Amendments 1-3

July 11, 2019

“Two bloody bear arms”

            A few years back I taught government at McCullough and Oak Ridge High Schools. I taught several other history courses, but teaching government to seniors was my favorite assignment. It’s amazing how people of all ages know so little about our rule of laws.

              That being said, I’m going to let you be a fly on the wall in one of my classes, as I discuss the first 10 Amendments to the Constitution. We call ‘em The Bill of Rights. By the way, I provide weird hints meant to help students remember each amendment. So, from now to the end of class, regardless of what you see or hear, don’t panic. I have this under control.

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             Okay, everyone take a seat. It’s time for us to continue our study of the Constitution of these United States. -- Uh, Meryl, I wasn’t speaking literally, when I said “take a seat,” so, kindly put the chair back where you got it.

            Today we’re going to begin a study on the amendments to the Constitution. By the time I’m through with you, you’ll be able to ace a test on all of those suckers. – I’m sorry? No, Meryl, an amendment is not a flavor of gum. It is something that alters or adds to the Constitution. And, do you wanna know what’s weird? Since the ratification of our constitution, there have been only 27 written changes made. And that, my leaders of tomorrow, explains why we have the oldest working Constitution in world. The thing was so well thought-out.

            While our Constitution can be changed, the process is beastly. It requires two thirds of Congress or two thirds of the states to propose an amendment, and three fourths of the States to agree on it. Today, that’d be 38 states. I’m telling you, it’s beastly!

            For the next two class periods, we’re going to concentrate on the first 10 amendments. Eventually I’ll cover all 27 of ‘em. When I’m through, you will all be able to ace a test over the amendments. At least, that’s my hope… that and a trip to Disney World.

            Amendment 1 is all about five basic, individual rights: Freedom of religion and speech, freedom of the press, freedom to peaceably assemble, and freedom to petition the government about some gripe you might have. These are rights that the colonists were denied when Britain was in charge. So, after we ran the British off, we wanted to make sure that our new government would guarantee us rights.

            Unfortunately, the first amendment is way too vague. Does freedom of speech mean that I can legally make up stuff about a person in order to destroy his reputation? No, we let the Supreme Court come up with rules against slander and liable, through a process called Judicial Review. Although the process is not mentioned in the Constitution, it was derived from one of the most ingenious court rulings in this nation’s history – “Marbury vs. Madison.” We’ll look at it next semester.

            If you have trouble remembering the First Amendment One, keep in mind that it assures that basic rights are guaranteed to each and every ONE of us. Got it? You can better remember the five freedoms by their initials RAPPS. – Religion, Assembly, Press, Petition, and Speech. -- Let’s move along.

            The Second Amendment was also attributed to our war against Britain. When the colonists started getting snitty, the Brits confiscated their weapons and brought in more Red Coats. The colonists were farmers and such, so we had no standing army either during or immediately after the Revolution. As a result, our Founding Fathers came up with the only amendment that gives a reason for its need. Amendment 2: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

            For whatever reason, our Founding Fathers chose not to write: “The possibility of our government turning on its citizens, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms shall not be infringed.” – Of course, a 28^th amendment can be added to reword the second Amendment, or the Supreme Court could change the thing by ruling on a case pertaining to the bearing of arms.

            The way you might want to remember this amendment, is to think of a really tough hunter walking up to a bear and tearing its arms off. At that point, he holds up two bloody bear arms. I added the “bloody” part just to create a more vivid image in your minds. (Note to flies on the wall: Today, no one needs any help remembering the 2^nd Amendment.)

            Now, you’re really going to need help remembering the next amendment, because it’s never been used… to my knowledge. When we were a colony, the Red Coats would march into a town and the colonists weren’t nice to ‘em at all. Wouldn’t let ‘em camp in their backyards. Stuff like that. So, the Brits issued a “Quartering Act” requiring colonists to house and feed Red Coats. Thus, we have Amendment 3:  “No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house without the consent of the owner; nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.”

            The way to remember this is to picture a soldier knocking on the door of house of a young, recently married couple. The soldier demands entrance, but the husband says, “No way, sergeant! Two’s company and three’s a crowd.”

           

            I realize that a few of you have been nodding off, so I will now end this lecture, and finish it the same time next week, when I’ll cover amendments four through 10. I’ll use less detail on them. Excuse me. – Yes, Meryl, feel free to use the remainder of class time to pass around a petition stating that I not go over the next seven amendments. And, Meryl, I really hate to encourage you, sir, but you, are a hoot. You remind me of me.

