Using what we don't know

 

Hayter for July 30, 2023

“Making use of what you don’t understand”

I seldom know what it is that will help me choose a topic for my article. Today, I was coaxed by an olive.

 

While preparing a salad this week, I thought to add some stuffed green olives I had purchased at Sam’s. These olives are big and they come in a 21 oz. jar. And, no, I have no idea why they added an extra ounce to a 20 oz jar.

 

So, I’m slicing one of the giant olives for my salad and it hits me. BONK! How on earth could someone invent a machine able to perfectly line up a long row of olives with the stem side out, and then run them through an array of automatic deseeders and pimento inserters? 

 

I imagine they had stuffed olives before I was born, yet, 73 years later, I still don’t have a clue how the creation of such machinery was conceived. I assume that if these olives were processed in China, it would require a more labor-intensive process. And, North Korea? Those poor people wouldn’t know a stuffed olive from a shelled almond. It reminds me of the old saying, “America, love it or stay here and improve it”. -- Okay, if no one ever said that, they thought it. 

 

Begs the question, which came first; the pitted cherry, pitted prune, pitted olive, or seedless watermelon? Of course, all of that is trivial compared to 21^st-century technology. For example, take a look at my cellphone… which oddly enough, is in the same room I am.  

 

Even dumb people can work wonders with this phone. I can call people, get the weather, find a Pizza Hut menu, and get the scores of different games. Right now, for your entertainment, I will find the capital of Mozambique. – Ready? --

 

Whoa! Before I could get to Mozambique, a pop-up informed me that Sinead O’Connor just died. By now, that’s old news to you, but I’m writing this in your past. From what little I know about Sinead, I sense that she was one sad individual. Fame can kick a person hard. That was just a guess. -- Oh, and the capital of Mozambique is Maputo.

 

To get the small amount of knowledge that I just garnered, some kind of electronic wave left this house and headed for a tower or Satellite, and asked for the capital of Mozambique. But, before it could do that, the satellite conveyed a message about the death of Sinead O’Connor. Do you have any idea how that happened in as little as three seconds? Nobody does! Well, perhaps three people. Kay may be one of them.

 

Here is something else that’s technologically weird? I’ve got a friend, Christine Gorhum, who just published a children’s book. The title is “The Adventures of Bunny and Boy.” I’m going to let Kay read it to me as soon as I’m finished here. She can sound just like a stuffed rabbit and a young boy.

 

Anyway, I purchased that book online from Amazon at noon yesterday. The book ended up on my porch at four this afternoon. Amazon publishes books by order. That means that when I placed my order, a machine printed the book with its illustrations and then put it on an Amazon Prime truck located in whatever city Amazon Prime prints its books. The truck, delivered the publication to the airport in said city, where it was flown to Houston airport yadda, yadda…

 

Bottom line, it ends up on my porch the next day at four p.m. That is scary. It made me think of my dad who passed away in 1980, at the age of 62. During his lifetime, my father accomplished some great things and witnessed many wonderful advances in science and technology. However, were I to die today, I would’ve witnessed countless more spectacles than Faris Hayter could have ever imagined.  

 

The good news is that Dad would not come back here even if he could. My faith tells me that he is in a place where time means nothing, and he can see as well as be involved in things that none of us can come close to imagining.

 

I think I’ll end on that, and head to the living room where Kay is eagerly waiting to read me a children’s book titled “The Adventures of Bunny and Boy” as written by my friend Christine Gorhum and illustrated by her daughter-in-law Erika Gorhum.

 

Short bio: Besides being an author, Chris is one of millions of photographers, only she takes photos without the help of sight. She has a similar malady as Kay’s brother Michael, who as a child had an operation on his brain that blinded him. He can see light, but it’s only a dim fog to him. The guy is sharp as a whip and has the ears of a bat. But, he couldn’t take a photo to save his rear. Chris has developed a method.

 

For now, I ask that you stay here for only a moment, while Kay reads “The Bunny and the Boy” to me. I’ll let you know my take on the Author Chris Gorhum’s children’s book. I’ll be back in a few. ---

 

Review: Throughout the read Kay and I were smiling and delighted. I may have gotten too deep into the story. A very pleasant story described by words that were so beautifully expressed. If you purchase this book from Amazon, I recommend you read it to your kids and your spouse. – Keep in mind, you won’t have to wait long to receive it. – Next time. 

