Doc visit

“Dread List”

            Some people keep a bucket list. I keep a dread list. The good thing about a dread list is the fact that I don’t need to write anything down. My gut constantly reminds me of all the bad stuff I have to do.

            For example, no one has ever needed to remind me to get my car inspected. July is the month we celebrate our Nation’s birth. It’s also the month I have to get my car inspected. August is the month of Kay’s birthday, but it’s also the month I have to get her car inspected. I love Kay to pieces, but at times I wish I had found a girl who really enjoyed changing the oil and getting the car inspected. I would’ve overlooked a lot of quirky behavior for just such a girl.

            I thought when we bought our new home I wouldn’t have to worry about checking on things, because everything was new. Get it? Today, I received a list from the mortgage company with 17 things I’m supposed to inspect during the summer. I’m s’posed to clean or replace my microwave filter. I didn’t even know microwaves had filters.

            But, forget the house inspection list. One of my biggest dreads has to do with my semi-annual checkup with the doctor. It rates right up there with having to attend a graduation. The doc used to schedule yearly appointments. He’d give me a year’s worth of refills on my meds. Now, he has my prescriptions run out at the end of six months. If they were refillable for a lifetime, the only time I’d return to the doctor would be when I was strapped to a gurney.

            The reason I’m spouting off about all of this is because yesterday morning, I had to go to my doctor for a checkup. He found nothing wrong with me. Hey, I was as surprised as you. Truth is, while he didn’t mention anything that was good about me, he didn’t share anything that was wrong, either. If he had called Kay, I’m sure she would’ve set him straight.

            Speaking of the Little Lotus blossom, Kay gave me a list of things I was supposed to bring to the doctor’s attention. It was either that or she was going to sit in on my physical. Kay’s main concern about me has to do my gallbladder. Last week, I had an odd episode in the middle of the night. I got out of bed at my usual hour to relieve myself when I got all dizzy and nauseated. I wasn’t too worried because I never throw up. I can get nauseated with the best of ‘em, but I never deliver. Well, on this particular night -- I delivered.

            Kay took a look at my output and said that I could quite possibly have gallstones. She remembered all of her symptoms, and noticed some similarities to my 3:30 a.m. experience.  

            When I mentioned the episode to my doctor and asked if he thought I might have gallstones, he told me it sounded more like I caught a bug. I liked his answer a lot more than Kay’s supposition. I actually thought my temporary illness had to do with the Keto Diet that I’ve been on for a couple of months. It’s like the Atkins Diet, only spelled different. Both diets allow you to eat only a few selected vegetables -- no bread, or anything that could be defined as “dessert.” Soda pops, sweetened tea, sugar in your coffee… forget about it.

             Somebody told me the way it works has to do with the fact that our bodies will eat fat if fat is the only thing we’re eating. Before the diet, my body would store my animal fat because it preferred baked potatoes and ice cream over ribs. Bottom line, our bodies are hoarders. They don’t realize that they’re housing more fat than we’ll ever need.

            On the Adkins/Keto diet, your main intake is meat, eggs, cheese and nuts. Of course, I didn’t read up on the diet. I thought I’d best just jump on the thing before scientists figured out it kills gerbils. When I explained to the doc that my diet was likely responsible for me throwing up bile, as a result of my intestines rebelling against a no-dessert policy, he stuck with his bug theory.

            He asked me a bunch of questions, too. -- When am I supposed to have my next colonoscopy? When was the last time I had a tetanus shot? -- How do you answer something like that? -- I usually just make up stuff. “Colonoscopy?  That was recent. Tetanus shot? Day before yesterday. Doc, what’s that for anyway? I’ve never heard anyone say, ‘Well, my husband’s in bed with tetanus. Cut himself on the dog’s rusty collar.’ Look, Doc, I know it’s bad, but is it any worse than the shot?”

            The doctor never looked up from his computer screen. He told me that I had a colonoscopy three years ago and would need another in two years. He had no record of a tetanus shot, so he had the nurse give me one. My arm bothered me all night.

            The good news is, I won’t have to go back to the doctor until after Christmas. The really good news is that my car needs its July inspection, but it also needs an oil change. That means I can kill two dreads with one stop. Life is good… at least until August.

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Mark can be contacted at hayter.mark@gmail.com.