Fly shooters and Old Cowboys
OUT BACK – Did anyone think to bring a flyswatter? We had three swatters
when we moved in. Our guests stole two of ‘em. No other explanation.
The
third swatter took off day before yesterday. The only guest we had during that
time was my old friend, Johnny Sutton, and I searched him before he left. Makes
me wonder if I was too quick to blame our other guests.
We don’t
really have all that many flies, but the ones we do have are small and fast.
The one taking up residence in our house is a cocky little bugger. I can hear it
laugh when I put my hands on a newspaper or magazine and slowly roll it up.
Have you
ever seen one of those bug killing salt guns? I saw a Bug-A-Salt gun in Sam’s.
-- Get it? “Bug assault?” -- The thing costs $40. It supposedly kills flies,
roaches, spiders… practically any bug that will stay still long enough for you
to shoot it. It apparently shoots a compact spray of table salt.
At Sam's,
I stopped a guy who was happily minding his own business, and I asked him if he
ever saw one of the salt guns. Instead of telling me to leave him alone, he
stopped and picked up one of the packaged guns. He said, “I’ve heard about
these. They’re supposed to be pretty good.” I asked him how hard he thought
it’d be to clean up the salt from off the couch or out of your wife’s hair.
I’m not
sure he appreciated me talking about his wife, but he did put two of the guns
in his cart. That’s $80 worth of fly blasting. I’m a whale of a salesman.
I’m
thinking of buying one of those guns tomorrow. I’ll have to make sure Kay
doesn’t try to accompany me. A $40 flyswatter? The woman applies more logic than
Spock.– Beg your pardon? Oh, Kay is at VBS this evening. I mean vacation bible
school. She won’t be bothering us. In fact, if she were home, we wouldn’t be sitting
out here.
See the
big spot of dead grass just off the porch? That’s where I set the charcoal
burner when Johnny came over. I was going to cook some ribs, so I put the
charcoal canister thing on top of a thick piece of plastic that looked a lot
like wood..The charcoal burned right through the faux wood and scorched a good chunk
of turf. I’m sure Kay’s noticed it, but, thus far, she has yet to yell at me. The
next time the two of us are out back, I’m going to catch some serious flack.
(That last sentence is the second verse of a song I’ve been working on.)
Speaking
of VBS, Kay is really enjoying herself. I’ve mentioned it before that I’ve
never been a fan of VBS. When I was a kid, it was a vacation from summer. I
never asked for a vacation from
summer. VBS was way too preachy when I was a kid. Today, it’s much better. I
know that because one time, not too awfully long ago, I actually participated
in VBS with my old friend Cliff Miller. (Columnist Peggie Miller’s husband.)
This
particular VBS lasted an entire week, just like when I was a kid. Clifford and
I performed a couple of skits each day. We were old cowboys. Cliff, being a
lawyer, got to play the sensible cowboy. The one who delivers the eventual
godly message. I was Mark, so I got to play the slow-witted cowboy. The one who
misses the point of everything.
Unfortunately, the grownups caught on to the
jokes more than the kids did, which had a lot to do with that being the last
time I participated in VBS. Kids are not all that enamored by old, dumb
cowboys. Gabby Hayes wouldn’t be much of a draw today. Especially since he’s
dead.
Like I
said, Kay is having a blast. The theme of the bible lessons is tied to Daniel.
You know, the guy who was tossed into the lions’ den? So many cool stories
about Daniel. Been my experience most VBS lessons come out of the Old
Testament. When I was a kid, we did something with Jacob one year, Joseph the
next. Back in ‘58 Noah made an appearance. Then there was David. The story of
David and Goliath was a kid magnet.
Kay said
that she’s got some first graders who can read. I mean, big words. Not, “See
Dick. See Jane. See Dick and Jane.” That’s pretty much what I got out of the
first grade. Kay’s got a kid who can read, “Nebuchadnezzar responded, and said,
‘Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.’ ” -- I couldn’t read
the word “Nebuchadnezzar” until I was 13… and, it certainly wasn’t because I
didn’t go to VBS enough.
What? Oh,
that’s the garage door opening up. Kay’s apparently back. She can’t join us out
here or else she’ll remember the dead grass. Even though she just came from
church, she’ll be on me like a fly on jam. Which reminds me, next time we’re
out here, you’ll each get one shot with my bug assault gun. We’d best not get
any salt in Kay’s flowerbed, or else she’ll get me a pet cat. The girl can be
vicious.
end
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