Article ideas

‘Mark’s Think Tank” (March 10, 2019)

           

            I’m glad you could be with me today as I introduce this year’s “Idea’s For Mark’s Article Think Tank” – IFMATT. A Think Tank is a group of really smart people who give advice and ideas to individuals, corporations, governments… who are planning something big.

            Take me for instance. Last year, I assembled a committee to come up with ideas for stuff to write about. I was looking for a “Think Tank” but got an aimless assortment of oddballs who had trouble getting along. Oh, and thinking. They had trouble thinking of stuff. Remember Flo? That girl was zoned.

            Well, this year I acquired a group of experts who can not only think on their feet but also in their seats, but they’ve also been in the newspaper. That pretty much makes ‘em credible, but only if you discount all of the wackos who have been in the newspaper. So, let me introduce this year’s IFMATT.

            We’ve got my kid sister, Jill; my friend since second grade, Johnny Sutton; my friend and accomplished photographer, professional boxing ref, resort manager and reporter, Brad Meyer; and my lovely and charming wife for life, Kay. Where is Kay? Kay, I’m introducing you, so get your buns out here. There she is.

            Not with us today is my kid brother, Big Al. He has yet to respond to my phone message. He may be out shooting another commercial. Apparently, Al has a look that makes people want to buy whatever he’s hyping. I don’t have that look. I couldn’t sell a ladder to a… to a person who really needed a ladder.

JILL: Mark, you said tee tee.  I-F-M-A-TT. Speaking of which, I don’t like the name of the Tank of Thought and if you don’t change it I will walk right out of here, Little Mister. Hey, I’m joking! Don’t give me that look. 

MARK: Okay, if Jill is through, let’s get started. What say we start with Montgomery County’s auger of deep stuff, Brad Meyer. What you got for me, Bradlison? 

BRAD: I suggest you quit writing drivel and write about important stuff… like the National Debt. That thing’s climbing faster than a squirrel on meth. What’s causing that?

MARK: Squirrels on meth? I have no idea. And the National Debt is equally puzzling. Let’s see, the people who used to hate a big National Debt are now okay with it, and the people who used to not care much about the debt now hate it. You’d love me to step in the middle of that argument, wouldn’t you, Bradford? Well, I’m not doing it! 

BRAD: Okay then, write about how robots are taking over people’s jobs and will soon take over the world, starting with Oklahoma?  

MARK: Bradly, I’m fairly sure that Oklahomans wouldn’t know a robot if it set next to ‘em on the porch swing. – Jill, you’re next. 

JILL: I think you should write about the history of the Washburn Tunnel in Pasadena. It must be Washburn’s birthday because somebody on Facebook has posted pictures of when they started building it. It made me think of when Daddy would take us to Lake Houston. He and Mom would be inside the pickup, with little Al sitting between them. This was before seatbelts and child seats, back when kids were allowed to jump around in the bed of a moving pickup. I remember, we used to try to hold our breath all the way through the tunnel? Dennis said that he did it, but he was a storyteller. 

MARK: Well, if anybody could hold his breath all the way through the tunnel, Dennis could. He could do anything. Okay, that’s a fond memory that almost brought me to tears. Jill, I need you to do some research on the Tunnel and get back to me early next week. – Johnny, speak to me. 

JOHNNY: Mark, I think you should write about the time Craig and I drove to Mazatlan on a surfing trip and took you along so you could help pay for the gas. We set off with our surfboards strapped to the top of the old ’55 Chevy. This was back when you could actually survive a drive all the way across Mexico.

MARK: Okay, I know how this story ends, my friend, and I’m not writing about it.

JOHNNY: So, we made it to the beach, and you grabbed your borrowed flippers, goggles and snorkel and walked into the surf, where you met a 12-foot wave that caused you to disappear. When we found you, you had lost everything but one flipper. You would’ve lost your swim trunks, had they not wrapped around your ankle.  

MARK: Johnny, the one thing that gets me about that story is how you and Craig just let me walk out there as if I knew what I was doing. You were just looking for a good laugh. Well, I ’m here to tell you, my friend that--

KAY: Mark, I think you should write about something positive, like digging a garden. What are we going to plant this year?

MARK: We? There ’s no “we” in gardening, puddin’ head. Gardening is nowhere on my list of “wanna do's.” Pretty much along with everything else I’ve heard from you guys today. Not to worry, when I get Big Al here, he’ll really pick you up. 

BRAD: Hey, I’ll buy whatever your kid brother is selling. By the way, does he play racquetball any better than you do?

MARK: You know, I had this very same feeling after my first meeting last year with the IFMACs. The “C” stood for Committee.” I thought that, by giving this group of yahoos a smart name, they’d live up to it. What’s in a name? – Whoa, that’d be a decent topic.

           

end

You can contact Mark at hayter.mark@gmail.co