A bout of gout

 

Hayter for Aug 25, 2024

“An Unexpected Shot”

You didn’t ask, but last week stunk on ice. Kay already knows about it, and she’s tired of all my whining. That leaves you, my true friend. I suggest you buckle up.

It started with my ankle. It was messing up my weekly handball games with Brad Meyer. I hadn’t twisted my ankle or kicked the door frame at night while blindly stumbling to the restroom. No, it just started hurting, and Kay mentioned it could be gout. During my latest game with Brad, the guy beat me all three games. He keeps telling me that he doesn’t play to win or lose. He only plays to exercise

For a guy who isn’t concerned about winning, he sure expresses anger when he loses a point. And, when he gets off a good shot, he gives me one of those “Oh, yeah, I’m bad!” looks.

    That’s what I was up against during last week’s games. My ankle was killing me, so I couldn’t move around much. All the while Brad is trash-talking me.

            As we were leaving the gym, I told him I wouldn’t be able to play next time because of my ankle. The klutz said, “Your ankle? What’s wrong with it.” The goober hadn’t even noticed my limp. I would’ve kicked him in the rear, but to do it, I would have to put all of my weight on my bad ankle.

            That afternoon, I made an appointment with my doctor. His nurse said I had to get my lab work done first, and see the doctor the week after. When I went for the bloodletting, the nurse did a great job. She found my vein faster than anyone who ever stuck me. I couldn’t understand a word she said, though. She sounded Kurdish. She shook her head and said several words, one of which I recognized as “high”.

            Then she showed me my blood pressure reading.  High was right. That night I got an email from my doctor’s nurse informing me to take my blood pressure multiple times each day until my visit the following week. My ankle issue was taking a back seat to my heart.

            Finally, I returned to the doctor’s office, I waited in line for a nice lady to point me to the far end of the counter where I would fill out some forms. I went in the direction she pointed and couldn’t see any forms. A nice patient sitting nearby told me that there were no forms. I had to write stuff on the computer screen with my finger. I kid you not. It took me 30 minutes to complete the forms. Had I read them, I’d still be there. And I had already given them this information over the phone when I made the appointment.

            I eventually sat back down with the rest of the waiting patients and eventually heard “Mark!” I hurried over to nurse who was propping a door open with her elbow. I followed that lady down three long narrow hallways. When we entered the last room on the left, she said “So, you’ve got kidney stones?”  I told her that I had a history of kidney stones, but none now. She assured me that I did, because it was on the form. She then said, “You are Zxstpyrqte Bukspersky aren’t you?” After telling her my name, she escorted me back to the waiting room, where I immediately heard another lady standing by the computer screen, holler “Mark!” She was holding up my insurance card which she said I had left in the camera box below the computer screen.  Every card I have except for my gym card, had been in that camera box. My health card stuck around, though.

            Eventually my name was called by a younger nurse who was very polite and had a great sense of humor. She looked at her computer screen and asked me some questions, most of which I had the answers to. She said, “Okay, I’m going for the doctor, so don’t touch anything, remove anything, or sing loudly.” She was a hoot.

            When my doctor came in he was as polite as ever. Smart as a whip… or a tack. One of those. He asked about my ankle and I told him that Kay thinks I have gout. Lo-and-behold he assured me that I did. He then looked at my blood pressure chart and told me that it was indeed high, but not life-threatening… yet. He prescribed some pills and told me they were powerful, and that I should take one at night. The pill will cause me to make at least four trips to pee. (It turned out that five trips were needed, but only four taken? Whatta night.)

            After explaining my health issues in near understandable terms, he told me he was going to give me a shot for my gout before I left. He also gave me a prescription for pills in case the gout came back.

            It was a good while later when the nurse stepped in with a vile and a needle. She said, “Which cheek do you want this in.” I told her that the doctor said that HE would give the shot.

            She said, “Well, he meant me. Look, I’ve done this many times, so lower your shorts.” I lowered the right side of my shorts. She inserted the clear liquid whatever into the hypodermic and then said, “Now, how does this thing work?” – I’m telling you, the girl was a hoot.”

            The good news is that all turned out well. My ankle had improved a bunch from the shot. And two days later, my blood pressure was way down. On top of that, I’m playing racquetball tomorrow morning, with Brad. He’s not going to know what hit him. And I’ve got to tell you, his height makes him a big target.

end

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