Hayter’s article for April 24, 2022

“The proper way to ruin a relationship”

            I can remember sitting with Kay at a table in Wyatts or Luby’s years back and noticing how old couples would eat and not say a word to one another. They’d just quietly sit there and nibble at their food. It depressed the daylights out of me.

          I nodded toward the old couple and asked Kay if that was going to be us one day. I don’t remember her exact words, but they were something like, “I can’t imagine you ever being that quiet and eat that slow.”

We’re bound to be at the age of that old couple, but we still continue to talk while eating out and driving to town and while I’m trying to watch TV. I tend to field more questions than I drop. The problem with Kay is that she comes up with the weirdest questions. -- “Would you eat a meerkat?” -- If that’s not a trap, I don’t what is. I pick up the remote and mute the TV.  “Hmm, sure. If it was deep-fried, I might eat a meerkat.” --  “How could you?” she said. “They’re so cute! Here, look at this picture I pulled up.” That’s when I turn off the TV.

            My problem is that I’m seldom prepared for Kay’s weird stuff. Don’t get me wrong, I know a bunch of weird stuff, just not the right kind. But, fear not! That’s gonna change. You see, later in the week, I’m gonna take Kay out to eat at some buffet restaurant. I’m thinking Chinese. Anyway, we’ll be sitting there enjoying our food. All of a sudden, I’m gonna say, “Have you ever noticed how people don’t talk much while eating at a buffet?”

            That will bowl her right over. I’ll explain to  her that people can’t spend time talking, because there may not be any fried chicken wings left. Then they’ll have to try some of that fake crab. Not only that, but people at a buffet always want you to try something they selected. Kay does, anyway. She’ll wave something attached to three fork tines in front of my face.  – “Here, you wanna try this? Try it!” -- “No thank you, darling. I didn’t like it the first time I saw it.”

            I’ll also mention how the Chinese are no good with desserts, but they’re great at math and physics. I like to remind her of how intelligent I can sound.

            Wait a minute. I just thought of another thing I can spring on Kay. You see, two days ago I opened the lid to the kitchen garbage can and tossed in some salad scraps and a fork and spoon. I was two steps past the garbage when I felt a lightness of the mind. So, I visited my last move and remembered the knife and spoon. Or, the fork and knife. One of those. Son of gun, I had tossed them into the garbage with the scraps.

            Here’s the deal. I’m going to mention that to Kay before asking, “I wonder how many things we’ve tossed into the garbage without knowing it. It’s why I’m always missing socks. Oh, and remember when we were at Whataburger with Rhonda and Curt, and the bridge on top of my two missing molars came off, so I wrapped it in a napkin and put it in my shirt pocket. Then before I stepped out the door, I pulled the stray napkin out of my pocket and tossed it the garbage can. I didn’t get the lightened mind feeling until we stopped for bbq in Waco. It was an $800 mistake.

           After I tell that story, Kay might say something about how scatter-brained I am, only she’ll use nicer words. But, that’s what she’ll mean. At that point I’m going to ask, “By the way, do you remember what happened to your wedding ring?” Originally, we just got wedding bands. But a few years later I surprised her with a one-half carat diamond ring. A few years after that, Kay couldn’t find her ring. She narrowed the time-frame
down to when she was washing dishes. So, we searched the kitchen, fridge, oven, sink, sink trap, and the garage. Nothing.

            Well, it was never seen again. My theory is that Kay laid a napkin over the thing, and after washing dishes, grabbed the napkin and tossed it away with the ring. That’s what I’m gonna tell her! – No, I’m not. It hurts just thinking about it. The loss really broke her heart. I’d like to say that I replaced it with a better ring, but that didn’t happen. I can’t pick any lady's stuff out anymore. I don’t care if it’s clothing, jewelry, garden tools, or bath towels, I do not know what Kay prefers. You may not have known that because I’ve only written a dozen articles about the fact.

            Kay and I have become more compatible than ever. We both enjoy watching British detective shows and old period dramas, like Downton Abby and Sanditon. That Sand’ series is sappy as all get out, but I enjoyed it. We enjoy the same type of music, art, and recliners. We both like not mopping the kitchen floor.

The important thing is, we love and get along with one another more than at any time in our lives. We were always close, but apparently we prefer the “old us” over the younger us. That’s why I’m not going to bring up the story about the lost ring. But, the Chinese buffet is a happening thing!

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