“Bad Today, Good Tomorrow”
Last week, Jill told me that she’s been putting butter in her
coffee. How do you react to something like that? No, seriously, I want to know how you react.
What added to the puzzlement of Jill’s statement was the fact that she said it very matter-of-factly. -- Jill: I’ve been putting butter in my coffee. So, I got new curtains yesterday. They’re yellowish-orange. Me: What! Jill: Yellowish-orange. Mark: I don’t give a pound of dill weed, about your curtains! What was that about buttering up your coffee?
Jill said that butter brings out the flavor in coffee and makes it less bitter. And since butter is now good for you, she uses it in her coffee instead of sugar. I didn’t want to tell her that, next year, sugar will be the new kale. (This year it was determined that raw kale can damage your thyroid. It usually takes about a decade for foods to recover from bad press.)
I’ve pretty well had it with people coming up with “new” findings about food. Stuff that used to be bad for us is now good. And what used to be good for us is now eating holes in our colons. Some of it is even giving us Alzheimer’s. Which reminds me, Jill said that butter actually helps you think. You wanna know what I think?
It wasn’t that long ago that the margarine industry was created to save us from dying from butter consumption. Now we’re told that the oils used in making margarine were killing us, and the butter that was killing us was actually helping us… to the point that it jump starts our brain.
Immediately after hanging up on my sister, I made some coffee and tossed in a pad of butter. I was flabbergasted at how long it took a small pad of room-temperature butter to dissolve in a cup of hot coffee. No way did I want a glob of butter to sneak into my mouth. Eventually, I took a sip of the concoction and, son-of-a-gun, I discovered that butter can in no way replace sugar in coffee. It’s as practical as replacing the sugar in a cake mix with black olives.
To be honest, the butter didn’t do much for my coffee. It wasn’t worse, but I didn’t considerate it an improvement. One thing it did do was give my empty coffee mug a greasy sheen.
By the way, I did a little research before you got here and found out that the people who recommend we put butter in our coffee say that you must use only grass-fed butter. Crazy me didn’t even realize that butter had to eat. You can discover the weirdest things through research.
My internet investigation also led me to HEB. Mr. Butts sells Ladybird Butter Coffee Bombs. The bombs are made with grass-fed butter, coconut oil, spices and hemp protein. I think it’s the hemp that gave Ladybird the idea to put “bomb” in the name. Six coffee bombs sell for $10. My Duncan Donut Keurig cups cost me 56 cents apiece. (At Sam’s) If I put a single butter bomb in each cup of coffee, my coffee consumption would cost me $335 a month.
I will not give up coffee, because three to five cups a day is good for me. The research has yet to determine what a combination of butter, coconut oil, “spices” and hemp protein does to your body. It might make me more creative. But, I can’t afford the cost of creativity. Coffee, I’m good with.
Another thing: We must only buy butter that was made with milk from cows that ate grass and not grain. Grain is now bad for us. For one thing, it makes us dumber by the day. And, it makes our digestive system go border-wall crazy on us.
Right now wheat, rice and corn have a major PR problem. It took humanity 10,000 years to discover that eating grain is bad for you. One way scientists came to this discovery was from research that showed that ancient people had soft bones, and few of them were overweight. Since many of the ancients ate a lot of bread, and bread is made from grain, “ergo proctor hoc” grain is bad for the human body.
Other findings show that bacon isn’t bad for you as long as you don’t pig out. Nuts are good in moderation. I’ll have you know that according to my nut jar, a serving of cashews is 16 nuts. I’m fairly sure that would be moderation for a wren.
Did you know that if you had to choose between a bowl of oatmeal and a baked potato, you’d be better off with the potato? That’s the new finding. Ergo, if you put both butter and hemp on your potato, you’ll become a brilliant philosopher to other bake potato eaters.
Although some really smart people have proof to back up these “facts,” I have trouble believing them. Regardless, it doesn’t matter, because the findings will all be reversed in a couple of weeks. I have it on pretty good authority that next year it will be determined that pumpkin spice causes warts. Every bread, beverage and Bundt cake industry will be brought to its knees. Right now, pumpkins have the best PR of any fruit or vegetable. Possible exception of the cranberry.
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