Hayter article for November 7, 2021
“A Survey of Halloween 2021”
I have taken great pains to instill a sense of awareness in my articles. I have failed miserably at making any of you aware of stuff in the fields of physics, biology, and political science. However, today, I am going to nail the daylights out of your insight into Halloween 2021.
Yes, I have left no turn unstoned in the collection of data on the topic. I have blanketed my family and a few friends with questionnaires about this year’s trick or treaters. I would’ve included every one of you in my research, but I was too rushed.
What I sought was information concerning the number of porch guests, types of costumes, types of candy and candy repositories… I’d go on, but I think you get the idea. Let’s now look at the results. -- The information collected here does not reflect on me whatsoever! Well, the answers on my individual questionnaire might, but not what the other knotheads wrote. So, let’s see what I came up with. In the end, I’ll sum it all up. Maybe.
My first responder was my good friend Patricia, who lives in the Magnolia area which includes almost everything southwest of the 336 South Loop in Conroe. The people of Magnolia don’t even know what their city limit includes. So, using Pat as my Magnolia source, I can say that no one in or near Magnolia trick or treated this year. Like Patricia, they kept their porchlight off, put a beach towel over the window at the front door, and watched TV. Now last year, Pat did it up big. She created a “nautical scene” at the end of her driveway that included scary lights, a shark, and all things nautical. She went to all that trouble and had only four kids show up. I asked her where she got her shark, and she said she set up her Shark Upright Vacuum Cleaner and put a “Shark” sign on it. That’s probably why no one showed up this year.
The entire city of LaPorte canceled Halloween. I’m using my kid sister as my source for info. No trick or treaters have ever ventured down Jill’s dead-end street. That pretty much alleviates any concern she might have for displaying jack o’ lanterns, turning on her porch light, or buying candy for the kiddos.
Montgomery, Texas? Virginia and Freeman were my sources for data of that historic town. You better believe Montgomery celebrated! Virginia said they had about 35 kids this year. While each child wore a costume, not one of ‘em yelled “Trick or Treat!” They simply rang the doorbell. You ask me, that stinks. Vee and Free gave out small Hershey bars, Milk Duds, and Whoppers. (Whoppers are malted milk balls. I like malt in my ice cream. Not in balls.) The best costume prize went to a kid who came alone… as The Shadow.
Big Al and Marlena went west of Conroe to Walden, where they escorted their great-grandkids through some of the neighborhood. About 25 percent of the homes had their porch lights lit. Piper and Lacy got small candy bars and a lot of sour candies. Those kiddos are big fans of all things sour. Me? I’m past my sour stage. Big Al phoned in his answers to my questionnaire, and I have trouble reading my notes. I think one of the girls came as Thor. I can’t swear to that.
As for the City of Conroe, Kay and I had about 20 kiddos. Most were between four and 10 years old. One neighborhood kid, Oliver, came as a tyrannosaurus rex. He had trouble opening up his canvas candy bag because his costume came with claws that refused to grip. His little sister was a deer. She had big floppy ears and tiny antlers. Kay and I gave out little bags of M&Ms -- peanut, milk chocolate, caramel, and peanut butter. You ask me, M&Ms could’ve stopped after Peanut.
Let’s move on to Washington State. My niece Rhonda lives east of the mountains. Few trees, plenty of orchards. Rhonda and Curt had all of their grandkids over and gave ‘em bags of Microwave Popcorn, Doritos, Caramel, and Reeses Pieces. Your four major food groups. Then they went to the basement and watched the Cowboys beat the Vikings.
That’s what the people east of the Cascades did. My sister, Sue, and her husband, Col. Don, live on the western side of the mountains in Tacoma. They had about 20 trick or treaters and gave them Snickers, M&Ms, Twix Bars, and Milky Ways. Not many Milky Ways were handed out because they’re the Colonel’s favorite. Milky Way? A strange man, the Colonel. That’s why I like him.
The rest of my responders kept their porch lights off and candy to themselves. Brad Meyer and Nancy went to visit the grandkids so they didn’t give out any candy at home. Brad was a little upset when he went Trick or Treating because he didn’t get any Baby Ruth bars or Butterfingers. He is such a whiner.
With the data I have collected, I can call “Halloween 2021” a marginal success. The candy was far superior to anything I ever got as a trick or treater. There were more porch lights on when I was a kid, but, at each house, we usually got a single wrapped piece of taffy or hard candy. The occasional popcorn ball was to be cherished. The costumes involved getting your face painted with lipstick or shoe polish. That being said, Halloween is so much better nowadays, there just aren’t nearly as many participants. It reminds me of the lyrics to one of country singer, Don Williams' songs. -- “Time, oh good, good time, where did you go?”
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