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Amendments 4-7

July 21, 2019

“What are you looking 4?”

           

            Last week, you went back in time and listened in on one of the lectures I gave my government classes on the U.S. Bill of Rights. Several of you marveled at how we were able to do that. Let’s take a hint from Carl Sagan, who said, “Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were… but without it, we go nowhere.” That guy was, like, really smart.

            If you recall, I was only able to complete the first three amendments. After giving the class a pop quiz on last week’s lecture, we are now ready to cover amendments four through ten. I don’t know if it can even be done in one class period, so might want to buckle up. 

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            Okay, Amendment Four involves the cops wanting to break into your house. Before our Independence, the Brits, who were in charge of the colonies, would occasionally storm into somebody’s house, hoping to find some ill gotten goods. – “Ah, here’s a box of donuts without a stamp showing you paid a tax on it. Soldiers, grab the Dad and those two kids holding donuts, while I confiscate the rest in the box.”

            The 1790, the Congress of the U.S. wanted to make sure that couldn’t happen in our new country, so they proposed an amendment that guaranteed the government wouldn’t break into your house without a judge’s warrant explaining what they were looking for, and providing probable cause as to why they thought you were hiding something. Amendment Four dealt with “unreasonable searches and seizures.”

            One way to remember that is to picture a cop standing at your door demanding to search your house. You say, “Stop! Tell me what you’re looking 4?” – Yes, Meryl, if you say, “What are you looking 7?” you’ll have the wrong Amendment. Pardon my sarcasm, but that’s very thoughtful of you. 

            Let’s move along. How many of you know what it means to “Plead the Fifth?” Meryl, put your hand down. I’ll just go ahead and tell you. – When we were a British colony, people could be arrested and thrown in jail until they confessed to committing a crime. After a few days in a cell with Gold Caps Carl, you might confess to anything. Well, I’m here to tell you that the Fifth Amendment says you can’t be forced to be a witness against yourself.

            Nor can you even be brought to trial until a group of citizens called a “grand jury” agrees there is a reasonable cause to “indict” you, which means, “to have you brought to trial.” The amendment also mentions something quite vague. It’s called “due process of law.” It means you can’t have your life, liberty, or property taken from you without a fair trial. And, yes, the meaning of “fair trial” is also vague, and has been changed over the course of a couple of centuries. But, we’ll dive into that quagmire another day.

            As for remembering the Fifth Amendment? Think of someone “Pleading the Fifth.” Someone like me, who says, “I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may tend to incriminate me.”

            Let’s move on to the Sixth, which promises you “the right to a speedy and public trial by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed.” That’s a mouthful of mush, and each morsel is very important.

            Used to, the Brits would haul suspected malcontents across the Atlantic and try them in a hoity-toity British court. The trial would be carried out by old British men wearing white, powdered wigs. That goes against everything American… with the exception of George Washington, who could wear anything he wanted.

            The sixth amendment can be readily called to mind by clinging to the notion of a “speedy trial.” With that in mind, think “Speedy Six!” – By the way, “speedy” has been interpreted to mean from 60 to 120 days. By the way, both those numbers are divisible by six. If your lawyer needs more time to study the case, he will be allowed a “reasonable” extension. Point is, you can’t legally be locked up for years before being brought to trial. – Unless you’re locked up at Guantanamo, where your rights are flushed.

            The seventh amendment is the least thought out. It is actually way too specific. It says that, in civil cases, (someone suing someone), – if the amount you’re suing for is $20 or more, you have the right to a “jury” trial. Back in 1791, $20 was a lot of money. You could buy yourself a motorcycle with that kind of money. Today, it won’t even buy you a side-mirror for your motor cycle.

            If this amendment were taken seriously today, a spat between two neighbors could require six to 12 jurors take off work to settle the tiff. While the right is still valid as it can be, the Supreme Court refuses to uphold it. So far, Congress and the states have considered it too much trouble to change the thing.

            You can remember the Seventh by thinking – “civil seven, civil seven, civil seven.” You need to say it fast, so the words meld. If you can’t remember what a civil case is, you will still get the question about the amendment number right; you’ll just have to make up something about any question that asks you to explain the difference between a criminal case and a civil case.

            I still have three amendments to go, but we’re about to get bell bit. We’ll hafta finish this next time. – Yes, Meryl? Ah, good idea. Yes, there will be a quiz on amendments four through seven next time. And, no, pleading the Fifth won’t help at all. 

