Hayter for April 13, 2025
“Everything that glimmers may not keep you from snoring”
I am blessed to have lived at a time when one can go online and order a plastic bag of men's briefs that will appear on your porch the next day. That’s not right, and furthermore, it’s not possible!
If it weren’t for the fact that Kay is the procurer of online purchases for our household, I would’ve never believed an item could arrive the day after the order. And, I would’ve eventually died not regretting my ignorance. But, it’s here. I’ve seen it. In fact, right now I’m wearing one of it.
Not all purchases that Kay makes online arrive the next day. After placing an order, the day of delivery will show on the computer screen. It could be two days, a week, or beyond. But the number of items that have arrived at our house the following day of the purchase goes against time itself. The latest particular item was sent by some outfit in Philadelphia that apparently has a stockpile of Asian underwear.
In Philadelphia, an automated arm grabbed
a bag of underwear and chunked it on a moving “belt” that sent it to another belt
that had big envelopes with bubble wrap inside. It is then sent by a carrier
jet to Houston, where the package is dispatched to Montgomery County, and then
dropped off by a person, who while standing on my porch, takes a picture of the
package.
If that’s not the way it happened, then
there is some gigantic warehouse in this county that’s loaded with every item,
be it jewelry, clothing, 2026 Calendars, shoe spoons… In other words, shoddy things
that stores are too ashamed to sell.
Speaking of which, raise your hand if you use a CPAP machine to help you sleep. Anybody? Okay, so it’s only me. I’ve been using a CPAP for many of years. Kay was the first to get one to keep her from snoring. (CPAP: Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. An acronym pulled from a hat.) A couple of years after Kay got her machine, she had me get one to stop my snoring, which is sad because my snoring has never bothered me.
The mask I am now using has been improved multiple times Right now I use one that fits just inside my nostrils. A pleasant sight it’s not. Besides the nostril inserter, the thing about the machine that I find disturbing is the fact, that the company that sold it to me, does not allow me to regulate the speed and amount of air that shoots through the tube.
The output of Kay’s machine is a nice,
calm flow. My machine from hell emits a force of air that not only clears my
nose canal, pops my ears, and exits through my eyelids, but it also leaks like
a landing blimp. And, I’m unable to lessen the flow of the wind gust.
Apparently, someone in the front office doesn’t trust me to tamper with the
device. It’s all done on a computer by a nice lady who calls me every six
months. I would tell her about my displeasure with the windstorm, but she’s so
nice I hate to upset her. Next time,
though, she’s hearing from me. I may have to send her this article.
I went through all of that to tell you this. I found online a mouthpiece that does exactly what a CPAP machine does but without making my ears flap. When inserted into your mouth, the object clamps over your bottom teeth and pulls your lower jaw forward causing it to extend beyond your upper jaw. That sounds impossible, doesn’t it? There’s a reason for that.
The theory sounds great, though. If you can get your bottom jaw to move forward, it will automatically improve your breathing. While it feels majorly uncomfortable, it can cure you from snoring. Don’t believe me. Well, key in the ad. I think it’s “Magic Jaw Extender.” It’s somewhere online. Perhaps with a different name.
I was so excited by the ad that I ordered the magic mouth-guard cleaning box—the kind that emits an ultraviolet ray that cleans the tooth guard. It was likely invented in the town of Muanz Xay in Laos. Regardless, I forked over $100 for my bottom jaw-shover and the cleaner box. When that buddy arrived it looked strangely familiar. Not to worry, I was still all ga ga over it.
During the
first night, I had trouble keeping the jaw device in my mouth. I had to look I
was sleeping on it once. The other time it had visited my left armpit. While
trying to make my bottom jaw protrude it apparently paralyzes my jaw which
causes the device to exit my mouth. I figured I was doing something wrong, so
continued to experiment with the flimsy jaw-trap for the next couple of nights…
with the same results.
I had purchased the device without letting Kay know because I wanted to impress her with my cessation of snoring. Well, In the early morning of Day 3, after returning to bed from the bathroom, Kay had managed to notice my blue mouth guard lying on the bottom sheet on my side of the bed.
When I returned, she handed me the guard
and said, “You know you already bought one of these don’t you?” Not even a
person as smart as I am can answer a question like that, so I replied, “Ah. So,
that’s why it felt familiar.”
Later that morning, Kay showed me the
original mouth guard that didn’t work, as well as the box with the ultraviolet
ray. I never sent the original back, because I figured I was using it wrong.
Kay, being the best returner of stuff, called the company’s office, As she explained
the situation to the gentleman online, he pulled up my previous order and asked
Kay why I bought a second jaw shover after hating the first one. I left the
room, so I don’t know what she told him. The gentleman told Kay to mail the item
to a factory in Estonia.
Kay got her money back before returning the items. If you ask me, Kay’s timing was very good. As all of the tariff threats fly around, I doubt that the foreign countries that are ticked off at us, will stop selling us crummy stuff along with all of the other items we can really use. Is that a happy ending, or what? – No, I’m asking
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