gong show

“The Gong Show” (March 3, 2019)

 

             

             I have way too many responsibilities in life. I get the shakes just thinking about ‘em. There’s a name for what I’ve got. It’s called Pre Traumatic Crazy. The only known cure is to quit thinking. I’m just guessing on this one.

            By way of experience, I happen to know that “not thinking” can cause injury. For example, take my lip. I realize that most of you can’t see from where you’re sitting, but I want those in the room to take a good look at the inside of my lower lip. – “Oh, my word!” – “Somebody call 911!” – What you’re missing is the sight and sounds of all those in the room who are freaking out over my bulbous lip.

            What happened was I somehow chomped down on my lip while eating peanuts. The sensation hurt like a bad dog. My thought was, “What an idiot!” About 10 minutes later, I did it again. The second bite hurt worse than the first. And I felt more anger than regret, and my anger was focused on the peanuts. By the third bite, my lip had become so swelled that my incisors couldn’t miss my lip if they wanted to. One can only imagine how much pain I endured before finishing the bag of nuts.

  

            Here it is 10 days later and I’ve managed to bite the same place on my lip at least twice a day; clear evidence that, while “not thinking” may ease my Pre Traumatic Crazy, it is absolutely killing my lip. 

            I tell you that to tell you this: I really believe you should sign up for “The Gong Show.” – What? You mean you haven’t heard? Well, I’m here to tell you that on March 14, (two Thursdays from now) Stage Right is hosting a countywide Gong Show at The Crighton Theatre. It costs only $5 to enter the event, and absolutely nothing to come and watch. I’m sure donations for Crighton Theatre upkeep would be welcome, but that’s up to you and your God. 

            If you can sing, do karaoke, dance, juggle, play a musical instrument, or use your hands and armpits to perform flatulent tunes you qualify. In fact, if you can do anything even remotely related to what I’m saying here, you need to sign up for the Gong Show. Immediately. Or later. Just so it’s not a day or two before the event. 

            From what Carolyn Wong told me, if you’re a legitimate performer, they would like you to show your wares. If you can come up with a farcical, non-distasteful skit, you need to sign up. Have you toyed with the idea of becoming a standup comic,? Sign up. The worst that can happen is you’ll get gonged. The best that can happen is you’ll win and take home some money. No, I don’t know how much. I’m assuming it depends on how many others compete.  

            Before I bit my lip 138 times, I considered signing up for a standup comic routine. Considering my bad lip and Pre Traumatic Crazy problem, there is no way I’m fit to perform, especially not in front of a sober audience. Christian Comedian Bob Smiley could do it. His audiences are almost always sober. “Sign up Bob!”

            Do you need to promote your country/rock/polka group? Sign up, already! In short, there’s no one around here who is too bad or too good to perform in The Gong Show at the Crighton. 

            Whoa, it just hit me. Is there anyone here who doesn’t know what a Gong Show is? In the mid-seventies, a guy named Chuck Barris created a show where people would perform some kind of act in front of three or four judges. Barris, as emcee, would introduce an act and someone might come out and do something really stupid. After about 30 seconds, one or all of the judges would wrestle for the gong’s gonger, so they could hit the gong and kill the act.  

            Barris was the weirdest emcee ever to wander on stage.  Hard to say if he was a genius or lunatic. I really liked him, so he was probably a lunatic. The goal of each contestant was to complete their performance without getting gonged. In the end, the judges would pick the best performance and the winner would win something. 

            That’s pretty much how Stage Right’s Gong Show will be handled. To sign in you’ll need to Google “Stage Right Gong Show” and complete the simple form online. There are no auditions. Just read the directions and follow them. Easy peasy.   

            Steve and Carolyn Wong gave me a bit more info, but I didn’t listen well because I’m still trying hard not to think. PTC, remember? From what I understand, Steve is currently the mind and legs of Stage Right. He has to be around a bunch of talented people all the time. Why he doesn’t have PTC is beyond me. Oh, and he’s married to the most talented actor on the planet. Carol is a consummate performer and a hoot. But, she will not be competing in The Gong Show. Steve drew the nepotism card. Just a guess.

            So, assuming my lip heals in time, I look forward to seeing you at 7:00 Thursday, March 14, at the Crighton. You will be thoroughly entertained by the best and worst this county has to offer. If you’re the least bit disappointed, you’ll get your money back. 

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hayter.mark@gmail.com.