               

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Amendments 8-10

August 4, 2019

“A Lion 8 Him—Your last class”

            Okay, okay, everybody settle down. I am about ready to finish off the Bill of Rights. While you’re getting out your notes, I’m going to take care of something back at my desk.

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            For those of you who missed my last two articles, today you will imagine that you’re a fly on the wall in one of my government classes from a few years back. I’m finishing up on a lecture over the first 10 amendments to the Constitution, something we call The Bill of Rights. I’m down to the last three.

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            He’s back. Before we get started on Amendment Eight, let’s have a quick review of the first seven. Nancy, what’s the clue to help you remember the need for a search warrant? “What are you looking 4, Mr. Hayter.” -- Super!

            Kyle, what amendment was written assuring you the right to a jury trial when being sued? -“I can’t remember stuff under pressure, but I know the amendment about quartering soldiers. Two’s company, 3’s a crowd.” -- I’ll take it, Kyle.

            Jennifer, you can’t be forced to testify against yourself. -- “I plead the fifth, Mr. Hayter.” Good. – Jackie, which amendment gives you the right to worship a tree? “That is Amendment One, because it gives each ONE of us ‘Freedom of Religion.’” Perfect, kiddo!

            Frank, hand over your rifle. – “Over my 2 bloody bear arms will I give you my rifle, Mr. Hayter!” Ripe on, partner. – Teri, what do you call a case involving a lawsuit? – “That’s a civil case, Mr. Hayter, and it’s mentioned in the Seventh Amendment. Civil seven.” You’re a peach, young lady!

            Curtis, unless the Constitution denies you the right to sing on a street corner, you have the right to do it. -- “Let’s see, the right would be MINE, which rhymes with NINE and stands for pool.” – You’re The Man, Curtis.

            Jessica, a judge sentences you to life in prison for a traffic violation. – “That’d be cruel and unusual, Mr. Hayter. You might say I got “8 by a lion.” Right you are, young lady. – Deni, Texas has the right to collect a sales tax. – “So does TENnessee, Mr. Hayter. Tenth Amendment!” You’re scratching me right where I itch, Deni.

           

            So, Meryl, you’ve been sitting in jail for two years waiting for a trial. – “Am I in a cell at Guantanamo?” – Nope. – “Well, in that case, I’d say ‘Speedy Six!’ The Sixth Amendment, sir.” --  Meryl, thank you for being serious for a change. – “I was just joking. I meant the seventh?”  

            On that note, let us begin. Amendment Eight is vague, vaguer, Vegas. However, there is a reason for that. Listen to the wording. -- “Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.” The words “excessive, cruel and unusual” were purposefully too general, requiring the courts to rule on their meanings. Over the years, judges would be more likely to let the cultural changes of society affect their sentencing. In 1790, it might’ve been normal to publically apply a whip to a convicted thief. By today’s standards that’d be cruel and unusual, to say the least.

            The way I remember the Eight Amendment is to think of myself being fed to the lions for robbing a bank. Anytime my wife was asked what happened to her husband, she’d say, “Oh, I thought knew. A lion 8 him.”

            The Ninth Amendment is very personal. After the authors of the Bill of Rights came up with all the rights they could think of at the time, one guy mentioned how terrible it would be if they left one out. That’s when they decided to add a “catch all” amendment. It read, “The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.” -- What that means is – Just in case we forgot to mention any natural right of the people, as long as it’s not denied somewhere else in the Constitution, people can do it.

            The way I remember this is by thinking that any right not denied by the Constitution is still mine, and MINE rhymes with NINE. Get it?

            It’s now time for me to end this thing by explaining the 10^th and final amendment to the Bill of Rights. – Hold down the applause, please. --After the Ninth Amendment, it was decided that the STATES needed the same catchall guarantee concerning their POWERS. So, they wrote the following:  “The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people.” More mush than you can spoon, but again, really important.

            In essence, the 10^th Amendment gives states the power to do anything that the National government can’t do. For example, the constitution said nothing about who gets the right to vote, so each state made up its own rules. Speaking of which, in 1890, Wyoming became the first state to allow women to vote. It wasn’t until 1920 that the 19^th Amendment was ratified, giving women in all states the right to vote.

            I remember the 10th amendment by thinking of Tennessee, because Tennessee is a state that was named to help us remember the Tenth Amendment. – And that class, and anyone else who might be eavesdropping, is the end of our study on the Bill of Rights. – And the class said? The class said? – “Ding dong the witch is dead?” – Close enough, Meryl.

