MARK’S ARTICLE – May 22, 2010
To tuck or not

If I were invited to an event where I needed to look nice, I couldn’t attend. I can only go places where little is expected in the way of appearance.

I know what some of you are thinking. “Oh Mark, you’re being way too hard on yourself.” Maybe two of you are thinking that. But, I’ve looked in the mirror, and I’m telling you that the reverse image of me is not looking so good. I fear I’ve become the man I always feared I’d become.

I looked pretty good in my thirties, mid-forties. I’ve got a picture around here somewhere. Let’s see… oh, just take my word. Now I’m 60 and I look like people I used to make fun of. I’ve told so many friends to shoot me when I look like this that I’m halfway scared to be seen in public. -- “Officer, just look at his shorts and socks and that hair in his ears. He forced me to do it.”

I saw a guy in Kroger a week or so back. He was a bit older than I, but looked so cool. He was wearing knee-length plaid shorts, a T- shirt (untucked), and sandals with no socks. And, get this -- hair! Gray hair… and all over his head! Life fair? I don’t think so.

I told the cool haired guy that I hadn’t looked as good as he did in my whole life. He said, “Oh, I know better than that.” He doesn’t.

I feel so self-conscious wearing shorts in public. I don’t understand how long or how baggy they’re supposed to be. Michael Jordan ruined shorts for me. He came out with long baggy shorts and everyone had to have ‘em. If I wear something baggy, it accentuates my skinny legs. Shorts that are knee-length make me look like the guy that my friends are supposed to shoot.

And, speaking of shirts, let’s. I can certainly understand the popularity of the untucked shirt look. It not only camouflages your gut, but it creates the illusion that your pants may just be riding horizontally at the waist. They’re not, and they don’t and won’t! So, shoot me!

Fortunately, Kay tells me that I still have a butt. When you’ve got the slanted-waist-with-no-butt look, it’s time to rent movies by mail. My worry is that Kay may just be trying to make me feel good. She wouldn’t would she? Look at this? Tell me if I have a butt. I do, don’t I? Don’t I? Oh, boy.

When I walk around with my shirt untucked, I feel so sloppy. So, before going out I have to figure out which looks worse, the pants slanted at the waist or the sloppy untucked look. I’m sure some university is doing a study at this very moment.

Kay and I went to the mall last weekend. I forget what she was looking for. Me, I sat down on one of the benches at started looking at men. I don’t do that nearly enough. I’ll bet you only 20 percent of the men I saw were wearing socks.

How do they do it? If I go sockless, my feet feel all… unsocked. And, they get rubbed in weird places. No shoe rubs the same. Einstein proved that back in ’32. That’s why I can’t wear sandals. Sandals are cool as all get out. But, I have to wear socks with mine. Those straps don’t feel good on the top of my feet.

And flip flops! You put something between my toes and then make me scoot my feet to keep the sandal on and I’ll… well I’ll get arrested for silly walk. It’s only a Class C misdemeanor, but sheesh. Just shoot me.

So, I can’t wear sandals. Especially not around Big Al. Last time I tried, he told me that Nerd City called and I was late for the Mayor’s meeting.

Speaking of Big Al, that guy looks good all the time. And, he doesn’t even buy his own clothes. Marlena does all his shopping. She brings home a load of stuff and Al sorts through it. “Take this back, this back, and… oh, I’ll keep the shoes.”

Kay won’t do that for me. Oh, she’d try it once just to teach me a lesson. On my first day out after Kay’s pickings, Big Al would say, “Mark, paint your nose red, get yourself a horn, and kids will come up and ask you to make ‘em balloon hats.”

I can’t get too upset with Kay. A couple of days ago she showed me a page from one of her magazines that made me feel a little better. It was a set of pictures of movie stars… as they look today. Each of them was shirtless. I can’t remember all of ‘em, but I do remember Alec Baldwin, Russell Crowe and Clint Eastwood. The stuff their tucked or not shirts are hiding is scary.

And, while I hate to run down one of my on-screen heroes, I’ve got to say that Clint Eastwood doesn’t have a butt. Not the hint of one. I’d like you to take a look at him and then look over here at me. See? See that? There’s something back there. No, I’m askin’.

END