Tuesday, August 15, 2023

Back to school

Hayter for Aug 13, 2023

School Buds

 

          The past week presented a major change in the lives of millions of people. Oddly enough, it had nothing to do with Taylor Swift. No, I’m referring to the arrival of another school year.

          How many has that been now? I’ve been through 50 back-to-school episodes. Back in the day, there was no pre-school going on. There was kindergarten, but since it wasn’t free the seven Hayter kids never went. Each one of us still came out sharp as dull tacks and reasonably sane. Of course, none of us can color within the lines. I’m the worst. Mrs. Smith, my first-grade teacher told Mom not to expect a great deal from me. Had I not been standing next to Mom at the time, I’m fairly sure she would’ve said, “No duh.” 

 

          During my school years, I actually learned one or more things that are still with me. I learned that Pluto was the ninth planet even though it wasn’t a planet. I learned several things in math, but have only managed to apply a small portion of it. I took Trigonometry in high school and college, yet haven’t had cause to use a “sine” or “co-sine” since.

 

          I did develop a greater appreciation for reading and writing. The teacher that got me interested in writing was my eighth-grade English teacher, Mrs. Wolfe. She once had us make up a story with three characters in it about… anything. The key was, the story had to be described from the view of each of the characters. An assignment to create a story would’ve been tough enough. But, Mrs. Wolfe had to toss a wrench into the whole thing. The woman was acting as if we actually had some sense.

 

          Well, after grading the stories, Mrs. Wolfe read mine to the class. I couldn’t believe it. I thought I had missed the point of the assignment, yet, she said I nailed it. -- Talk about a boost to one’s spirit.

 

          The teacher who got me interested in reading was my ninth-grade English teacher, Mrs. Vlahakas. A lovely lady. Had she not been married to Mr. Vlahakas, I might’ve dated her. Near the end of school that year, Mrs. V. agreed to give us bonus points for memorizing different poems that we had studied throughout the last semester. How many points we got for our recitations was based on the length of each poem.

 

          I don’t remember what my grade was before the extra points but I ended up with a solid “A” after the dust settled. I can still recall  “The Charge of the Light Brigade” by Alfred Lloyd Tennyson; “Forward the Light Brigade, was there a man dismayed? Not that the soldiers knew. Someone had blundered--and so on and so forth.”

 

I only memorized a couple of passages from “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe; “ 'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, 'tapping at my chamber door. Only this and nothing more…'” I didn’t memorize all of The Raven, because that thing could’ve been a book. There were a couple of others, but they were so interesting, that I can’t remember what they were.

 

          It’s weird, but I remember the names of more students from my classes in Junior High than in High school.

 

          I made so many friends throughout my years in Elementary, Junior High, and High School. Throughout my childhood, it was always Dennis and me. But when school started I made a bunch of friends over the years. As I go over the class pictures through elementary I still remember quite a few names.

 

          There were no group pictures taken in Junior High, but each year’s Senior High School Class had a group shot taken. It’s odd how some seniors use the photo op as a chance to act like a jack donkey. Mr. Keller threatened death to anyone who tried it at Pasadena High. The man seemed capable of doing it, too.

 

When the group shot came out, I could’ve named almost half of the 425 students. That’s because we had so many different classes in high school. The photo was taken 56 years ago and is stored somewhere in the closet to my left. If I were to pull it out, I might be able to name 30 students. That has something to do with the functional issues with my brain, something about the photo being taken over five decades ago.  

 

          When I look back on my school days, I realize that the biggest blessing of the entire experience came from all of the friends I made. There is just something about living through the same experiences as others that can bring a closeness, It can also bring you closer to knowledge of who you need to stay away from.

 

          During each new school year, there will be a lot of friendships made. Some kids will meet the person they will eventually marry. They may not know it at the time, but stuff happens. Kay and I were friends while in junior high. We were actually members of a clan of kids that had the same classes throughout both the eighth and ninth grades. It was a school program that, uh… I don’t know what it was supposed to do.

 

          After going through high school and while in college at SFA, I went back to Pasadena one weekend and ran into Kay Cross at the wedding of a couple of old friends of ours. It was the first time I realized how beautiful that girl was and how much I enjoyed talking to her. Three years later, she married me. Really!

