News

“News that didn’t make the cut”

           

            “And, now let’s go to ‘News That Didn’t Make the Cut,” with Mark Hayter!’ -- Good morning, welcome to NDMC. I’m Mark Hayter.

KAY: Does that I mean I can leave now?

MARK: Sure, but don’t go far. Where was I? Oh--

            The first lab-grown hamburger was recently purchased for $330,000. The near-meat was grown in a round, high-lipped Petri dish so it would come out looking like a genuine beef patty without anyone having to pat it out. No telling what this thing can do.         

            The red-spongy mass was made up of a wad of mystery plants and a tad of genetically modified yeast, meant to give it a meaty taste. According to scientists, the yeast was created from “cow parts.” The alt-meat fried up just like a real burger patty, with the added distinction of being able to glow in the dark. Possibly.

            The burger cost so much because it took three years to figure out how to engineer the substance. Then it took only three weeks to get it to where a rat would eat it, and two years after that to find a rat that could survive the meal. When asked about the taste of the genetic plant-meat burger, billionaire Reginald Potsworth, III said, “Tastes a lot like chicken weed.”

            A 14-foot giant squid washed up just off the coast of Wellington, New Zealand. Scientists referred to it as a “behemoth”, “gigantic” and a “monster.”  Considering a tentacle from the “gargantuan” creature could barely reach around a keg of beer, this reporter calls it a “humongous” misuse of the word “giant.” The thing couldn’t even wrap itself around the periscope of Captain Nemo’s sub. -- By the way, it’s a near-fact that all squid and octopi are left-handed.

            Drunken kangaroos are causing a lot of trouble for farmers in southeastern Australia. The condition of the roos is known as the “staggers.” The drunken behavior is believed to be linked to an imported variety of “canary grass” that is pretty well taking over the region.

            This particular strain of canary grass also intoxicates sheep and cows. Fortunately, sheep and cows are good drunks. Kangaroos go wacko. Sober kangaroos are nothing to play with, but drunken kangaroos jump higher than they even thought possible, kick harder and turn their necks a complete 180 degrees, making them near impossible to sneak up on.

            Though the condition is weird to the point of being laughable, it can be deadly to a kangaroo. Australian outdoorsman, Dingo Devers, said, “It’s so rare for something odd to be associated with Australia.” Dingo made the comment while chewing on canary weed.  

            Lightning bugs do not turn on their tail lights in an attempt to attract a mate. After a near century of being left in the dark, scientists have now decided to let us in on the secret. Lightning bugs don’t need a light to find a mate. They need a light to keep predators from eating them. Turns out, lightning bugs taste absolutely horrid. Some of you may have already found that out. Yet, they flit around so slowly that they’re an easy catch for bats and other night-fliers. A bat would never intentionally grab a lightning bug, but they don’t know what they’ve got until they’ve chewed on it.

            So as a favor to the bats and other enemies of the firefly, the vulnerable bugs were given the gift of glow. Without the warning-light, predators would not know what they had in their mouths until was too late. Yes, it’s true that we’ve been told bats can’t see, so how do they recognize a light? Scientists are not going to reveal the blind-as-a-bat myth until there’s a slow news day. Regardless, without their flashing light, lightning bugs would likely be extinct. – Wait a minute, they are near-extinct. Their light apparently does not ward off pesticides.   

            Russian cosmonauts have a tradition of peeing inside the bus that takes them to the launch pad. The crude behavior began with Yuri Gagarin, the first human to travel into space… and survive the experience. On April 12, 1961, while on his way to the launch pad, Gagarin had to buskaveke (urinate), so he did it on the floor of the trakeskpa (bus). Since Gagarin’s mission was a success, all subsequent cosmonauts decided to take leak on the floor of the bus while heading to the launch pad. Back in the U.S., presidential staff have managed to keep this information away from POTUS. “You never know what the guy is liable to do,” said a high White House horse. Uh, source.

            Linguists have now determined why Brits’ talk funny. A couple of centuries ago, the elite of Britain wanted their speech to be different from that of the commoners, so someone came up with the idea that they drop the “r” sound. “Park the cart” became “pauk tha caut.” It’s called “rhotic replacement,” or, in the States, “Elmer Fudd Disease.”

            Over time, Brits decided to make other changes like losing the “the” before “hospital” and “university.” As in, “Oh, so you attended univahcity?”  Over the years, different regions in Great Britain did other silly things just so they would each sound peculiar to one another. I mean “special”.

            What? Pardon me a second, please. My earplug is giving me fits. – Yes, sugarplum? You’re joking! Really?” –  Uh, I just got word from the director in the booth, that I’m required to let you know that while the main idea in each of these stories is true, some of the details have been necessarily invented due to the failure of those involved returning my calls. True, crapulent-reporting is pretty much accepted nowadays, but Kay just won’t have it.

            Now she’s telling me that we’re out of time so I need to wrap things up. Her words were “Quit it right now!” – So on that note, this is Mark Hayter with “NDMC,” saying— Did she cut me off? Tell me she didn’t cut me off!    

 

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