Hey, Johnny Yuma WAS a rebel

MARK’S ARTICLE – May 19, 2010

"In need of TV theme songs"

One of my favorite TV theme songs goes something like this: (Are you ready?) "Texas John Slaughter made ‘em do what they oughtter, ‘cause if they didn’t they died. Oooooh, yeaaaah." I added that last part. Oooh, yeaaah. Cool.

A theme song like that wouldn’t make it on TV today. Oh, it might fit right into a Rick Perry commercial, but not on a TV series. There are no personal theme songs for programs produced nowadays. -- "South Park." I just thought of one. But, there are no others, so quit trying to think of any.

The less old among us are really missing out on a major music genre. Genre? Music thing. Back in the day, some of the most memorable music came at the beginning and end of TV shows. Take Westerns. "Sugarfoot, Sugarfoot, easy loping cattle roping, Sugarfoot." How about, "…he was panther quick and leather tough if he figured that he’d been pushed enough, the Rebel. Johnny Yuma was the Rebel…"

"Wyatt Earp, Wyatt Earp, brave courageous and bold. Long live his fame and long live his glory and long may his story be told." Next to "Have Gun Will Travel," the greatest theme song in Westerndom has the unforgettable line "Ride ‘em in, ride ‘em out, let ‘em in, let ‘em out, RAWHIDE! Heeyah!" A second? I always get misty-eyed when I sing that one. Okay, I’m better.

If time permitted, I’d sing you some of the non-Western theme songs. Stuff like, "Na, na, na, na. Na, na, na, na. Batman" and "I married Joan. Whatta girl, whatta world, whatta life!" But, there’s just no time for "Maude", "The Jetsons", "Mr. Ed", "Gilligan’s Island"…

There are dozens, maybe a bazillion near forgotten theme songs. And, no one is adding to ‘em… until now. Yes, theme song fans, you’re getting ready to hear some songs that would be perfect for some of today’s shows? -- Oh, yes you are. Hey, I don’t wanna hear it. I’m driving this team of mules, so you just sit there and listen.

The first song is for a show I’ve seen twice. Have trouble with the anatomy lessons. The song goes like this: "CSI, CSI, watch the bullet go in the eye, through the pancreas and out the thigh. We’re CSI! Ooooh, yeaaah." If that doesn’t make you wanna tune in, nothing will.

Try this one on for size: "Someone’s making fun of a guy who’s dead, and DiNozzo’s getting slapped on the back of the head. Few have heard of the organization, but law officers let ‘em handle all situations. They’re simply the best! They’re N C I S! Ooooh, yeaaah." See how an "oh, yeah" can work its way into every song. Maybe not "Chariots of Fire."

Sung to the tune of "On top of Ol’ Smokey" we have -- "Women think he’s hot and guys do too. He knows when you’re lyin’, and he’ll make you look stu……pid. He remembers everything, doesn’t need any list. This guy is super cool, he’s The Mentalist."

To the tune of Springsteen’s "Born in the U.S.A." we have, "Land him on a mountain, or the middle of the sea, he’ll survive if he has to drink his own pee. He’s the Survivor Man, he’s the Survivor Maaan now…"

I’m manly as all get out. You know that. So, I’m not ashamed to say that I like "Glee." Not real ashamed. Regardless, I’ve come up with a Glee song that is to be sung to the tune of "Ina Gadda Da Vida."
It starts out: "High school kids singing some pretty raunchy songs. Super talented group, but they’d get expelled for real long… uh, in most real school districts, oh baby."

Kay and I make it a point to watch "Castle." She likes Rick Castle and I like his mother. At least I did during my college days. Forget that. Sung to the tune of any rap song, we have "Rick’s a writer and Beckett’s a cop. They can’t get together or it’ll ruin the plot… suckah. I say kill that suckah! Make him dead till his eyes run red…" I’m sorry, I always get carried away while rapping.

And, to the tune of "Brown eyed Girl" we have -- "She’s got ten high ranking cops solving just one crime. She’s got a fake Southern accent that’ll really grates on your mind. She’s Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson, and she takes no guff. That’s why it’s way stupid when suspects don’t lawyer up. The Closer. Oooh, yes, she’s the Closer."

Kay could qualify as president of the Dog Whisperer fan club. Hey, she may be, for all I know. Sung to the tune of "Somewhere over the rainbow." This song is for her. "Sometimes your dog will bite someone, even when you say it won’t. But Cesar Milan will make it stop, even if it’s as big as a pon…eee. He says, Psst! Stop that now. He say, Psst, I’m in charge heyah. The pack leader man, yes sir, he’s the Dog Whisperer. Ooooh, yeaaah."

Somebody stop me, okay? One more? No, seriously, let’s end this. Tell you what do. See my e-mail address down there? Come up with a theme song for a current show, send it to me and I’ll post it in my column. Maybe Assuming I get enough. If you never hear of this again, I didn’t… Oooooh, yeaaah! – Thank you. Thank you, everyone. -- Next time.



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