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hayter.mark@gmail.com

 

The art of Conversation

 

Hayter for July 23, 2023

“On Getting Someone to talk”

I like people. Can’t help it. I don’t care if I know ‘em or not, I think they’re swell… up until the point I can’t tolerate being around them. That’s probably true for most of us.

 

I enjoy conversing with those who don’t mind talking. I am as good a listener as you’re going to find, and I will talk when given an opening. My close friends enjoy my listening so much more than my speaking.

 

Some of my friends will only speak when pressured to do so. Perhaps they’re depressed and, though they have experienced talking, they no longer care to. Many of us have been there. A horrible sickness, depression.  Some don’t want to talk to you because they don’t like you. I consider that childish. And, yes, I do that at times myself. Fortunately, I can’t think of anyone at the moment.

 

Occasionally, I’ll be standing in a lobby with someone I know, and after we exchange our hellos, we’re both at a loss. That’s one of the reason I started searching for ways to kill an awkward silence. I discovered that the best thing to do is ask the person something about themselves. Never ask a question that can be answered with “Yes” or “No”. If your question is too weird, you’ll get an “I don’t know.” What do you do with something like that? If you get three I-don’t-knows in a row, you’re pretty much getting a signal to leave.

 

Here is a more feasible way to start up a conversation:

 

First: “Boy, Fred, it is so hot out there. I feel like I’ve been roofing houses.  Horrible job!  –  Speaking of which, what’s the worst job you’ve ever had?” -- Any answer he comes up with, will lead you to another question. --“How did you get the job? – Where did you work? – What did you usually bring for lunch? – What are some of the songs you sung on the job?” The last two questions, though stupid, will let you know if the person you’re talking to has a sense of humor.   

 

Next: “Fred, I saw ‘A Few Good Men’ for the fourth time last night. That Jack Nicolson was great! – “Kaffee, I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know!” – That’s one of my favorite movies. What’s one of your favorite movies, Fred? Do you remember any lines from it?” – Next:

 

Next: “Fred, my wife is trying to understand why I always go to sleep with a sock on my right foot. I told her that it feels awkward when I don’t. – What kind of quirks do you have? I promise not to tell anyone.”

 

Next: “Fred, I was sitting around with my brothers last week and we got to talking about our childhood. Sometimes the kids in our neighborhood would campout in someone’s backyard and tell ghost stories and eat hotdogs. Stuff like that. I remember it rained once, and turned out to be the best night for a campout. Yeah, childhood was a wonderment. So, what are some of your childhood memories?

 

Last: “Fred, I really enjoyed teaching. Well, not so much the preparation and grading papers, but I did enjoy talking to the classes about historic events. Teaching government was the best, though. I think it’s important that citizens understand how a bill becomes a law, and how the responsibility of each branch of Government. -- Oh, well. what’s the best thing about you job? (If the person can’t come up with something, ask him for the least aggravating part of his job? “Lunch” or “clocking out” are cute, but not acceptable answers.

 

I feel it necessary at this point to say that I enjoy talking to women more than guys. I’ve got to drag information out of most men. And most topics they agree to share are way out of my league. Cars, golfing, fishing, baseball, soccer, hunting, patio construction… I could go on and on but you get the point. The guys I hang around with are apparently more manly than I. 

 

The good thing about talking to female friends, is that they seldom ask me anything. If I have a question, I must wait until the person takes a breath, at which time I will have forgotten the question. But I don’t mind. I’m not crazy about being in charge during most conversations.

 

I mostly enjoy the humorus comments that arise during my listening. It took me a long time before I realized that when my sister, Jill, was telling me something, she wasn’t doing it to seek my advice. She just needed someone to talk to, not with. I’ve definitely been there.

 

I was blessed with marring the first girl I found who was easy to talk with, and fun to listen to. I would’ve let Kay write today’s article, but she fears upsetting readers. I’ve been hammered by a few readers over the rears.

 

One thing I found that helps lessen criticism is to write about questions that no one has asked, and pray that readers will quit reading as soon as they get upset. – Begs the question, Is anyone still out there?  – Next time.   

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hayter.mark@gmail.com

 

Retirement Woes

 

Hayter for July 16, 2023

“Retirement is no walk in the park”

Today, I need to get the attention of young people. I wish to prepare you for something that’s going to happen to you as soon as you get to my age. Right now, your mind is telling you that retirement will be the best part of your life. It’ll be like your childhood in that you’ll refer to it as “The Good ol’ Days”.

