4, 2024
"I coulda been a contender"
There are so many things that keep coming back to haunt me. Considering the total of them I get the feeling that I do not belong on this planet.
I’m blaming a small portion of this on Simeon Biles. That young lady can do things with her body, that I can’t even follow with my eyes. She runs to the middle of a mat and immediately jumps higher in the air than God intended for us to be capable of jumping. While in the air, she turns three flips, makes two body twirls, and three backward twists, finally landing on the mat, positioned like a model. It’s the kind of thing that was previously only capable in animation.
Are you following me here? The moment Simone’s feet left the ground, her mind had already registered orders for her body to follow. Her mind already described her body maneuver left, a roll right, and then a body move upward, requiring the neck, elbows, and knees to help manage a perfect landing.
It was Simone Biles who made me think about my lifelong buddy, Johnny Sutton. I’ve mentioned that among other things, we were both in the same gymnastics class at SFA. One of the first things the coach told us was that during the last week of class, each of us would perform a routine that would count for half of our grade. That meant that Johnny and I had all of two and a half months not to worry about it.
Each day we attended gym class, the coach showed us how to do certain maneuvers. A few of them, I already knew. I just never caught on to how to do them properly. During each session, we had to demonstrate the moves that we had learned the previous time. We did things on the high bar, the rings, the pummel horse, parallel bars, and the mats. I hated them all.
I’ve gotta tell you, there are thousands of maneuvers that gymnasts can do on a mat. But two college sophomore forestry students mastered only the forward roll and the side-straddle hop. Forward rolls give me a headache. The side-straddle hop is just dumb. You jump up and let your legs go out and your arms go up. On your way down, your legs come in and your arms go down. Then you do it a couple hundred more times.
Let us move forward to the last week in my gymnastics class. The day before gym class, I practiced a routine in my mind but refused to try it out in the dorm. On the next day, the first thing I tried was the kip on the high bar. I had only managed it once in class. This time, while hanging onto the bar, I swung my legs out and up. This gave me enough momentum to kip up. That means nothing to you, but it’s one whale of a feat.
On that particular maneuver, God was sure with me. During the rest of the routine, he just looked down and grinned. When I dismounted the high bar, I immediately headed for the parallel bars, where I really made a fool of myself. My pummel routine drew a laugh from each person in the gym. I couldn’t explain it to you without sobbing. My plan for the balance beam was to walk across the long, narrow beam without falling off. I managed it. It did nothing to improve my grade. Yet, it was something that would be impossible for me to do today.
My last move on the mat involved me first doing three forward rolls followed by a dizzy and nauseating spell, followed by, I don’t remember what. Fortunately, I was too sick to see and too dizzy to make sense of anyone’s comments. I got a “C” on my routine, but a “B” for the class.
After my routine, my friend Johnny whispered, “Why didn’t you tell me we had to make up a routine?” That was the only time in his life that he came across as dumber than me.
Johnny started with the high bar and messed up his kip. After his dismount, he looked around at the other equipment, trying to figure out what he might do next. Each time he finished a routine he stopped to ponder his next move. There were several hesitations.
Except for my lucky kip, I was in no way superior to my friend. The only difference was, I didn’t stand there and look around to decide what to do next. Johnny and I both made a “B” in gymnastics. – I think this a good time to tell you that the next year, I took handball, and ended up finishing as the best, having beat every player in the gym. It didn’t impress my brothers, either. Too much competition. Hey, Mom and Dad are gone! Who could we possibly impress?
But, Simone Biles? At the moment, she is where I left here, twirling in the air while nailing movements that no human body is capable of doing. Her team won the best all-around gymnasts, each team member receiving a gold medal. I don’t know how many Biles won overall, but I’m sure that her return-home baggage weight increased significantly.
I feel confident that the U.S. men have a gymnastics team, but I’ve yet to see any men perform. I tried to watch them swim, but it took them too long to approach the diving platform.
By the way, during our senior year, Johnny and I applied to get a lifeguard certificate. I quit on the second night. Johnny was a fish. I merely played the drowning victim that he saved. It was great. I knocked it outta the park.
end
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