Lookin' bad

“Fashion sense”

I have no fashion sense. I know you think I’m just messing with you, but it’s true. I’ve got remarkable common sense, a fair sense of smell and a decent sense of humor. Sense of fashion? Zero… teetering on negative-sense.

My fashion frailty is particularly noticeable… well, now. See my picture over yonder? If you could see more than my nose and eyes, you would notice that what I’m wearing is not working for me. I can get away with it in the winter, because I throw on a jacket and cover up stuff. Winter is good.

But, now, I’m out there. Nothing to hide behind. My shorts look stupid, my shirt is all wrong, and I don’t care for you to even look at my feet.

I keep telling myself to notice what other guys are wearing. But, when I’m out in public I can’t remember to notice. That may be healthy, but it’s not helpful. I don’t even notice what Kay is wearing when we’re out somewhere.

If we got separated I not only wouldn’t know what color of blouse to look for, I’d have trouble recognizing her hair style. It irks me no end to watch one of those police shows where a guy spends 30 minutes with an artist and nails the look of a perpetrator after seeing the guy for two seconds.

It’d take me at least four hours to come up with a composite of one of my brothers. If a guy who robbed a bank, stared at me for ten seconds and then ran off? Forget about it. – “Mr. Hayter, besides being a white guy, what else can you tell us? What about his nose?” – “Nose? Yes, I’m pretty sure he had one. Fairly sure.”

Since I can’t remember to study what other guys are wearing, I’ve been forced to use the Internet. Some of what I found is conflicting. One article recommended I get a real tight fitting pair of jeans. Something like Dwight Yoakam wears. I don’t know how he pulls that off. Literally. I don’t know how Dwight gets out of his pants. No matter, according to a couple of sources, that’s the recommended style. One of ‘em, anyway.

Another fashion designer person says that flared pant legs are coming back. It looked okay on the guys in the pictures, but the style would be laughable on me. Not the tight jeans, though. I’d rock in those.

The good news is that guys wearing pants down around their knees is out. No longer in fashion. I’m not sure everyone has gotten the news. I think it’ll take me to put the nail in that coffin. Take a picture of me wearing baggy jeans around my knees and put it on the Internet. That oughtta do it. – “Okay, everybody get a load of this guy. You know what that means? It means it’s time to end this nonsense. Let’s go buy some belts.”

Truth is, I don’t wear jeans all that much in the spring and summer. I’m into shorts. The wrong kind of shorts. The guys in the fashion magazines wear baggy shorts, with huge puffy pockets and long drawsrtings… and they look cool. Baggy, tight, long, short… None of those are my look. So, I’ve been told.

Mostly Brad is the one telling me. You know, Brad Meyer the restaurant critic? We’ve been hanging out ‘cause we do video reviews together. And practically every time we shoot a review he finds something wrong with what I’m wearing. “The Red Skelton look? Not working. Please tell me you brought something else.”

You’d think that somebody who knows so much about fashion would look better than he does. It’s akin to a football coach who never played football. I don’t know how he does it.

By the way, black is in. I really don’t remember it ever going out, but it’s in big now. From what I’ve seen, the best thing a guy can do is just get a picture of Justin Bieber and try to match it. The kid is, what, eight-years-old, and he establishes the fashion trend. Who lets him do that?

Oh, and do you know what they’ve done with men’s suits this year? Nothing. Nothing I can tell. The only difference is in the ties. My tie either needs to be a solid color or striped. Anything else is old hat. Which, by the way, is in.

Oh, and it’s okay to wear a sports jacket with shorts. And, go ahead and push the sleeves up to your elbow. Unless you’re Mark, you’ll look cool as all get out.

And shirts? All I know is don’t tuck it in. Oh, and don’t wear a V-neck T-shirt. V-necks are a sign of something. I don’t know what, but it’s something you don’t want. If you wear a V-neck T-shirt and tuck it in, people will throw things.

And shoes? I’m lost here. I realize that socks were condemned as early as ’94. Socks may be comfortable and prevent chaffing, but they’re all wrong. Don’t wear ‘em. Wear sandals. I don’t care where you’re going or what you’re doing, sandals are your footwear of preference. A Pittsburgh molten metal pourer? Sandals.

I bought a pair of sandals last year. Expensive they were. The first thing Big Al said when he saw me wearing ‘em was, “Those look really good on you, Alice.” I can’t even buy the right sandals. And, yes, without socks they rub a blister on the side of my right foot. Fashion is a bear.

What I did discover during my research is the look for the less young. That’d be me. I should wear no bright colors, and nothing with patterns. Just keep it simple. If no one notices me, I’m lookin’ good. I got that from a helpful, but hurtful article.

No matter what I do, I sense people will notice that I’m a fashion ninny. Did you know that you’re supposed to wear your pants two-finger widths below your belly button? Well, you are. That’s where my pants are in the front. In the back, they ride about a hand-width higher. I have no idea what they’re riding on. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one with this problem.

Nothing I can do. Just live for winter. That’s when I just bundle. I like winter.

END
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