Looking to make an emotional recovery

“On the road to contentment?”

Okay, don’t any of you get too close to me today. If you see my eyes turn green and emit a light, you’d best go out and play somewhere, ‘cause I’m about to turn into the incredible hunk.

And, let me tell you, my pants aren’t near stretchy enough to handle the transition. That’s why I recommend you leave.

The few times I’ve succumbed to hunkness are pretty much a blur for me. Kay tells me what I did after the fact. “Hey, what happened back there?” she’ll ask. “So the lady was taking up the entire aisle. That was no call for you to try to put those egg noodles in her cart?” – “Did I do that? I have no recollection.”

Yes, I must confess, calm I’m not. It’s just a messed up day. Change back it will. It usually does. As soon as I lose my Yoda-speak, better you’ll know I am.

I have every hope for a near immediate attitude improvement, thanks to local author and columnist Cathy Messecar. I’ve been reading her latest book “A Still Quiet Soul: Embracing Contentment” from Leafwood Publishers. Just reading the title is encouraging as all get out. Contentment, still and quiet. You throw “nap” in there and you’ve got four of the best words in the world.

Right now I’m on page 82 of Messecar’s book. I skimmed over the testimonial I wrote for the book. Cathy asked a few local writers to offer some comments, and I was one of the asked. Hey, I can’t believe it either. Fortunately Messecar doesn’t follow me to the grocery store or wait with me in lines. Still and quiet? Foreign words they be. At times.

In defense of me and my bad mood, let me tell you what’s been goin’ on around here. Remember my golf clubs? You know the green bag? You don’t? Well, that’s because I haven’t swung a club in over five years.

So, what does Kay do? She gives my clubs away, bag and all, for a garage sale fundraiser. “Hey, Kay, what happened to my clubs?” – “Oh, did you still want those?”

I can't take a picture of the actual golfbag... Kay gave it away. Remember?

She didn’t even check the pockets. Do you know what people leave in the pockets of their golf bags? I sure don’t! Mine are gone! Didn’t I just tell you that?

I doubt I would have ever had occasion to play another round of golf, but I enjoyed the thought that I could if I wanted. Now I can’t. It’s similar to when Richard Boone died. I doubted they’d ever shoot another “Have Gun Will Travel” episode, but I was content with the notion that there was a possibility. That possibility died back in ’81. I’m still in mourning.

But, forget Paladin. Paladin? Have Gun Will-- Sheesh! Anyway, Jill called today to ask me what her phone number at work was. (Long story. I even got lost in it.) I told Jill that the phone number was not a priority with me. Told her that Kay gave away my golf clubs.

Jill asked if I was talking about the clubs in the corner of the guestroom. She said she thought they were for a girl. Thought they were Kay’s clubs. They didn’t look manly at all. Said it right to my right ear. Insinuated effeminate I was.

I gave Jill her phone number and then told her I couldn’t talk anymore. My own sister.

I instantly ran upstairs to tell you the horror of the missing golf clubs, and discovered that my computer had died. I’ve got the important stuff backed up, but I don’t know how to get the backup to feed my computer and make it well.

Kay says she can do it, but it’ll take her awhile. She told me to go ahead and use her computer for my article. That’s what I’m doing right now. I’m using a different computer with different icons and keys that I’m not used to. They don’t even sound normal. No pluck, pluck with these things. Listen to this. -- Blop, blop, blop. Does that sound right to you?

Life is messing with me. Earlier this morning I went to get my eyeglass frames adjusted, and asked Charity, the eye lady, to look at my recent prescription to see how much it’d changed.

She compared my last two test results and said, “Wow.” That’s usually not good. She asked if I had been pushing my glasses up to see better at a distance. Told me she imagined I couldn’t see the computer screen as well either. “You have to use readers now for the screen don’t you?” Charity is physique.

She said a bunch of other stuff that resulted in me handing her a credit card for new lenses. My current glasses are only 15 months old. Cost me over $500 with all the bells and whistles. So, I go in to have my frames adjusted for free and end having to spend a 300+ bucks for new lenses.

Cataracts. That’s what the doctor told me. Not serious enough for surgery, but enough to mess with my vision. Cataracts at my young age. Improbable it be.

There are a few other things messing with me, but I’m outta patience and outta time. I’d best get back to reading about embracing contentment.

Just a few minutes ago I was this close to being the Incredible Hunk. This close. (You can’t see, but my fingers are almost touching.) I need to read more about being still and quiet.

By the way, I sense that several of you could really use Messecar’s book. Some of you already threw your paper down. You need to chill, like me. See?

Oh, and if you can’t find Messecar’s book in the bookstore, you need to ask ‘em to order it for you or for your Bible class. Or, you can Google Cathy Messecar and she’ll let you know where you can lay your hands on one… or 20.

By the way, one thing you won’t find on Cathy’s webpage is any mention that she’s probably, next to Kay, the sweetest person in the county. Had any of her acquaintances had a part in constructing her Website that would’ve been mentioned.

Not the Kay part. I threw that in. Kay is sweet as she can be. Just sometimes uses poor judgement on Mark things. Away throws golf clubs, she does.


END

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