Well, I’m here tell you that childhood is as worrisome as all get out. Children have a knack of turning little things into earth-ending disasters.

Example: Mom to L'll Mark – “Your ball glove is either in the closet or the garage! Now, if you don’t quit bugging me, I’m gonna knock you into Thursday!” When you’ve got seven kids, there is no time to handle the small stuff. I think Mom forgot what it was like to be a kid.

Fortunately, none of my childhood worries were worth the worry. I saw them that way because I was young and stupid. Now I’m older, smarter, and every bit as worried abou the little things.

If I could go back in time and be your age, I’d handle things differently. I would’ve probably never needed anti-depressants.

I tell you all of that to tell you this. You are in a good place in your life. So, whatever you do, DO NOT LIVE FOR RETIREMENT! You will not be stepping out of mental anguish into a peaceful existence. I’m here to tell you that when you get old, your attitude reverts to that of a child’s. You end up worrying about EVERY LITTLE THING!

Ever since I was old enough to drive, I absolutely hated to speak to anyone at an auto parts place. Dad must’ve had the same problem because he always sent me or Dennis to get parts for the car.  – “Okay, Mark, I need you to go get one of these things for me. It’s a left-undercarriage balljoint for a rigid swivel capacitor.” – “Uh, sure, Daddy. The ol’ left-undercarriage thing.”

You have no idea how many automobile questions you’re going have to answer before you can get a left-undercarriage balljoint that swivels. Instead of driving home or calling Dad, I always came back with something. I’d get home and Dad would say something like, “What on earth is this? Does it look anything like what I showed you?” – You’d think after awhile Dad would quit sending me for stuff.

When I have trouble with my car, I’ll take it to Drew at Christopher’s Auto. Sometimes I know what the problem is with the car and sometimes I don’t. No matter, I trust Christopher’s Auto in general, and Drew in particular. Occasionally, he’ll call me back to tell that the problem wasn’t as bad he thought, so it’s already fixed and ready to pick up. 

When it comes to changing the oil myself, I’d rather neuter an elk. That’s why I go one of the fast oil changing places. Last Wednesday I took our 2008 Yaris for an oil change and an inspection. Every time I get the oil changed, there’s a 70 percent chance that a filter of somekind will need to be replaced. Do you know how many filters are under the hood of a car? Nobody does.

Well, Wednesday, I chose to go to Take 5 Oil Change just across from Chicken Express on Loop 336 NW. The two guys I ended up talking with were as polite as could be. The guy changed my oil, first checked stuff under the hood; the coolant, transmission fluid, PS fluid (?) all of the filters and found the air filter in possible need of being replaced. He showed it to me and then  told me that he could leave it in or replace it, or I could replace it myself, that it wasn’t that hard to do.  

No oil change person ever suggested that I might rather replace something myself. I figure when someone tells me that, he’s not trying to scam me. The filter did look a bit dirty, so I told him to go ahead and replace it.

Then the inspection guy started looking over the car, beginning with my headlights. As soon as he asked me to turn ‘em on, I immediately turned on the windshield wiper. He said, “Oops.” – I said, “Oh, you meant my other lights.”

Bottom line, everything went great. My oil is changed, the car is inspected, and, while the windshield wiper incident was an embarrassment, the inspector guy made nothing of it. Next month I have to get the 2002 Highlander inspected, and I don’t dread the experience as much I used to.

Next month there are a billion other dreaded incidents on my calendar. I’ve got visits with my CPAP machine lady and my eye doctor. I’ve got to work on four ceiling fans and do some weed pulling that I wouldn’t even wish on Brad Meyer. I might ask him for help, but I wouldn’t wish it on him.

  There are a slew of other things worrying me but you get the point. I have no idea how I managed to do all of this stuff when I was teaching. I somehow accepted problems better when I was your age.

My  hope for you is that this article will make you less anxious to live for the Age of Retirement. It is not what you imagine it to be. I was much better off back when when Mom was dragging Dennis and me outta church for a spanking. I just didn’t know it. By the way, when Mom spanked us, we only cried so she’d stop wearing herself out. The woman did a lot of spanking, but she was never good at it.  

end

hayter.mark@gmail.com