What's bad for you -- at the moment

Or not

Enough already!

    The next person who tells me that something is bad for me is going to get a really mean look. I’m tired of it. Who isn’t?

    Coconut oil? Remember how the theatres quit using it to pop their corn, ‘cause it was supposed to kill you? We were told that coconut oil contained the worst fat there is… next to yak fat. That’s supposed to be really bad. I imagine.

    So, practically overnight, popcorn, as I knew it, became dead to me. I once smuggled some string cheese and pretzels into the theatre. Ruined the whole movie for me.

    Now they find out that coconut oil is actually good for you. I’m not making this up. The fat in coconut oil has magically become wonderful stuff.  Dr. Oz says we should eat it right out of the carton. The stuff looks like Crisco, yet people are eating it with a spoon. It’s supposed to cleanse your body. Cleanse something. I don’t know. Kay’s the one who watched the Oz episode. The guy drives me nuts.

    So that which was bad, has now become good. And that, dear friend, is why a mean look will befall the next person who tells me something is bad for me. I’ve had it with this kind of nonsense.

    That having been said, I’ve given up artificial sweeteners. Been off ‘em for about two weeks now. It was the doctor named Oz that did it to me. What a meddler! I’ve been told forever that artificial sweeteners were bad. Some of the evidence came from the mere taste of Tab. The other from tests done on rats.

Rats that were fed twice their body weight of saccharin developed diarrhea and constipation on alternate days, plus a fear of toast. (Novi Iskar University, Bulgaria. 1973) Other studies were done, but this is the one most published.

I paid little attention to the studies, ‘cause I never cared for artificial sweeteners. Diet drinks taste like sweetened bark juice. Regardless of the brand. And, don’t get me started on artificial sweetened syrup. It’s terrible. You can’t even get it to stick on stuff. The minute you pour it on a stack of pancakes, it runs off, apparently seeking the lowest level.

The only use I have for artificial sweeteners is for my coffee. An envelope of Sweet ‘n Low adds a slight sharp taste to my first quart of coffee. I like slight sharp. I don’t get it with sugar, Splenda, Stevia, or Sillicakes. (I made that last one up.)

I was pleased as naturally sweetened punch with Sweet ‘n Low, until Kay came in and told me what Oz said. I really don’t like Oz.

Oz actually gave a reason that artificial sweeteners are bad for us. It was a reason that actually resonated with me. Oz said that artificial sweeteners are not natural. They’re artificial. Get it? As such, your body doesn’t know what to do with ‘em.

Your body parts may not speak to you, but mine do. I’ve only recently been able to figure out what’s going on in there. Once Sweet ‘n Low hits my stomach, the conversation goes something like this. – “Oh no. More of this artificial #@!+. Pardon my French. Anybody figured out what it is? Anybody? Okay, I’m sending it right to the spleen. Anybody figured out what the spleen does? Anybody?”

One thing that ultimately happens to artificial sweeteners is that they end up in your bladder. The bladder hates the stuff. Remember? It’s unnatural. Eventually, your bladder goes ape crud. Does a number on you. I know this, because since my Sweet ‘n Low withdrawal, I’ve been able to sleep all night without having to stagger to the restroom. It’s a miracle.

Of course, my coffee has lost its slight sharpness, but I’ve almost adapted. I use real sugar now. Sugar is natural, so my body knows what to do with it. I don’t like what it does with it, but at least it knows what it’s doing.

Bottom line, I may end up eating a cup of coconut oil every morning to try to clear everything out. I’d better decide on that quick, before Oz changes his mind about the benefits of the stuff. I tell you, the guy drives me nuts.

end


You can reach Mark at mark@rooftopwriter.com