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Hot out

July 11, 2019

“It’s time to hibernate”

            You want to know the truth? I’m not a big fan of July. It’s pretty much a bad month for doing anything other than napping and eating ice cream. – Note to self: Try to remember not to nap while eating ice cream.

            This July has been particularly bad on me. Have I ever mentioned the fact that I sweat like a plow-horse on diuretics… or that it took me 10 minutes to come up that simile? If I step outside for anything, be it to get the mail or take the garbage out, when I step back into the house, I’m drenched in sweat. I got that from my Dad who got it from his Mom who got it from a Libyan camel herder. -- Don’t ask. 

            The last couple of weeks, I’ve been hauling 100-pound dirt bags from my neighbor’s yard to my backyard. This has given me a greater appreciation for dirt bags. I used to think that calling someone a “dirt bag” meant that the person was of low moral character. That was stupid. It means that the person is heavy. And, if the person is all wet, he’s extra heavy. I have every confidence that the dirt in the sandbags was really wet. -- Note to my neighbor: Don’t ever bag wet stuff.

            At one point Kay made a horrible mistake and asked if she could help me with the bagged dirt. Bless her heart. Kay’s generously brave offer cost me. She ended up sprawled out in the recliner for three days. The only reaction I could get from her was an occasional high-pitched moan. I never knew this, but I can handle a low-pitched moan much better than a high-pitched one. Sets my nerves on edge.

            Kay did eventually improve to the point where she could again mow the lawn. Each time she mows, I do the weed eating around the perimeter of the house, along the sidewalk and along the edge of the driveway, and street. At one point, my battery-powered lawn trimmer ate the 0.95 mm plastic string. It took me 20-minutes to unsnarl the web of plastic cord, and another three hours to reassemble the weed-eater.

            I would like to grab the guy on YouTube who demonstrates how to disassemble and reassemble a grass-trimmer. As he places his hand atop the cap of the spool that contains the balled plastic string, he’s jovial as all get out. Immediately before he tries to take off the cap, there is a quick blip in the video. I’m thinking a 23-minute erasure. When the man returns to the screen, he’s holding the cap in his hand and wearing a look on his face as if he had won the Dakota 500 out Fargo. Just made me want to scream.

            That being said, I owe a great deal to the people who voluntarily submit videos on YouTube. With their help, I’ve been able to repair everything from toilets to brake lights. While they made each job look like a piece of cake, mine looked more like a vat of molten lead. Still, it was their look of confidence that saw me through each task.

            Speaking of something molten, another place where I’ve been doing a lot of sweating is at The Y -- short for “Young Men’s Christian Association.” (Founded in 1844 in London). Today the name no longer applies. Not even the “Y” part of it. During the day when the young and middle-aged are either in school or at work, the Y is full of the older-aged… of both genders. I couldn’t swear that everyone at the Y is a Christian, which is okay, because Christians aren’t supposed to swear. I will tell you that my racquetball partner is agnostic.

            Brad Meyer and I play racquetball a couple of times a week at the Y. At the start, Brad was considerably better than I was. Now, he’s simply better. On and off the court, the one thing I’m having the most trouble with is pain. My hip tends to hurt when I first stand up, and when I start break dancing. It’s been messed up for two weeks now. Since the start of July.

            Last week, it was my foot that’s killing me. To be more precise, it’s my achilles tendon to be more precise. What’s weird is that 25 years ago that same tendon snapped on me like a wet towel at a fraternity hazing. It was while playing in the Thanksgiving Day Hayter Football Game that I tried to fake Larry out of his ridiculous-looking yellow football pants.

            My path had “touchdown” written all over it, when I both heard and felt a pop. I’m telling you, my foot just dangled. After surgery, I had to wear one of those boots with the metal brace. Oh, and I was of very little use around the house, which really upset Kay. The thing that upset me the most was the fact that they didn’t even stop the game after I got hurt. And, I was the captain of our team!

            While that particular injury happened in November, I’m still quite fond of that month. It’s July that really gets my goat. I’m telling you, it’s a lousy month for me. The only thing worse is August. -- I’m thinking that a mid-summer hibernation is the most practical solution for me. I’ll wake with a look on my face as if I just scored the winning goal in the Women’s World Cup Championship Game. – I may have just rushed that simile a bit. 

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hayter.mark@gmail.com