How to

“Close Encounter”

 

    My La-Z-Boy rocker/recliner makes noises that have been used in many Sci-Fi movies. Each time I lean back, you’d think the giant flying saucer from Close Encounters was hovering above the house. Kay has the identical recliner in a different color, but she got the quiet model. I had no idea they had different noise settings.

    Some of the parts of my La-Z-Boy have a life-time warranty. I’m assuming it covers the parts that don’t make noise. It matters not. I am not the kind of guy who adheres to all of the specifications necessary to validate a life-time warranty. -- “Have you ever changed a light bulb while standing in your La-Z-Boy? Did you ever try to do a handstand while the chair was rocking?

    Expecting no help from Lazy-Boy, I went to YouTube. I keyed in “Squeaking Lazy-Boy rocker/recliner.” Voila! (Pronounced Wall-Ah by children and Mark.) One YouTuber told me to locate wing nuts on the chair’s left and right undercarriage. Tighten the nuts a half a turn.

    Easily done. I sat back down and – It worked! It worked! – It stopped working! I shoved that buddy over and tightened 'em even more. Still nothing. I tightened  one and loosened the other. No help. I’m fairly sure all of the tightening and loosing further negated my warranty.

    Another YouTuber told me to upend the chair and spray every metal part with WD-40. I did that. And, it worked! For three minutes. Neither the wing nut guy, nor the oil guy had a Plan B. I kept looking. 

    One person cautioned against using WD-40. He said the stuff got on his dog, his rug and his chair. Unfortuntley, he owned no cats. One YouTube helper said that WD-40 when applied to gears and stuff will eventually leave a coating of grunge that can actually acerbate the problem… and who likes acerbation?

    One guy said the problem could be solved with a treatment called Leather Vital.  He said the sound was caused by the leather chair making poo poo noises when I sit down. I don’t buy leather or faux leather recliners. You know why? They make poo poo noises. My fabric chair was making “alien invasion” noises. Not the same.

    So the Internet was no help with the chair. None whatsoever… up until this morning. When I tried it this morning, the squeak was gone. It came back just awhile ago, so I coated the chair and rug the chair and rug with real oil. The 3-in-One stuff. I'm sure to have a success story on which to report later. Reasonably sure. Slightly sure. I'm void of confidence.

    But, let’s put that aside so I can ask a rather personal question. Have you ever had issues with your toilet? If not, you’re still a using a hole in the ground. The homes built in our subdivision each come with Eco-Friendly toilets that use the same amount of water as a cappuccino maker. A dead cricket will clog my toilet. 

   

    A lady on YouTube showed me how to unclog a toilet using a quarter cup of dishwashing liquid and boiling water. It actually does work on some clogs, but I was actually looking for a solution that would PREVENT clogs. I found it. The solution is probably against the law, so I refuse to go into much detail. Let me just say that, the solution requires more water in the tank. You can trick the tank into taking on more water, by messing with the intimidating flushing tower. The towers are designed to scare you, but don’t let ‘em. Oh, and when you flush, hold the handle down longer. Know what I’m sayin’? – By the way, if you have kids, forget everything I’ve said,. I don't care what you do, kids are going to clog your toilets. 

    

    Sidebar: The next time you’re in the McKenzie’s BBQ over on Frazier in Conroe, go to the Men’s Room and flush the toilet. McKenzie’s has the most powerful flusher in the Western Hemisphere. If they had McKenzie toilets on cruise ships, the captain would be unable to maintain a steady course. I don’t normally commiserate with others while in men’s room, but after hearing that toilet flush, I had to bump fists with the guy next to me at the sink.

    As you can see my success rate is 500. -- Just a second. Let me go check my recliner. Maybe the 3-in-One did the trick.  Back in a flash. --  I was right the first time. I'm batting 500. 

   Still, I have so much appreciation for people in this country who selflessly try to help one another. I would like to thank the masked man on YouTube who showed me how to fix my toilets. I would also like to thank those who urged the use of oil to stop the squeak in my recliner. You didn't help, but it was nice of you to care enough to try. Regardless, the chair still makes a noise, and Kay read me the riot act after discovering all the oil on the rug. 

   My response: "So, do you want change chairs?"

end

Mark can be contacted at hayter.mark@gmail.com. An archive of Hayter’s articles can be found at http://markhayterscolumn.blogspot.com