Mark Hayter's Column: Artwork for book

October 20, 2019

“Joe Kolb has really stepped in it now”

I am known to myself as a writer with a veritable bucket full of writing ideas, each of which could bring home some serious scratch. You know, money, moola, cabbage, wampum, simoleons? You

get the picture.

Unfortunately, each of my projects requires help from someone who has a talent that I’m woefully without. It’s been my experience that people with talent need to be paid for their services. Unfortunately, I don’t have money to pay for artwork. Kay knows that better than I do.

Not 30 minutes ago, I heard a scream from the living room. -- I take that back. Kay can’t scream. -- I heard a loud noise that came from Kay’s mouth. Turns out, I had given the girl the wrong lid for her insulated mug, so she ended up spilling hot tea in her lap. I joked that she ought to sue me. She said, “I would if you had any money.” I can’t be certain she was joking.

Believe me, this is leading somewhere. And, that “somewhere” happens to be a book of Christmas short stories that I’ve been working on since early spring. My idea was to select ten of my short stories from a collection published in The COURIER and The VILLAGER over the past few decades and create a storybook of Christmas stories. Which immediately raised the question, “Why would anyone consider purchasing a book of Christmas tales if it didn’t have any pictures in it?” I wouldn’t.

The problem is, I can’t draw worth snot. I mean “a lick.” I can’t draw worth a lick. (I’m doing all that is in my power to steer away from using over-ripe idioms. I fear I may need to search for a non-gagging term.)

I hate to ask one of my two artist friends to help me out. Both would’ve done a super job, had I asked, but I can’t afford to use up friends. That’s why I immediately thought of graphic designer and photographer, Brad Meyer. Bradford is the only friend I have who actually owes me. Not only did he make me hurt my shoulder while playing racquetball, but I once helped him move a 10-ton outdoor fire pit. So, yes, he owes me. Not that friends keep count of favors, you understand?

After I told Bradfordson that I needed him to work on some computer graphics for my proposed Christmas book. He immediately suggested I call Joe Kolb? “Who’s Joe Kolb?” I asked. And that’s when it hit me. “Bonk!” I didn’t know Kolb, so he wasn’t a friend. It’s impossible to lose a friend who isn’t one. I’ve got a brain like a locked freezer.

So, I called Joe, and he didn’t know me from snot. Uh, from Adam. I explained what I needed from him, and asked that he not turn me down until he read a couple of my stories. Well, he did and he liked ‘em. Said he’d be proud to do the illustrating. It was then that I told him that he would be working on consignment. We’d only get paid if the book sold. That didn’t faze him.

I didn’t know it at the time, but Joe does not lack for projects. He is an artist by profession. He has won first place national and international awards in practically every area of art there is. He can create technical and architectural illustrations, conceptual designs, indoor and outdoor wall murals, as well as a lot of other stuff that I don’t understand. Someone could hand Kolb an old baseball glove that their grandpa used, and ask that he turn it into a piece of three-dimensional art. With that little bit of instruction, Kolb would create something spectacular. Upon revealing the piece, he would have the family in tears.

I arranged a meeting with Joe at my house. As soon as he saw me, he remembered how he knew me. Joe used to sit at an outdoor table at a coffee shop next to the Lonestar Community Radio Station in downtown Conroe. When Cindy Cochran and I had our radio program, Joe would be sitting at the table drinking coffee and discussing the lure of life with a friend. Before entering the studio, I generally stopped and chatted awhile with the both of them. I couldn’t pick his friend out of a lineup, but I did remember Joe.

From then on we agreed to carry on our business at Panera Bread in Conroe. It was there that I discussed a particular scene from one of the short stories, in the hope that he would draw something resembling the occasion. I wanted one illustration per story. I also needed an illustration for the book cover. As I described my idea for the first drawing, Joe grabbed a napkin and started sketching something. After a few seconds, he showed it to me and said, “How about something like this?” Hokey smokes, that man was good.

After several meetings and hours upon hours of artistic design, Joe presented me with a complete collection of spectacular watercolored paintings. Had he been my friend from the get-go, I would’ve never asked him to go to so much trouble. Get this. He said he enjoyed it.

Sheesh. Do you see what’s happened here? Joe Kolb has become a friend, and unless the book sells, I won’t be able to use him anymore. -- Way to go Bradford.