Hayter for Aug 6, 2023
The Bliss of Ignorance
I’ve learned so much this last week that I’m reluctant to share it. Some of it is menacing, some spectacular, and all is weird. – So, buckle up.
I) I was in my study researching the life expectancy of a frozen strawberry when Kay walked in and asked me-- something. I can’t remember. But, I do remember that before she left I told her about my regularity. I don’t have any. I haven’t had it for a good while.
Kay said, “Darling, be patient.” Wow! How does she do that? I suddenly felt relaxed and returned to frozen strawberries. You’ll be pleased to know that those buddies are good for 12 months. There are some precautions you may need to take, but I didn’t care to read about ‘em.
This is the point where weird stuff occurred. After the strawberry research, I started getting popup ads on laxatives. I thought it a coincidence at first, but after noticing a half dozen, I searched my study for a hidden microphone. Nothing.
When I told Kay about the situation, she informed me that some websites monitor, not only your computer but also your voice. I thought it strange that she never shared that fact with me. She thought it best to come to my study and make things right. She pulled up Google and visited a couple of places, one of which allowed her to inform Google not to listen to me anymore. She told me that practically all browsers do that.
What?! How did she know that? Did you know that? It’s just one of many reasons I feel it best for me to pass away before Kay does. If I’m the only one left in this house, I’ll start living in the hall closet.
2) The day after I watched the last part of “A Tale of Two Cities” on YouTube, an article appeared on my screen entitled “Death by Guillotine is Not Painful”. Crimenee! All I can assume is that someone had inserted a computer chip into some part of my anatomy. I can’t be the only only one. Can I?
I had to admit, though, I was curious about the painless decapitation story. The findings proved to be true to the author’s satisfaction. Unfortunately, the method of testing the level of pain of the victim was not included in the finding. I imagine the person was told to press the button in his hand upon the first indication of discomfort. – “Excuse me, sir. Do I push the button if I feel no pain or don’t f— Whop!” – “Shoot! Bring in the second test subject?”
I know, that was too serious a topic to joke around with. So, I think it nice to revisit the last words Charles Dickens's character, Sydney Corton, delivered as he approached the chopping block. -- “It’s a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It’s a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known.”
Those words have always helped me come to grips with the execution of Carton and the young lady who climbed the steps before him. It’s good to finally realize that neither character felt any pain. Possibly.
3) Do you have any idea how much better off we would be were we squatters instead of sitters? I was pleasantly pleased with my ignorance on the subject until I read something last week that made me feel like a loser for not squatting.
First, it’s important to know that squatting is not merely stooping down. A squat involves keeping both feet flat on the floor while lowering your rear down to a couple of inches above the ground. I should be able to comfortably stay in that position for hours.
And, if done properly, I can exit the position without using my hands to push against the floor. The proper squatting posture will not only add three years to my life expectancy but will also make the delivery of my child far easier than lying on my back. I imagine several men have wondered about that.
There may be plenty of time for most of you to develop an adequate squat. It’s just not in the cards for me. I couldn’t stand flatfooted with my rear two inches from the floor unless the tendons in both knees were sliced and a broom handle was attached from the end of my spine to the base of my neck. But the rest of you, please, have at it.
4) Speaking of eyeballs, most of you realize that a dolphin sleeps with one eye open. I was completely in the dark about that, until recently. Unlike most of us, half of a dolphin’s brain shuts down while it’s asleep. This causes half of its body to shut down. Partway through the nap, the sleeping part of its brain awakens, and the awakened part goes to sleep. Meaning, the closed eye opens and the opened eye closes.
Yes, that is odd as can be. But not nearly as weird, as my browser believing that I needed to know about it. It’s true, I’ve never been able to sleep with one eye open. Perhaps, the world wide web is telling me that it’s time to start.
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