 

          Had we not gone to the same junior high, and had the administration at the school not tried out a scheme where a group of kids were in the same classes throughout the eighth and ninth grades… well, I might’ve ended up with some girl from my first-grade class. – A crazy time, the first grade. I’ll probably get over it in the not-too-distant future.

 

end

hayter.mark@gmail.com

Monday, August 7, 2023

We're being spied upon

Hayter for Aug 6, 2023

The Bliss of Ignorance


          I’ve learned so much this last week that I’m reluctant to share it. Some of it is menacing, some spectacular, and all is weird. – So, buckle up.

 

          I) I was in my study researching the life expectancy of a frozen strawberry when Kay walked in and asked me-- something. I can’t remember. But, I do remember that before she left I told her about my regularity. I don’t have any. I haven’t had it for a good while.

 

          Kay said, “Darling, be patient.” Wow! How does she do that? I suddenly felt relaxed and returned to frozen strawberries. You’ll be pleased to know that those buddies are good for 12 months. There are some precautions you may need to take, but I didn’t care to read about ‘em.

 

          This is the point where weird stuff occurred. After the strawberry research, I started getting popup ads on laxatives. I thought it a coincidence at first, but after noticing a half dozen, I searched my study for a hidden microphone. Nothing.

 

          When I told Kay about the situation, she informed me that some websites monitor, not only your computer but also your voice. I thought it strange that she never shared that fact with me. She thought it best to come to my study and make things right. She pulled up Google and visited a couple of places, one of which allowed her to inform Google not to listen to me anymore. She told me that practically all browsers do that.

 

          What?! How did she know that? Did you know that? It’s just one of many reasons I feel it best for me to pass away before Kay does. If I’m the only one left in this house, I’ll start living in the hall closet.

 

          2) The day after I watched the last part of “A Tale of Two Cities” on YouTube, an article appeared on my screen entitled “Death by Guillotine is Not Painful”. Crimenee! All I can assume is that someone had inserted a computer chip into some part of my anatomy. I can’t be the only only one. Can I?

 

I had to admit, though, I was curious about the painless decapitation story. The findings proved to be true to the author’s satisfaction. Unfortunately, the method of testing the level of pain of the victim was not included in the finding. I imagine the person was told to press the button in his hand upon the first indication of discomfort. – “Excuse me, sir. Do I push the button if I feel no pain or don’t f— Whop!” – “Shoot! Bring in the second test subject?”

 

I know, that was too serious a topic to joke around with. So, I think it nice to revisit the last words Charles Dickens's character, Sydney Corton, delivered as he approached the chopping block. -- “It’s a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It’s a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known.” 

 

Those words have always helped me come to grips with the execution of Carton and the young lady who climbed the steps before him. It’s good to finally realize that neither character felt any pain. Possibly.  

 

          3) Do you have any idea how much better off we would be were we squatters instead of sitters? I was pleasantly pleased with my ignorance on the subject until I read something last week that made me feel like a loser for not squatting.

 

First, it’s important to know that squatting is not merely stooping down. A squat involves keeping both feet flat on the floor while lowering your rear down to a couple of inches above the ground. I should be able to comfortably stay in that position for hours.

 

And, if done properly, I can exit the position without using my hands to push against the floor. The proper squatting posture will not only add three years to my life expectancy but will also make the delivery of my child far easier than lying on my back. I imagine several men have wondered about that.

 

There may be plenty of time for most of you to develop an adequate squat. It’s just not in the cards for me.  I couldn’t stand flatfooted with my rear two inches from the floor unless the tendons in both knees were sliced and a broom handle was attached from the end of my spine to the base of my neck. But the rest of you, please, have at it.

 

4) Speaking of eyeballs, most of you realize that a dolphin sleeps with one eye open. I was completely in the dark about that, until recently. Unlike most of us, half of a dolphin’s brain shuts down while it’s asleep. This causes half of its body to shut down. Partway through the nap, the sleeping part of its brain awakens, and the awakened part goes to sleep. Meaning, the closed eye opens and the opened eye closes.

 

Yes, that is odd as can be. But not nearly as weird, as my browser believing that I needed to know about it. It’s true, I’ve never been able to sleep with one eye open. Perhaps, the world wide web is telling me that it’s time to start.   

end

 

hayter.mark@gmail.com